Page 20 of Micah
He studies me thoughtfully before finally replying. “Actually, you might understand better than most people. I couldn’t stay in here because it felt too open. Like there were too many places an attack could come from.”
I exhale, leaning back on my hand. How many times had I slept curled up in a corner, too afraid Brent would come at me from behind? And the shelter…well that was both better and worse. Better because I was away from Brent, but worse because there were so many other dangers to look out for. “Yeah. I guess I do understand.” I tell him, then answer his earlier question. “This room is nicer than anywhere I’ve ever been, so yeah, I’ll be comfortable.”
His body relaxes. “You’re still dizzy, right?”I nod carefully. “Do you think you can sleep for a while longer? I stayed in bed for three days after my last concussion, so you’re already a badass for being up and talking.”He winks at me, and heat travels up my neck. This version of Micah, the smiling, flirty one, is a lot to handle.
I have to snort, though, at his use of badass. “I’m so far from a badass, I’m not even on the same continent.” Becca’s a badass. Strong, kicks ass, never lets anyone hurt her. Me? I let my husband beat me for years. No, I know who I am, and it’s a lot closer to coward.
“Holly…badass,” he snaps, his familiar glare on his face. “I see you. You are so strong. Can’t you see it?”Wincing, I shake my head.
“How?” he asks, eyes wide. “You built a life for yourself, despite all the shit you’ve had to live through. By yourself,”he emphasizes, his eyebrows raised, hands flying. “You know how many women would just stay? And what about coming to work at the garage? You’re there with all of us, keeping us in line. Fuck, you keep all of us in line, Holly. Can’t you see how amazing you are?”
I can’t take the way he’s looking at me. He doesn’t truly see me. He can’t. I let myself imagine for a minute that I am someone strong, a woman in control of her life, but it fades away. Because it’s not true.
“I’m tired,” I tell him, closing my eyes to block out his knowing look. “I’d like to sleep now.” I can feel his eyes on me. Judging. But I can handle it. I’ve handled it my whole life. It’s a safe, familiar feeling.
“Bathroom?” he asks quietly. I startle, opening my eyes to find him leaning over me. I shrink back instinctively.
“No,” I shout. No way do I want him going in the bathroom with me. It’s just too much. My eyes fill with tears. “Please. Just go.”
He studies me, his face tightening before nodding and pulling away. “Sleep…Holly,” he says and softly closes the door.
I carefully pull myself backwards on the bed until I can nestle into the pillows. Away from his piercing eyes, I finally feel like I can let go. I let the tears flow, carrying away my helplessness, my fear, my sadness. Until I feel like I’m empty, barren. Only then do I drift into sleep, wishing I could walk across the room and lock the door.
Just in case.
12
MICAH
Holly sleeps for the rest of the day. I check on her a lot, more than necessary I’m sure, but now that I have her here, under my roof, I’m having trouble staying away from her.
Every time I go in, I have to go right to the bed. She’s so far into the pillows that I can barely spot her head. I moved a few so she wouldn’t suffocate in her sleep. I know that can happen to babies, and clearly she’s not a baby, but better safe than sorry.
I thought I would settle down once I had her here. Instead, I’m even more worried about her. Is she sleeping too much? Does she need anything? Did she fall out of bed? Does she need a cuddle? It’s getting ridiculous.
I finally grab Minnie, pull the new Eve Dallas novel off my shelf, and settle down to read. I only look at the clock a million times before settling into the story. I jump up when I get notification that the nurse is on her way up. Holly’s going to have to wake up now.
I let the nurse in, and we make quick introductions on the way to Holly’s room. I knock this time, pretty loudly, but don’t get a response. I creep open the door, and see she still hasn’t moved. I crouch down next to the bed. “Holly…wake,” I say as I rub her arm. She wakes with a gasp, pulling her arms in tight over her chest protectively.
Fuck.
“Sorry…Holly…Ok.” I whisper, staying right where I am. It takes her a minute, but her breathing finally slows and her body uncurls. Her blue eyes meet mine, and I smile at her, despite my strong desire to put my fist through the wall.
That reaction wasn’t a normal startle, that was a learned reaction. She just told me, without saying a word, that she’s been woken up by a beating.
She pushes her tousled hair away from her face, slowly sitting up. “W…what time is it?” she mumbles.
“Nine,” I tell her, as I motion the nurse closer. “Kathy,” I say pointing to her. When I’m sure Holly’s awake enough to see, I sign, “The nurse I hired. Kathy will come in the morning and night to help you change and take care of anything else you need her to. I’ll be here, but I thought you might be more comfortable with a woman helping?”
“Oh…ok.” She looks at the nurse. “I really would like a shower. My hair still smells like smoke.”
“I’ll carry you to the bathroom,”I say, eagerly opening my arms for her. After the way she woke up, I can’t bring myself to reach for her. Forcing any kind of touch on her right now feels wrong. So I wait, holding my breath, while she studies me. Finally, she scoots closer. I meet her in the middle, carefully picking her up. And I can breathe again. “Got…you.”
“Oh Micah,” she exclaims as we enter the bathroom “you shouldn’t have.”
Oh yes, I should. Anything she needs is mine to provide. Even if it’s just handrails on the toilet and a shower chair. She doesn’t need to know about the after hours emergency plumber who installed the handheld shower attachment. “You…needed.” I tell her gruffly.
I’d explain to her that I’d do anything for her, but that would mean putting her down and I’m not quite ready to do that. Instead, I carry her through to the walk-in closet, pulling out the top drawer, revealing brand new pyjamas of every variety. “Pick,” I tell her, wanting her to feel clean and cozy. She leans forward, trusting me to hold her as she picks up a soft yellow set. Then I carry her straight into the huge shower stall, setting her carefully on the chair.
