Page 77 of A Shot at Love
The apology hung in the air between them Jules just sat there, waiting for him to give her more than just two words.
“I know that’s not saying enough,” he continued, sighing. “And it doesn’t change or excuse my reaction, but I’m sorry.”
She bit back a frustrated scoff despite his best attempt at showing remorse and glanced towards the couch.
“Are you fucking my sister?” She said, throwing his own invective remarks back at him.
It stung just as much coming out of her own mouth as it had coming from his.
Cam flinched. He was uncomfortable now but she didn’t care. It had been years since they’d had any kind of real argument but none of their sibling disagreements felt like this. Nothing he’d ever said or done had cut her the way it did when he’s fixed his anger filled gaze on Frankie and spoke to her like what they were doing was dirty.
“I shouldn't have said that.”
“No, you really shouldn't have, but you did.”
“It’s not…fuck, Jules…”
Cam rubbed his face, his eyes giving away the battle he was fighting internally as he seemed to cycle through emotions, trying to settle on what he wanted to say next.
“This season has been so hard and I’ve kept a lot of it to myself because I don’t want to keep burdening you with the problems I’m dealing with in my career. I have been under so much pressure and it feels like when we lose, it’s because I didn’t do enough as captain. And when the team wins, I still didn’t do enough. I can’t explain why but walking in on you and my reaction…I was angry but not at Coach Stevens, and not at you.”
He looked at her, really looked at her, and it dawned on her now how tired he truly looked. His normally clean shaven face was covered in stubble and he had dark bags under his eyes.
Somehow she didn’t notice it until now because her brother was always the first one at practice, the last one to leave, the first person to suggest a hike or a bike ride or a double workout. Pushing himself was part of who he is and he always seemed happy being that person but maybe his life, just like hers, had been full of changes he wasn’t sharing with her.
“I was angry at myself because I realized I must have done something to make you feel like you couldn’t talk to me, or maybe I’ve ignored you somehow since signing with this team but I’ve never beentheguy before, you know? I’ve never been the leader, the name on the jersey everyone buys, someone’s favourite player, but I am now and it’s killing me."
"Cam, listen…"
"No, let me finish. My sister dating one of my coaches threw me for a loop. It’s definitely something I’ll have to get used to but I think all of my own issues just came to the surface when I saw her yesterday because I seehockeywhen I look at her. I don’t know what happened but I just…freaked out.”
“Hey,” Jules said, leaning towards him. “You’ve always been my favourite player, but can you blame me for not wanting to tell you?”
Because it didn’t matter which way she looked at it, Frankie was one of his coaches and until one of them moved on from the Harbour, that would always be the case.
“Given everything that’s going on, there wasn’t an easy way to bring it up. But everything with her is just so easy. She makes me feel…”
Jules stood and began pacing in front of him then waved her hands in the air for emphasis, smiling to herself as she thought of Frankie.
“She makes me feel like I matter, like I’m her favourite person in every single room, like I’m more than just a hockey player’s sister and that’s – ”
“Jules,” he cut her off. The look on his face told her he couldn’t believe she felt this way, that she was crazy to even bring it up, which is exactly why she needed to. “Youareso much more than just a hockey player's sister, I’ve saidthat to you so many times. And you do matter. You know I’ve never, not even once, thought otherwise.”
“That’s the thing, Cam.” Jules froze in place to look at him and she smiled sadly.
Maybe it was hard for people who weren't in her position to understand how it felt, hard for people who weren’t used to coming second best. Jules was drowning in that feeling for years and the weight of it all was slowly becoming too much for her to carry on her own.
There had been times throughout Cam’s career where some people hadn’t even acknowledged her when she was standing beside him in the same room, times when people laughed at her when they found out she also played hockey once upon a time but given who her brother was, she was smart to give it up. Any career of her own would have suffocated in his shadow.
“You have never made me feel ignored or disregarded, but everyone around us has. I have loved getting to be involved in your career, I really have. It put me through school and gave me a job I enjoy, kept me close to a sport that I might have given up on completely otherwise but I’ve spent my whole life being an addition to yours. I was okay with it, for a long time, until I wasn’t. Frankie is the first person in years to make me feelseen. And I love her for that.”
"You love her?” His question surprised her but he quirked an eyebrow and bit back a smile. “Like…you’reinlove with her?”
“Yeah, you nerd,” she laughed. “I’m in love with her.”
“And you’ve told her?”
“Right after you left yesterday, actually.”
