Page 107 of What We Break
I stop. Because that road doesn't have a destination. I've driven it enough times to know.
"Reid," she says softly.
"Yeah."
"You were there for Marcus tonight. That matters."
"I know." And I do. Intellectually, professionally, I know. But knowing and feeling are two different zip codes, and right now I'm standing in the gap between them with no map.
I rub my face with both hands, pressing the heels of my palms into my eyes until I see sparks. When I drop them, Laine is watching me with those dark eyes that see too much. Not with pity—I'd bolt if it was pity. With something closer to recognition.
"I should have—fuck. I shouldn't be sitting here unloading on you like you signed up for this."
Her eyes are so warm. Everything about her is peaceful. I scoot a little closer, wanting that peace to cover me. "Maybe I did."
"I've never done this before," I admit.
"Done what?"
"Fallen apart in front of someone I'm dating. Usually I keep that shit locked down."
She tugs on my ear. "What made tonight different?"
"I came to you because..." Trying to find the words. "Because I needed someone who could just hold this for me. Without it hurting them too. Someone who cares about me but didn't know Jared, so my grief won't fuck you up."
She's quiet for a long moment. "You trust me."
"Yeah. I do."
"Even though we haven't been together that long?"
"Especially because of that. You don't have any baggage with this stuff. You can just... be here. Present. Without it destroying you." She's tough in a way all nurses are tough. It's tough coated with softness and compassion. I'll never tell her all of it. I don't want all of the death in her head. And maybe I'm a pussy, putting any of this on her. Making her carry any of it.
"And you didn't go home because…?"
"I think Blake takes on too much of other people's pain. It's one of the things I love about him, but it's also dangerous. He'll carry my grief along with his own until it crushes him."
Laine nods slowly. "So you're looking out for him."
"It's stupid. I'm trying to protect him. And I needed..." I pause, looking at her. "I needed you."
She lifts my hand and presses a kiss to my knuckles.
"It doesn't sound stupid, baby. It sounds like love."
And that's when I completely lose it. The tears I've been holding back since we found Marcus finally come, and I can't stop them. Can't stop the way my shoulders shake, the way my breath comes in ragged gasps.
Laine doesn't try to stop them either. She just shifts closer, pulls my head down to her shoulder, and wraps herself around me. One hand on the back of my neck, fingers in my hair. The other arm tight around me.
I don't know how long we stay like that. Long enough for my tears to soak through her shirt. Long enough for my breathing to slow.
When I look up, her eyes are bright with tears too. Not crying, but close.
"I couldn't save my brother," I whisper against her shoulder. "And I couldn't save Marcus either."
Her hands frame my face, thumbs wiping the tears from my cheeks.
"You saved Marcus tonight," Laine says firmly. "He's alive because of you."
