Page 32 of Made
“I’m not being down on myself, Nathan. I’m just being honest. You know better than anyone the things I did. The situations you had to get me out of.”
He shakes his head. “You’re not that person anymore, Maddox.”
“I am that person. I’ll always be that person. I’m just a different version of him now.”
“A better version. We’re so fucking proud of you, Mad. We’ve put the past behind us, and so should you.”
I know he means what he says, but I don’t completely agree with him. “I pawned Great-Grandad’s Navy watch.” Of all the shitty things I did back then, that is the one that comes back to haunt me the most. I did worse things, technically, but that’s the one I can never quite shake off.
He looks pained and sucks on his lip before he speaks. It’s one of his few tells—it means he’s thinking. “And I got it back. There was no harm done, Maddox. You were still practically a kid.”
“I was in my mid-twenties, Nathan.”
“Okay, well you were a mess. You’re not now. It was a mistake. Even Dad has put it behind him. Why can’t you?”
I still remember the day I snuck it out of the house. That precious watch. It belonged to my mom’s great-grandfather, and she treasured it. I was so deep in the hole of drugs and booze by that stage, I didn’t care. My dad had put a block on my trust fund, thinking naively that that would stop me from abusing myself. He clearly did not understand the way that addicts work. I got a hundred bucks for the watch at a pawn shop. It was worth much more than that, but it was the kind of place that didn’t ask questions. I took the cash, got high, and then lost myself in the oblivion I so desperately craved.
It was only afterwards, coming down and shaking with remorse, that I confessed to Nathan. My big brother took one stern, silent look at me, asked a few questions, and left the house. He didn’t even yell, which is more than I deserved. I deserved for him to beat the shit out of me, and perhaps that’s what I secretly was hoping for. A different way to reach that state of oblivion.
He came back two hours later with the watch. He hugged me tight, letting me sob into his shoulder. He knew better than anyone what I’d gone through after I lost Yasmin. He was the only one who knew what I’d done to avenge her, and he kept my secret. Always. My Dad walked in on us right then and demanded to know what was going on. I told him, blurted it out. Maybe looking for more punishment.
He lost the plot. Tore me a new one, told me some home truths I wasn’t ready to hear. We both said things we regretted, and it was right after that I left. Walked out.
My Dad hates how that all happened. He regrets the way he reacted and how we left things. But in a way it was exactly what I needed. I had to hit rock bottom, and leaving the family home and traveling allowed me the time and space I needed to recreate myself.
I smile at my brother across the table. He’s always had my back, no matter what. “I don’t want to put it behind me. I need to live with the things I’ve done. I don’t hate myself for them anymore, I promise you that, but I can’t pretend they never happened either. They were all stepping stones to becoming who I am now, and I like who I am now.”
He lets out an exasperated noise, swigs down some beer. “An annoying asshole is who you are now.”
“I know that. But I’m an annoying asshole who loves you.”
His lips twitch in a smile. “Love you too, Mad.” Then he clinks his bottle against my glass. Maybe he was right aboutsome things. I can’t forget my past, but it’s time to give more thought to my future and what it could look like.
Chapter 15
Ellie
2 MONTHS LATER
Ihear him knock at the door and open it while I’m still on my call. I’m wearing short-shorts and a halter top because the air conditioning in this building is not coping with the sudden heatwave.
He smiles at my little finger wave, his eyes briefly roaming my body before he looks away and goes to the kitchen. I glance down, suddenly seeing myself through his eyes. My ass is undoubtedly spilling out of the frayed denim, and my tummy is escaping the pink fabric of my top. Crap, I’m not even wearing a bra. Sometimes I feel so comfortable with Maddox that I forget to do the most basic things, like look in a mirror.
I bite down on the self-consciousness, and concentrate on what my almost-mom, Keres, is saying. My brother Jayden won first prize at the school science fair, my sister Iris has declared she wants to be an astronaut when she grows up, and Melody has a boyfriend. Which, given that she’s only twelve, is slightly alarming. “Don’t worry,” she tells me. “We’re monitoring the situation.”
I laugh out loud. I bet they are, and the more I think about it, the more I pity the boy involved. “I’ve got to go, Kee. My friend is here.”
Silence on the other end, apart from the sound of Zeus the Belgian Malinois barking in the background, ably assisted by Milo, the more sedate older Lab. “Okay, sweetheart. Have fun. And whenever you want to bring friends home you know that’s all right with us, I hope? We’ll be on our best behavior, I promise.”
“I know. And I will come home soon. I’ve just been so busy with work. I love you all.”
She tells me they all love me too, and I laugh as I hang up, imagining how Maddox would fit in with my adorable but also certifiably crazy-ass family. I love them to bits, but they are not what you’d call traditional.
I grab a hoodie from the back of the door and throw it on. It covers my boobs and my gigantic ass. I fan myself with my hands as I go into the tiny kitchen. Which feels a whole lot smaller now that Maddox is in it. Like seeing a Grizzly bear trapped in a powder room. He has bags with him, unpacking food onto the counter. He’s come ‘round to finalize his business loan applications and seems to have a whole deli with him. Not that I’m complaining.
“Sorry about that. I was just talking to the fam.”
He nods, passing me a chilled bottle of his homemade lemonade. He knows I can’t get enough of its zesty deliciousness. “All good?”
