Page 9 of Two-Step
Ramon waves his hands in a frantic plea. “I don’t want to hear about girls farting in tents or pooping in the woods. Preserve the illusion. Girls don’t fart or poop.”
“You only think that because you don’t date any of them long enough for them to drop the pretense of some kind of superhuman perfection.”
Ramon nods with vigor. “I want the pretense. I’m all about the pretense.”
I shoot Sally a look. “You still think he’s cute?”
She ignores me. “Just so you know,” she says, hooking a thumb in my direction. “It’s just her. She’s the only one who farts and poops. I don’t.”
Ramon’s smile is epic. “Of course, you don’t, gorgeous.” He grabs her hand and brings it to his lips. Sally actually sways toward him.
Oh, hell no.
“May I remind you of the night you ate those bean burritos?” I say, showing no mercy. “I thought I’d need a hazmat suit.”
“Iris!” Sally shrieks. Ramon drops her hand, and I beam in triumph.
We’ve caught the attention of some of the members of the crew who stand back from the set to watch and laugh. Good. I like making people laugh. But when it’s the crew, it’s even better. This is a totally new team from the series, and even though we won’t be with them as long, the last thing I want them thinking is that I’m some prima donna. It’s one thing to take the work seriously. Taking yourself too seriously is something else. And, unfortunately, this business is full of actors who take themselves too seriously.
If the crew sees that I can laugh at myself and joke around my friends, they’ll know I’m just a regular person, and they can relax around me and do their thing. The show will be more fun for everyone.
It was like that on the series. Like we were a little family. I miss it.
But before I can make myself the butt of this joke, Moira tears through the line of camera handlers and grips, glaring lasers at me.
“Iris.Whatare you doing?” she hisses at me, her voice sotto voce. “Are you making crass jokes on thefirst day?”
She grabs my arm and tugs me toward the trailer. “We have to discuss some scene changes,” she announces to everyone who’s watching before herding me up the steps.
I send Ramon a quick S.O.S., and he grabs Sally and brings up the rear. Moira glares at them as they enter.
“I said I needed to talk toher.”At Moira’s tone, Sally’s eyes go wide, but Ramon’s expression flattens out.
“You said scene changes,” Ramon echoes smoothly. “You know I help her prep, and while Sally’s here, she’s running lines with us too.”
The part about Sally is a lie, but Ramon has worked for me long enough to know that when Moira’s in a snit, he’s not allowed to leave me alone with her. The fact that he excels at this is one of the many reasons I’ve kept him as my PA for three years.
Of course, another is that I love him like a brother. But I started loving him when he proved he could stare my mother down even though I know he’s afraid of her.
Who isn’t afraid of her?
But that’s exactly why I don’t want to be alone with her and exactly why he stays, God love him.
But Sally? Why put Sally through this?
“Have you signed an NDA?”
“Yes, ma’am,” Sally squeaks. She wouldn’t be on-set if she hadn’t.
Moira huffs, dismissing Sally as not worth the effort, and she turns her scowl back to me. “What are you doing? Are youtryingto get yourself labeled as white trash in the tabloids? Do you know how hard it was to wash that Oklahoma accent from your mouth.”
Speech lessons. Voice lessons. Acting lessons. Hell, yes, I know how hard I’ve worked. My accent is as cosmopolitan as club soda. “I didn’t hear myself drawl, Moira.”
She scoffs. “I heard you making tasteless jokes in front of the crew, and that’s even worse. You’re an actor. At least pretend to have some dignity.”
We’re crowded in the little trailer, and Moira stands between me and my friends, her back to them. But I hear their reactions. Sally’s soft gasp is like a whisper of silk. Ramon clears his throat. I can’t look at them. I can only imagine what I’ll find on their faces.
Ramon clears his throat again. “She’s due on-set in five minutes. What did you need to discuss about those scene changes?”
