Page 156 of What We Break
"I'm not punishing myself. I'm protecting him."
He wasn't there.He didn't have to clean the blood off Reid's knuckles after a bar fight. He didn't have to hide the car keys so Reid wouldn't wrap his truck around a tree.
"From what? Life?" Hatch shakes his head. "This isn't love, Blake. This is a hostage situation. And you're the one holding the gun."
My hands curl into fists at his sides. The urge to swing hits him hard and fast—just one good hit to shut Hatch up, to make him stop picking apart everything.
Can't.Not Hatch. The man pulled me out of too many dark places to count. Saved my ass more times than I deserved. And beyond all that respect and history, there's the simple fact that Hatch could probably drop me before my fist cleared my shoulder. I'm a tough motherfucker. I've had to be.
Hatch is tougher.
"I can't leave him," I say gritting my teeth. "I won't. If I leave, and something happens to him... I can't survive losing another brother."
Hatch sighs, a sound full of frustration and sadness. "Then what's your plan? Stay in the house and white-knuckle it until you snap?"
"I won't snap."
"You're already snapping. You're cruel to yourself, and eventually, you're going to be cruel to them."
No.The denial rises up instantly. I want him to be wrong. But I'm afraid he's not. Because the cruelty already started, didn't it. I said that horrible shit to Laine. I was a complete asshole.
"I can control it," I insist, forcing the memory down. "I just need to be more disciplined. Keep my distance. Treat it like a hostile environment. Get in, do the job, get out."
"She's not a combat zone, Blake. She's a person."
"Same difference right now."
"That's not a plan. That's a delusion."
"I'll handle it, Hatch."
The fire's burned down to embers now, glowing red in the darkness. Hatch gave up trying to talk sense into me about an hour ago. He went to his tent with a promise to continue the conversation tomorrow, but we both know there's nothing more to say.
I should go to bed too. But I can't bring myself to move from this log.
Arrogant.
Is that what this is? Thinking I'm the only one who can keep Reid safe?
Maybe. But Hatch wasn't there when Reid was spinning out.
And Laine... Laine is a variable I didn't account for. A threat to the perimeter.
I can control this.
I just need to stop being weak. Stop looking at her. Stop letting myself want her. I need to lock that part of myself away, deep down where I keep the memories of Jared and the desert and the blood.
I push up off the log, knees screaming.
Discipline,I tell myself.It’s just a matter of discipline.
I'll go back. I'll be the protector Reid needs. And I will burn every feeling I have for Laine Mitchell until there's nothing left but ash.
32
LAINE
"Reid Garrison, if you take one more bite of my French toast, I'm going to stab you with this fork."
