Page 85 of Drive
It would probably take a year to cover herbody.
But if he let himself think like that, even the blankets that lay between them wouldn’t be enough to hide his imaginings. She’d let him hold her. It felt amazing, and it needed to be enough. He also needed to stick to his word. Jacques wanted at least to press a kiss to her forehead, but he didn’t trust himself to move in any closer. Instead he gave her another little squeeze and turned his eyes from hers back to the TV as though the antacid commercial was the most riveting thing he’d everseen.
Her hand lay on his chest, and, every now and then, one of her fingers would come alive and brush against him. Just a fraction. But those subtle touches felt like the shifting of theearth.
She lay in the curve of his arm, and his hand rested on her elbow. The fourth time one of her fingertips stroked his chest, Jacques let the tip of his middle finger move an inch over her inner arm and back. Maybe her touch wasn’t intentional. Maybe it was just unconscious. But it felt so damn good, Jacques didn’t want to miss returningit.
“Friends don’t really snuggle like this, do they,” she whispered, not taking her eyes from the TV, and not pulling away from him. Rainey didn’t say it like a question, but there was a question in her wordsnonetheless.
Jacques considered before answering. Saying no might prompt her to stop. Saying yes, at least in his experience, would be a colossal lie. He’d never lain on a bed with a girl in his arms whom he’d called merely afriend.
And Rainey was noexception.
But, of course, she was exceptional. In her beauty. In her solitude. In the way she believed in him. Even in the way she fit in the crook of his arm like she was made forit.
“Wecan do this,” he said, answering her question the only way he knew how. It was an answer made for the moment and an answer made for thefuture.
She lifted her eyes to his then. “You mean we can do this within the boundaries offriendship?”
He nodded slowly. “We can do this whenever we want.” And that was true. As far as he was concerned, they could live like this. It might drive him to madness with desire, but he definitely didn’t want to gowithoutthis.
She hadn’t taken her eyes from him, and he saw something at their edges warm and soften with a kind of sadness, yet she wore a hint of a smile. “This feels really good,” shemurmured.
The urge to roll on top of her grappled with him, but he smothered it, instead nodding again and stroking her elbow in affirmation. “Yeah, it does,” hewhispered.
She turned her face into the curve where his neck met his shoulder and closed her eyes. He felt the pull of her breath tickle his skin. “You smell like…” Her voice trailed off, but even her hushed tones didn’t disguise a note of disbelief. “…like a place I’ve never believed in but really want tosee.”
His grin was immediate. “What do you mean? Like Narnia or Middle Earth? Some place in one of your books?” heteased.
Only the side of her face was visible to him. He saw her half smile and felt the shake of her head. “Likeheaven.”
The words sucked the breath clear out of him, and his right arm, which until then he’d managed to keep still by his side, locked aroundher.
“Rainey.” Jacques stopped himself on her name. It was all he could do not to beg her to trust him. He held her tight, and he wasn’talone.
She held tight right back. Her face was hidden from him now, completely buried in hisshoulder.
He rubbed a hand — a comforting hand — high on her back. After a moment, when she hadn’t moved from her hiding place, he spoke her name again. She still didn’tbudge.
“What’s on your mind?” he askedgently.
She took her time answering. “You know what’s on my mind, Jacques,” she murmured into hisneck.
He shut his eyes and let his hand move between her shoulder blades. “I do and I don’t,” he admitted. If she felt anything close to what he did, her mind was a tangle of thoughts, desires, and questions. He could only hope she felt the same. If that were so, he had reason tohope.
But he knew Rainey well enough to know that, more often than not, the first thing she felt was fear. And maybe that was what she was trying to tell him now. This was harder for him to relate to. The only thing he feared was that she’d never trust him. That she’d eventually push him out of herlife.
“I can’t be with you,” she whispered. “Not the way I want tobe.”
This was good news and bad news all in one. She felt what he felt. Rainey wanted to be with him. She’d said as much before, but hearing it again stoked hishope.
“But do you want to be with me like this? To be close? To share something we’ve maybe never shared with anyoneelse?”
The words seemed to speak themselves. Whatever he had with Rainey, Jacques wanted to protect. Whatever ground he gained, he wasn’t about to surrender. If she was content to lie in his arms, he’d take that victory today and hope he’d be able to claim moretomorrow.
She lifted her face from his shoulder and looked up at him. “What do youmean?”
He gave her a gentle squeeze. “I mean I love the feel of you in my arms. I love having you close. So what if it’s more than what most friends have?” he argued softly. “We both like it, and I’m not asking for anythingmore.”
