Page 167 of What We Break
"Reid, I moved to Oregon to build a permanent life. That was my choice, made before I ever met you." Her voice gets stronger, more sure. "I researched cities for six months before I picked Eugene. I interviewed for this job, negotiated my salary, signed a lease on my own apartment. I bought real furniture—not just the bare minimum, but things like throw pillows and plants. I joined a yoga class for heaven's sake."
She's right. I know she's right. All of that happened before we ever met. But it's easier to think this is all about me, isn't it? Easier to think I'm the reason she'd stay than to believe she actually chose this life because it's what she wanted.
"You did that," I say quietly. "But this Honduras thing is different. This is exactly what you used to do, but bigger."
"And I used to do it because I was running away from building anything permanent. Not because I loved the work so much I couldn't resist it." Laine's voice gets firmer. "Reid, do you know why I really became a travel nurse?"
I shake my head.
"Because that's what I learned service looked like. My parents have spent their entire lives sacrificing, moving wherever they're needed most, never staying anywhere long enough to build a real home." Hervoice gets softer. "I thought that's what it meant to help people—you had to give up everything, go wherever the need was greatest, never put down roots because that would be selfish."
That stops me cold. I'd always thought she traveled because she loved the adventure, the variety, the impact. The idea that she felt shehadto do it never crossed my mind.
"So when Dr. Parker called with this opportunity, yeah, part of me was excited. It's meaningful work, and I'm good at it. But the bigger part of me was terrified because I realized what he was really offering me was my old life back. The one where helping people means sacrificing everything else." Her eyes are bright with unshed tears. "I didn't work this hard to choose a different way of life, just to go back to what my parents think service should look like."
She takes a shaky breath. "And the worst part? Part of me wanted to say yes because it would be easier. Easier to fall back into the pattern I know than to keep doing the harder work of figuring out how to help people while also letting myself have a real life."
I stare at her, feeling like an idiot. A complete fucking idiot.
"Christ, Laine. I got it all wrong, didn't I?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I saw what I expected to see. What I was afraid of seeing." I drag my hands through my hair, fingers catching on the tangles. The words are right there, stuck somewhere between my throat and my teeth. "When you got that phone call, I panicked. Not because you lit up—but because I was terrified you'd realize what we have isn't enough."
"Reid..."
"No, let me say this." I step closer to her. Close enough to see the confusion written all over her face. "I was so fucking scared of you choosing to leave that I convinced myself you wanted to go. That way, when you left, I could tell myself I was being supportive instead of admitting I wasn't enough to make you stay."
Laine's expression shifts—something like understanding cracking through frustration.
"So you decided for me."
"Yeah. I did." I'm such a fucking idiot. "I told you to take the jobbecause it was easier than fighting for what I wanted and risking you leaving anyway."
She blows out a breath, her head dropping. "Reid, that's?—"
"Fucked up? Yeah, I know." I lean back against my truck, suddenly exhausted. "You want to know the really pathetic part? I've been doing this my whole life. Whenever something matters to me, really matters, I find a way to let it go before it can disappoint me."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I didn't fight for my dad to stay after Mom died. I told myself he needed space, needed to grieve his own way. But really? I was scared he'd choose to leave anyway, so I made it easy for him." I look at her. "I didn't fight for Jared not to enlist. Told myself I was being supportive of his dreams. But I was terrified of him thinking I was weak for not wanting to follow him." It's true. "The military was never my dream. And every fucking day I was enlisted, I lived in fear. I did it for Jared. I did it for Blake. And I hated every minute of it."
Laine's quiet now, just listening.
"And yesterday, when you got that call, instead of telling you how much I need you to stay, instead of fighting for us, I did the same fucking thing. I made it easy for you to leave so I wouldn't have to find out if you'd choose me anyway."
"Reid." Laine's voice is quiet. Careful. "You told me about a woman. After Jared. The one who left."
My stomach drops.
"You never mentioned her before. Not once."
"I know."
"Why?"
Because I was ashamed. Because I didn't want you to know how broken I was. Because I thought if you knew what I became, you'd leave too.
