Page 166 of What We Break
"I've been thinking about what you said," she finally says. "About me wanting to go."
My chest tightens. Here it comes. "And?"
"You were right. Part of me does want it." She looks at me, eyes pleading. "The old me would have said yes before he finished explaining the opportunity."
The old me.Like she's someone different now. But people don't really change, do they? Not deep down.
What the fuck am I even saying? I'm not the same punk-nosed kid that followed Blake and Jared into the service. I'm not that hopeful, or that oblivious. All the shit I saw, all the people I've lost changed me.
"But?" I ask, even though I'm not sure I want to hear the answer.
"But you were also wrong about something." Her voice gets stronger. "You said I lit up when he described the job."
"You did."
"Did I? Or did you see what you expected to see?" Laine steps closer, and I can smell her shampoo. "Reid, I was terrified during that phone call. My heart was racing because I was panicking, not because I was excited." Her mouth twists slightly. "Okay, maybe I was a little excited. But mostly terrified."
Was I wrong? I keep replaying that moment in the kitchen, watching her face while she talked to Dr. Parker. I was so sure I saw excitement there.
"You looked..." I start, then stop. Maybe I was seeing what I was afraid of seeing.
"I know. And to be fair it took me a little bit of time to figure out how I was feeling myself. Everything was a jumble. But that look on my face? It was fear, Baby. Because I realized I have something to losenow." Laine's voice cracks slightly. "For the first time in my life, the thought of leaving somewhere made me feel sick instead of excited."
Fuck. I want to believe her. I want to believe that what we have means more to her than any job. But how can I be sure she won't regret it?
"Laine, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity," I say, because I have to. Because someone needs to be rational here. "Building a clinic from scratch, training an entire community's healthcare system. That's not just a job. That's legacy work."
"I know what it is."
"Do you? Because you've spent most of your life traveling. You've spent your entire adult life preparing for exactly this kind of work."
"So what are you saying?" There's an edge to her voice now. "That I should take it?"
That's the million-dollar question, isn't it? What am I saying? That I love her enough to let her go? That I think she'll regret staying? That I don't trust what we have to be enough for her?
Or am I just scared that if I fight for her and she chooses me, someday she'll wake up and realize she made the wrong choice?
"I'm saying..." I run my hands through my hair, trying to find the right words. "I'm saying I don't want to be the reason you don't follow your dreams."
"What if you are my dream?"
The words hit me like a punch to the gut. Isn't that what Tony said in the rig? It was easy to write it off when he said it, but what if it's true? What if this thing between us is real enough, strong enough, to be worth more than any career opportunity?
"Reid." Laine steps closer, close enough that I can see the flecks of gold in her eyes. "Six months ago, I would have been packed and ready to go before that phone call ended. But I've been here for a while now, and I'd already started building what I came here to build when I met you. I didn't have this yet."
She gestures around us, but not at us specifically—at the life she's made here.
"I didn't have a favorite coffee shop where they know my order. I didn't have friends who invite me to things next week, assuming I'llstill be here. I didn't have a place that feels like home." Her voice gets softer. "And yeah, I didn't have you either. But you're part of the life I chose to build, not the reason I built it."
Home. Christ, she feels like home to me too. Like everything I've been looking for without knowing I was looking for it.
"But what if you change your mind?" There it is. The thing that scares the shit out of me. The idea of this woman giving me everything and then walking away is the stuff of nightmares. "What if in a year or two, you wake up and realize you gave up everything for a guy you've known for four months?"
Laine's expression shifts, and I can see I've hit a nerve. But not in the way I expected.
Her hands plant on her hips. "Is that what you think this is about?" she asks. "Me giving up everything for you?"
"Isn't it?"
