Page 20 of Made
I take some deep breaths. Repeat my mantras. Remind myself that I was a child too. That I must accept what I cannot change. At that time in my life, I was already broken from losing my mom. Even at seventeen I was constantly high, always looking for the next way to escape the pain inside me. Yasmin was another addiction, but I loved her as much as I could love anyone back then. When it all happened, I broke even more. I snapped in two. I thought I was a monster, and I hated myself.
On days like this, a bottle of wine is still hard to resist.
By the time Nathan comes back in, one eyebrow raised, I’m calm. “It’s Yasmin’s birthday,” I tell him simply. Of all my brothers, Nathan knows the most about that time in my life.
A flicker of sadness crosses his face. “I’m sorry, Mad.”
I appreciate that he doesn’t go on about it. He just clasps me into his arms and gives me a bear hug. Then he holds me by the shoulders and looks me in the eyes. “I love you, bro. And I’m so fucking proud of you and everything you’ve accomplished.”
“Yeah?” I ask, grinning. “So far I’ve accomplished fuck all, but thanks.”
“You’re here with us. You make a difference every single day. You’re one of the best human beings I know.”
I know he means it, but right now I don’t feel so positive. So I make light of it, pushing down the demons of my past. “Yeah, well, you hang round with the Irish mob, so... Shall we go?”
He shakes his head and glances at his watch. “Yep. Is it hard, being sober?”
I didn’t expect that question, but I shouldn’t be surprised. Nathan knows me well. He’s guessed I’m struggling beyond what I’d ever admit.
“Yes,” I say simply. “Not all the time. I spent years in a fuzz, so these days I appreciate the clarity. But yeah, not gonna lie, sometimes it sucks. Sometimes I’d like to take the edge off the way you guys can. I’m not like you guys though, and I never will be. That’s a straight-up fact and there’s no use crying like a baby about it.”
“True. So wipe your eyes, little man, and let’s go put on a James brothers show. Or Amber will at best disembowel us, at worst look disappointed.”
I smile to myself as he leaves the kitchen. It sounds the wrong way ‘round, but I know what he means. He and Amber have a checkered history, but these days there’s genuine affection between them. None of us want to let her down.
Besides, I want to do this. I want to be around my family today. God knows I need the distraction, and there’s a chance I’ll get to talk to Ellie. She’s continued to politely blank me every time I see her, and it’s getting old. Tonight, we’ll be in a social setting, away from the workplace. Maybe it’ll be easier to break through.
We had such a special connection back in Marrakech, the kind of spark I don’t think I’ve ever felt before or since. And I know she felt it too. We shared things about our pasts that we both admitted we usually kept private. She knows me betterafter one night than most people who have known me for years. At the very least we could be friends, couldn’t we? And for that reason I need to resolve whatever this tension is between us.
I raise my glass of sparkling apple juice in a toast to the girl who will remain forever young and always have a place in my heart. “Happy birthday, Yas. Wish me luck.”
Chapter 10
Ellie
Sweet Jesus, those men know how to make an entrance. I’m in the lobby of the hotel when they arrive. They get out of their vast stretch limo with such athletic grace you can tell they’ve been doing it their whole lives. Or maybe rich kids get lessons in things like that.
Elijah comes out first, accompanied by his dad, Dalton James. Even in his seventies, Dalton’s rocking full-on silver fox, with the same gray eyes as his oldest son. I haven’t met the next two in person, but I recognize them right away. Nathan emerges with his gorgeous wife Mel, then Drake with his, Amelia. I know from some pictures Mason shared that Amelia recently had a baby, and that Drake handles her with such care it almost makes me cry. What must it feel like to have a man so tender, and yes, so completely hot, look at you like that? He gazes at her like she’s the most beautiful woman in the entire world. Which means she is.
King and Mason slip out next, laughing as usual. Those two seem to have a blast 24/7. I realize I’m holding my breath now, waiting to see if that door will stay open. If anybody else will appear. Not that I care, I tell myself, smoothing down the red velvet of the dress.
Then he climbs out of the car, and I let out a little squeaking noise as I watch him join his family. The brothers group together, and paparazzi flashes go off as they smile with practiced ease. Holy crap, he looks amazing. Wearing a tux, like the rest of them, but somehow different—maybe vintage—although it looks custom-made, perfectly molded to the contours of his body, the black material stretched taut around his tree-trunk thighs, yet still fitted on his waist. Vintage or not, it looks so good on him that my eyes almost fall out of my head. No man has a right to look that hot. He’s so hot he could be single-handedly responsible for global warming.
Tall, broad, brawny, but still moving with such grace. Like a huge jungle animal, prowling and hunting and…shit.Get hold of yourself, Ellie. I’ve read way too many romantasy novels this year.
Maddox is a man. Just a normal human man, not a shapeshifter or a character from a book. He is not my romantic lead, and I most definitely do not give off main character energy. At least not to him. He made that clear years ago, and I need to remember that when I find myself wondering what it would be like to touch him. To lose myself in those eyes any time I wanted.
I scoot back into the main room where the event is taking place. There’s a dinner, some entertainment, and a charity auction. Looking around at the rest of the clientele, I’m guessing I won’t be in the right league to buy anything. But that’s okay—this is a fundraiser for Amber’s Intrepid Young Voices Foundation. I researched it before I came, and it does amazing work. It gives bright and talented kids from difficult backgrounds the chance to shine with funding, mentoring, and education.
Nobody would know it to look at me now—at least I hope not—but I came from a difficult background myself. I know how much it means to have someone believe in you when you’vealmost given up on yourself. When the world, and the people who are supposed to love and protect you, tell you that you’re worthless. Sometimes, all it takes is for one person to really see you. So while I won’t be paying fifty grand for the signed Yankees hat being auctioned off, no matter how much I wish I was, I will make a donation to this fantastic cause.
I scan around for the table where the Jamestech squad is sitting. Nobody else is at their seat yet. This seems to be the part of the event that’s for milling around, socializing, comparing outfits and sharing in gossip. I glance at my phone. There’s actually an hour until dinner. My tummy rumbles at the thought, and I’m glad I stuffed a granola bar in my purse before I left. Maybe I can sneak off and give my body some fuel to work with.
I’m tense, for all kinds of reasons. I’ve had a busy day at work, I’m feeling a little nervous about my fancy dress, and…Maddox is here. Enough said.
I grab my purse and make my way through the crowds. I say ‘excuse me’ maybe a hundred times, each instance feeling more awkward. This is one of the things about being a larger person in a world that does not always seem right for you—I always feel self-conscious when I have to squeeze past chairs and slide between backs, half-worried I’m going to spectacularly knock a bottle of expensive wine off a table with my ass.
I finally reach the exit, and see a sign that says‘Secret Garden.’ Well, it can’t be that secret if there’s a sign pointing towards it, but it’ll probably do just fine. Maybe it’s for smokers, or nervous girls who need five minutes alone with a granola bar.
