Page 121 of Someone Like Me
Of course she’s not going. This is Evie. The incredible woman I love.
“I was stupid to ask,” I say by way of apology.
She stares at me a minute, the glare fading by degrees. “Yeah,” she says with just a hint of sourness. “You were.”
I can’t help my chuckle. “I’m sorry,” I say, apologizing for doubting her and now for laughing.
She narrows her eyes at me, but her own smile is undeniable. “You’re forgiven.” But she watches me, and I see thoughts pass behind her eyes. Her hand comes to my chest as worry cinches her mouth. “Did you want me to go?”
“God, no.” My hand clutches hers to my heart, a reflex to keep her near me. My answer came out too fast, too uncontrolled. I pull in a breath, let it out and try again, forcing myself to ease the pressure against her hand. Still, I can’t make myself let go. “I mean, if you wanted to go, I’d be happy for you.”
I’m relieved to find it’s not a lie. I’d be devastated for me. I’d be shucked like an oyster. But I’d treasure her happiness. Cede to it.
She scrutinizes me for a long moment, and I feel like she’s trying to see into my head. Witness this battle that wages inside me. Evie bites her lip, and suddenly she looks so vulnerable, so lost.
“I feel like I don’t know anyone. What I thought of my parents was really just an illusion. A projection of what I wanted to see… I still love them, but the illusion is gone now.” she says, looking anguished. Her green eyes, now pooling, flick between each of mine. “It’s frightening.”
I wrap my arm around her again. “Evie—”
“Let me finish,” she rasps.
I close my mouth and lock my gaze with hers. “I’m listening.”
She blinks back her tears, and I see the effort she makes to master her emotions. She’s trying so hard to be strong. Watching her yanks at something inside me. I want her to know that here, in my arms, she doesn’t have to be strong.
Evie takes a deep breath, and I watch her resolve harden like iron. “I don’t want any illusions between us. I need to know that the person I’m with is real. No fronts. No hidden agendas.” I watch her swallow, and then my beautiful Evie looks at me with real fear in her eyes. “Can you give me that?”
I don’t stand a chance. Whatever I have is already hers, and if this is what she wants, who am I to deny her?
“You want real?” I ask, my voice coming out hoarse.
She bites her lower lip but nods. “Yes.”
As we stare at each other, the room goes so quiet, I’m sure neither of us is breathing. I’m about to give her all the power, leaving nothing for myself.
But maybe that’s love, right?
“Evie, I love you so fucking much it’s tearing me in two. I want to be with you, touch you, kiss you, know everything about you, and give you all the nothing I have,” I tell her, sounding just as unstable as I feel. “And at the same time, I want you to hurry up and come to the conclusion that anyone else would have already landed on. And that’s the fact that I am not even half the man you deserve.”
She scowls. “Drew—”
“No.” I shake my head. “You asked for real. Now you letmefinish.”
She blinks, taken aback. “Okay,” she says a little curtly but nodding.“I’mlistening.”
Evie’s still cradled in my left arm, but I’m leaning over her, staring down into the bottomless wells of her eyes. I let go and fall in.
“I know it’ll happen. You’ll figure it out, and you’ll go. I know it, and at the same time, I dread it like death.” I feel my own brow lift. “Worse than death, if I’m being honest. If you take your parents offer and hop on a plane, I’ll drop to my knees. Because I won’t be able to stand it. And because I know you’ll be better off.”
My heart is pounding so hard, I’m sure she can feel it, pressed against her as I am. And my throat is so tight it sounds like I’m growling, but I’ve put it all out there.
“Now there’s nothing you don’t know about what I think and how I feel.” I want it to sound like a dare, but in all honesty, my voice softens with relief.
Unable to resist, I cup her cheek. She’s so lovely. I clench my teeth against desire, against this aching knowledge that I’m screwed. Defying all sense, confessing I want her to go has made me hard again.
“You finished?” she asks, her voice almost a whisper.
Breath leaves me in a rush, something between laughter and surrender. But I’ve already surrendered, so it must be gallows humor.
