Page 17 of What If It Was Us
Jackson and I split off in opposite directions. We finished the rest of the close without even a glance at each other. When we climbed into Julie’s truck at the end of the night, Jackson didn’t so much as touch me with his pinky again.
***
After our shift the next day, Jackson invited me to a New Year’s Eve party. This time it was hosted by a drama kid named Priscilla. She had just played Alice in the school’s production ofAlice in Wonderland.
I had on a pair of jeans and a long-sleeve gray shirt with my high-top Converse, looking out of place beside all the other kids, who were dressed in formal attire. The boys were wearing button-up dress shirts with slacks, and the girls were in a variety of sparkles and cocktail dresses.
“I didn’t realize it was fancy,” Jackson said, leaning down to talk in my ear. His breath against the shell of my ear caused me to shiver. He was wearing jeans, too, with a pair of red Vans and a black hoodie.
“At least we stick out together.”
I met his eyes, and I almost melted at the smile he was giving me. I could dip into those brown eyes and be content with whatever small piece of himself he was willing to offer me.
Don’t fuck it up by screwing around with Jackson.
What was more important? Jackson or my job? Definitely my job. He just had to stopsmilingat me like that.
“I’m going to get something to drink,” I said as I turned away from him. I recognized one of the girls by the beverages, and she struck up a conversation with me. I ended up sitting with her at the table, playing a game of Catch Phrase with three other kids.
Jackson stayed on the other side of the room, sitting on the couch with a separate group of kids. There wasn’t alcohol at this party, and I liked the setting. The theater students did not lack confidence. Every few seconds someone would break out in song, and everyone else would join in. Nobody was worried about making a fool of themselves, and I liked to watch Jackson sing along with them, too. Every now and then Jackson’s eyes would meet mine while we sang, and a burst of heat would blast through my stomach like a blowtorch.
When there was a minute left until midnight, everyone gathered around the TV. Everyone was screaming the countdown, and when the screen flashed “Happy New Year”, I looked through the throng of people for Jackson.
A few kids were throwing confetti, while couples started kissing. I pulled a piece of confetti out of my eyelash, and found Jackson watching me from across the room. For a moment I thought maybe he’d ignore Julie’s request to not touch me again, because the way he was looking at me now was the same way he’d looked at me in the closet. He studied my face as he clenched and unclenched his fists, like he was having an internal battle with himself. I took a step forward, and even though we were ten feet away from each other, he took a step back. Then he slowly shook his head at me. I froze where I stood, his eyes pleading for me to stay put, like he wouldn’t be able to tell me no again.
His features softened, and for a second, he looked like he was changing his mind. He leaned forward hesitantly, and a surge of adrenaline bolted through my stomach. It was going to happen—hewas going to come kiss me. He straightened at the last second, and instead, he turned to the right and tapped the girl next to him. She turned around with a smile, and said something to him I couldn’t hear.
Then I watched as Jackson kissed someone else.
Chapter 9
NOW
June
Jackson and I had just finished filling up a third bag when the playlist ended, so we decided it was time to take a break. “Enchanted” by Taylor Swift, “You Should See Me Now” by Neck Deep, and “Nothing Changes” by Simple Plan had been my picks. I might have been subtly giving him messages, but that’s just speculation.
He’d chosen “No Hands” by Waka Flocka Flame, which I knew was an homage to the first shift I worked with him and Julie, when they were both shocked that I had never heard the song before. After that was “Circles” by Mac Miller, followed by “The First Time” by Damiano David. It felt like a message back to me, but I wouldn’t let myself overthink it. The entire playlist was barely half an hour.
When the room filled with silence I stared at the scar over Jackson’s right eye as he tied all the bags. How did he get it? What had I missed in his life these past ten years?
“Do you have something to say?” Jackson joked when he caught me staring for the hundredth time. “You have your thinking face on.”
“Do I?” I asked as I reared my head back.
Jackson smirked. “You always raise your left eyebrow when you’re focusing hard on something.” He reached forward and smoothed his thumb over my eyebrow.
When our eyes met, he dropped his smile and snapped his arm back. Ten years, and he still remembered that detail about me. I pointed toward his scarred eyebrow, not daring to touch him. “When did you get that scar?”
He ran a finger over it before putting his hands on his hips and looking away. “I got it when I was eighteen.”
I let out a small laugh. “Jackson, I knew you when you were eighteen.”
He looked up at me and pinched his mouth to the side. “Not during those last two months.”
I was already in North Carolina by the time Jackson turned nineteen. He must have gotten it sometime between June and August.
“What happened?”
