Page 169 of What We Break
The words hit me like a physical blow.
"It wasn't easy," I say. "Christ, Laine, it was the hardest thing I've ever done."
"But you did it." She looks back at me, and there are tears in her eyes now. She's fighting them. Fighting to stay composed when I can see how much this is costing her, and it fucking kills me. "This is the deepest I've ever let anyone in. The most I've ever risked. And the first hard moment we have, you went straight to goodbye."
"I know."
"Do you? Because I need you to understand what that felt like." Her voice cracks. "I chose to stay, Reid. For the first time in my life, I planted both feet and decided this was where I wanted to be. And then you tried to send me away."
I can't breathe. I did that. I did that to her.
"I'm sorry," I say again, but the words feel inadequate. "I wasscared. I was so fucking scared of losing you that I tried to lose you first."
"That's not how this works." She steps closer, and her hand comes up to my chest, right over my heart. "You don't get to decide when I leave. You don't get to push me out the door because you're afraid I'll walk through it on my own."
"I know."
"Do you?" Her eyes search mine. "Because I need to know this isn't going to happen again. I can't be with someone who's always waiting for me to leave. Who's going to bail every time things get hard because he's convinced I'm going to bail first."
"It won't." I cover her hand with mine, press it harder against my chest. "I promise. I'll talk to you. I'll tell you when I'm scared instead of running."
"You swear?"
"I swear." I lean my forehead against hers. "Don't give up on me, Laine. I know I fucked up. But I'm trying. I'm going to keep trying."
She's quiet for a long moment. I can feel her breath on my face, can see the tears she's still fighting back.
"I called Dr. Parker back today," she says finally.
My heart stops. "And?"
"And I told him thank you, but I'm building something here that I'm not ready to leave." A small smile tugs at her mouth. "I told him I'm being selfish, and I'm okay with that."
The relief that floods through me is so strong my knees almost buckle.
"Christ, I love you." The words come out rough, but I mean them more than I've ever meant anything.
"I love you too." She goes up on her toes and kisses me, soft and brief. "Even when you're an idiot."
"Especially when I'm an idiot?"
"Don't push it."
I pull her closer, wrapping my arms around her. She fits perfectly against me. She always has.
"So no Honduras?" I murmur into her hair.
"No Honduras."
"You sure? I hear the weather's nice."
She smacks my chest. "You're the worst."
"But you love me anyway."
"I must be crazy."
It's what she said this morning, before everything went sideways. Before I almost ruined the best thing that's ever happened to me.
