Page 81 of You First
“I’ll do what I can, but—”
“Oscar.” Gray nodded. The briefest flicker of disappointment crossed his eyes, but he hid it quickly. “I get it.”
“I want to stay,” she said honestly.
Gray locked eyes with her, searching her face. “You can always bring him with you. Every day. Every night. He’s welcome.”
Welcome.
The word washed over her in a shower of warmth. A place where they were both welcome. It was something they’d never had. Not truly. Meredith hoped the homesickness she carried didn’t show on her face as she put together a response.
“Thank you. That means a lot.” She swallowed, nodding. “You’re very sweet.” Her words were lame, and they didn’t convey anything close to what she felt, but they’d have to do.
“Sweet?” Gray’s echo sounded doubtful, but then his gaze sharpened. “Speaking of sweet, I was supposed to take you out for crème brulée tonight.”
“What?” Meredith frowned.
“We talked about it last night.” His smile seemed to fill the room. “I remember.” He said the word with significance and even a little pride.
“Oh, yeah.” She smiled back, remembering too. Of course, there would be no crème brulée tonight. “Something to look forward to.”
She heard the hope she mustered in each word, and, in the wary look in Gray’s eyes, so had he. But he nodded all the same.
“Well,” she said, crossing the threshold. “Get back to it. I’ll come check on you in a bit.”
“Good,” he said, the smile in his eyes replacing the look of caution.
She forced herself to walk away and start down the stairs.
“Meredith?” he called from above.
She halted. “Yeah?”
“Could you send Bax up for me?”
“Sure thing.”
She passed on the message to Gray’s brother before ducking into the utility room and shutting herself in his bathroom. She leaned against the door and pressed her face into her hands.
Emotions hit her like a hailstorm. Meredith could count on three fingers the people in her life she loved wholeheartedly: Oscar, Becca, and Brooke. These made up her soul’s inner circle. She would have never denied loving Brooke’s parents or her sisters, but the Cormiers were more like an extension of Brooke, and Meredith’s love for her best friend covered them as well.
What she felt for her own parents was so complicated and painful that it was easier not to think of them as her loved ones. She didn’t recognize the woman who’d thrown her out of the house at seventeen as the same one who had fixed her a hot water bottle and rubbed her back when she had a stomach bug at seven, all the while humming “Trouble Me” by 10,000 Maniacs. Consciously, she knew that both were Susan Ryan, and that knowledge filled her with such grief and rage.
And her father, Ned, used to call her Seahorse. When she was about five, he’d told her that her name was Welsh for “guardian of the sea.” She’d pictured a knight on a horse, and she’d told him she knew knights and horses couldn’t live under water, but seahorses could. For about three years, seahorses covered everything in her room. Seahorse sheets. Seahorse stuffed animals. Seahorse stickers. And even when she grew out of them, her father still called her Seahorse.
Seahorsebecamewhorewhen she’d turned up pregnant.
She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t let herself love someone who might disappear from her life and leave her all alone. Not again.
And yet…
What she felt for Gray was something altogether new and different from what she’d ever felt for anyone else. Her love for Brooke was like tubing down the Whiskey Chitto River. All sunlight, ready laughter, and clasped hands for the length of the journey. With Becca, her love was like a folk song, one that could lighten the load when sung alone, but a song that became a party when others joined in.
Marvel heroes couldn’t touch the love she had for Oscar. It was more powerful than Thor’s hammer and stronger than Captain America’s shield. It turned her into a superhero — in his eyes and sometimes even her own. Because no one was going to touch her baby. Her love for him made her stronger. Braver. Patient. Tireless.
But with Gray? It was like she rode on the back of a whale, buoyed up from the sea and cresting on every wave. And it was just as exhilarating. Just as terrifying.
Overwhelmed, Meredith reached for her phone and punched Brooke’s name. The phone rang three times before she picked up.
