Page 196 of What We Break
The teenager in seven is indeed ready for another bag of saline. I go through the motions—check the IV site, hang the new bag, update the chart. But my mind's elsewhere.
What would happen if I tried harder with Blake? If I found some way to break through whatever wall he's put up? Maybe I haven't been trying the right approach. Maybe I've been too passive, letting him set all the terms.
Or maybe I'm doing exactly what Joyce warned about—trying to fix something that can't be fixed by trying harder. Which feels so wrong. Everything else in my life, I figured it out. Nursing school, navigating new social rules in every place we moved to when I was a kid. I'm a figure it out person.
"Excuse me?" The teenager's looking at me. "Is it supposed to burn?"
Crap. I immediately check the IV site. It's fine, just positional. I adjust her arm and the burning stops.
"Better?"
"Yeah. Sorry, I've never had an IV before."
"No apologies necessary. That's what I'm here for."
She goes back to her phone and I go back to my thoughts. Which is dangerous territory right now.
The rest of my shift passes in a blur. Twenty more admits, sixteen discharges, a bunch of medication passes. I do everything right, say all the right things, but I can feel myself going through the motions, just like Joyce accused me of.
By the time 7:00AM rolls around, I'm exhausted in a way that has nothing to do with the twelve-hour shift. My feet hurt, my back aches, and my heart feels like it's been wrung out like a dishcloth.
My phone buzzes as I'm walking to my car.
Reid
Hey beautiful. How was shift? Want to grab breakfast? I can pick you up.
My thumb hovers over the keyboard. Normally I'd say yes immediately. Breakfast with Reid sounds perfect. Just the two of us, laughing and talking, remembering why we're good together.
But what about afterward? What will he tell Blake?
"She looked tired." "She's stressed." "She's acting weird."
I can almost hear them analyzing it. Blake nodding, validating the theory that I'm not built for this. That I'm cracking.
If I go to breakfast, I'll have to perform. I'll have to pretend everything's fine. I'll have to not mention my conversation with Joyce, not bring up Blake again, not be the girlfriend who can't let things go.
Can't this morning. Rough shift. Just want to shower and crash.
Three dots appear immediately.
Reid
You ok? Want me to bring u something?
God, he's sweet. He'd probably show up with soup and flowers and rub my feet while I complained about puking kids and long shifts. And it would be perfect until the next time I have to be at his house, walking on eggshells, making myself smaller so I don't set off Blake.
I'm okay. Just tired. Come over after your shift?
I have the next few days off, thank god.
Reid
Of course. Get some rest. Luv u.
Love you too.
And I do. That's the problem. I love him so much it scares me sometimes. Love him enough to try to make this work despite everything.
