Page 18 of About Last Night
Before I can blink, he’s off the bed and striding into the bathroom. When he comes back out, he’s holding a string of condoms.
“Thank fuck. I wasn’t sure I had any.” He frowns at the packets. “Actually, I’m not sure these are in date.”
I want to say it doesn’t matter. We don’t need them. Except I’m no longer on birth control. I went off in preparation for my wedding. The wedding that never happened.
He’s studying the packets, turning them this way and that. “I can’t find a date…”
“Do you have the box?” I push up onto my elbows. It’s the most I can do with my bones acting like limp noodles.
“Nah. And now that I think about it, these are probably a few years old.” He frowns. “I guess we’ll have to get inventive.”
“We can use them anyway. Hope for the best?” I suggest.
“Are you on birth control?” He prowls toward me. “I’m clean as of my last yearly physical and haven’t been with anyone since then.”
I want to ask how long ago that was, but do I have the right? “I’m clean too.”
He raises an eyebrow.
“Ah, um, well, I’m not on birth control. I stopped taking it because…” I let the explanation trail away. Neither of us needs a reminder of why I’m currently unprotected.
“We won’t have sex.” He drops the foil strip on the bedside table. “There are plenty of other ways we can enjoy ourselves.”
There are. I know there are. But I can’t deny the stab of disappointment. I want Devon to fuck me. And I’m honest enough to admit I wouldn’t care if I got pregnant. Except he didn’t sign up for that. He didn’t sign up for anything.
“What has the wheels spinning?” He puts a knee on the bed next to my hip and brings our faces close together. “If you want to stop?—”
“No!” Shaking my head, I take a breath and attempt to squash the panic. “No. I don’t want to stop. I want to keep going and I want to have sex. I don’t care if they’re out of date.”
His gaze locks with mine, his eyes dark with desire. “You want to take the risk?”
“Is it a risk?” I swallow. “I want to be a mom. It’s why I went off the pill. I’m thirty-four and I know it’s cliche, but my body clock is ticking. Plus I never wanted to be an old mom.”
“You aren’t old.”
“No. Not really. I just… I thought I was going to get everything I wanted.”
“You wanted to be married and have children with a man who doesn’t love you?”
When he says it like that, I realize how horrible my situation sounds to others. “No. Not really.” I swallow again, my throat more constricted this time. “I thought it was my last chance.”
“Well, it isn’t. You have time.”
“Not enough.” My gaze drops from his. “And I’m not sure I can do it again.”
He places a finger beneath my chin and tips my head up until our eyes meet. “Do what?”
“Marry a man I don’t love.”
“I don’t think that was your problem.”
I scoff. “Right. Because a marriage of convenience is every woman’s dream.”
“Maybe not. But it can work. With the right person and the right parameters. And total honesty from both parties.”
“I don’t think either of us was honest.”
“No. You weren’t. Most of all him, I think.”
