Page 46 of What We Break
"Just thinking about... things," I say.
"Things like world peace or things like that paramedic from festival night? Reid?" Joyce has this innocent look on her face, but she's got to know something. The gossip mill around here could power a small city. "Anything happening there? I heard you two went on a date."
"We did. A couple dates, actually." I take another bite of my sandwich, buying time. "The first one was just breakfast after festival night, but then we went to Hendricks Park and ended up helping at the Pine Street camp."
"Sounds nice. How was it?"
"Really nice. Too nice, maybe." I pause. "He's... I don't know. Different from guys I usually date. More real, I guess."
"Real how?"
"Like he actually sees me. Not just the fun, temporary version ofme, but the person I'm trying to become here. The settled version." I set down my sandwich. "He asked about my life like he wanted to know the answer. Not just the highlight reel — the real stuff. The lonely parts. And he told me about his brother, about Blake, about all of it. No filter. Just — here I am."
"And that's a problem?"
Yes.Heat creeps up my neck. "Maybe."
"Ah." Joyce spears a cherry tomato. "What did he do?"
"He asked me out. To dinner. Somewhere nice."
"And this is a problem because...?"
"It's not a problem. It's just..." I pause, trying to find the words. "I've been here three months. I'm focused on building a life, making friends, figuring out who I am when I'm not planning my next move. And now there's Reid, and he's..."
"Wonderful?" Joyce supplies.
"Distracting." The word comes out sharper than I intended. "I catch myself thinking about him when I should be thinking about other things. Wondering what he's doing, when I'll see him again. Making plans that include him without even realizing it. Then he went silent for a few days and I just..." I pick at the crust of my sandwich. "I spiraled. A little. Okay, a lot. I told my fiddle leaf fig about it."
Joyce's mouth twitches. "What did the fig say?"
"Nothing helpful. As usual."
She nods slowly. "You sound scared."
"It should scare me, right? I just made this huge decision to stay put and build something permanent. I don't want to mess that up by getting swept away by the first guy who makes me feel..."
"Feel what?"
"Like I could fall for him." The admission comes out quieter than I intended. "Really fall for him."
Joyce is quiet for a moment, working on her salad. Around us, the break room hums with the usual hospital sounds — pagers beeping, conversations from the hallway, the coffee machine gurgling to life.
"Can I ask you something?" Joyce says finally.
"Sure."
"When you were traveling, moving every few months, what did your relationships look like?"
"Casual, mostly. Nothing too serious because I knew I'd be leaving. A few guys here and there, but nothing that..." I trail off, seeing where she's going with this.
"Nothing that lasted."
"Right." I think about Caleb in New Zealand. Marco in Spain. A handful of others whose faces are already blurring. Nice guys. Fun guys. Except for Caleb, they were guys I could enjoy for exactly as long as the assignment lasted and not one day longer. I was really good at that. I had a system. "I had it down to a science, honestly. Keep it light, keep it fun, and get on the plane before anyone catches feelings."
"And now you're staying put, building roots, and along comes someone who makes you want something that could last. Someone who fits into the life you're building instead of taking you away from it."
She's right. Of course she's right. Reid isn't asking me to leave Eugene or give up my job or change who I am. He's asking me to dinner. He volunteers at the same homeless outreach I do. He gets along with everyone. I can't imagine anyone fitting into my life better.
