Page 30 of What If It Was Us
Julie was somewhere in the dining room with her cousins playing a game of Twister, and Phil and Marie were still doing their rounds, playing host and saying hi to family while Jackson and I hid in the kitchen, drinking more of the orange mixed drink and eating slices of pizza. Halloween music was playing in the background, and even with the kitchen doors closed, I could hear the laughter and loud talking of his relatives out in the dining room, speaking a mixture of English and Italian.
“You have a really big family,” I told Jackson as we swung our legs back and forth from where we sat on the countertop. “Your uncleTony scared the shit out of me; he told me some story that I’m almost positive was about his time in the mafia.”
Jackson let out a low laugh. “Don’t worry, you’re Italian, too. You’re safe. But yeah, my family is huge. Half of them forget my name most of the time.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah, or they accidentally call me Sam.” He rolled his eyes as he shoved the rest of his pizza in his mouth. “Do you have a big Italian family, too?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve never met any of my relatives.”
Jackson stared at me with sad eyes before looking away and studying the food containers on the wall. I was desperate to change the subject—I didn’t want him to pity me. He had no idea how much fun I was having here tonight.
“I can’t believe your parents have been married for thirty years. That’s a really long time,” I said.
Jackson nodded. I tried to do the math in my head. Sam was somewhere around Peter’s age, so he was probably twenty-four or twenty-five. I squinted my eyes for a second, realizing I had no idea how old Marie and Phil were.
“Wait, how old are your parents?”
Jackson squinted his own eyes, and I watched his lips move as he figured it out. “Well, my mom had me when she was forty, so she’s like fifty-six or something.”
I had to hold my lips together to keep my jaw from dropping. His parents were in their mid-fifties? I didn’t think they looked a day over forty-five. My own mom was more than ten years younger than his parents. She was only twenty when she had Peter, and twenty-eight when she had me.
“Oh, that makes sense now; why you’re so much younger than your other cousins, I mean,” I said.
Jackson made a sound from the back of his throat before chugging the rest of his drink.
“I’m so much younger because I was an accident,” Jackson said.
An accident?“What do you mean?”
Jackson looked up at me. “An accident. Like, a mistake. My parents didn’t plan on having more children after Julie.”
I furrowed my eyebrows as my eyes traveled over his face. I refused to believe that was true. His parents loved him—he was their baby. “Why would you say that, Jackson?”
He looked me dead in the eyes. “I’m serious. My dad got a vasectomy after they had Julie. They didn’t want another baby. But somehow, they ended up with me.” He started playing with the zipper of his costume so he didn’t have to look at me anymore.
“What’s a vasectomy?”
Jackson started laughing, placing his hands over his face as he shook from his chuckles.
“You really are sheltered. Did you not pay attention in health class?” he asked with a goofy grin.
I felt my cheeks grow warm. “I’m not taking health until next trimester.” It was my turn to avoid eye contact. I spun the ladles and spatulas around on their hangers behind me, refusing to meet Jackson’s gaze.
“It’s a surgery guys get so they’re like, infertile. They can still come and stuff, but there’s no sperm in it to get a girl pregnant.”
I was sure my entire body flushed red. I didn’t understand how Jackson could just talk about this stuff so freely without being embarrassed.
“Oh, I see,” I said quietly.
“Yep,” he said. “So that’s why my parents didn’t expect me. Sam and Julie used to tease me about it all the time when I was younger.”
It hurt my heart to see Jackson act like he was a mistake in his family, or like they didn’t want him. He was such an essential part of his family, and such an essential part ofmylife. I couldn’t imagine him not being around.
“Well, if it makes you feel better, I was a mistake, too. I was the product of a one-night stand. My mom cheated on Peter’s dad. That’s why Peter hates me so much; I destroyed their family by being born,” I said.
Jackson’s nostrils flared as he met my eyes. I thought the statement would make him feel like we had a mutual connection, but he was looking at me with anger now.
