Page 219 of Bound By Fire
“Understand what? You were doing your job. Fine, I get it, but you should never have had sex with me.”
“No, you’re right. I shouldn’t have, but I was powerless to stop it.”
She chokes out a laugh.
“That’s bull, and you know it.”
“I told myself what was happening between us was about the assignment. I told myself I was staying close to you because of the case. I knew it was wrong. I even went to Reed and asked to be pulled off the assignment. I told her that we had slept together.”
Her mouth drops open. “You lied.”
“I’m sorry. I was told not to say anything. My request was denied. I tried to have myself removed. I?—”
“Not hard enough.” Her eyes are blazing.
“You’re right.”
“I felt betrayed, Ridge,” she says. Her voice is quiet, but nothing about it is soft. “I still do. I can’t get over it.”
“I know.” My voice is gruff. “And there is no version of this where I justify what I did. I can’t, and I’m not trying to. I’m telling you that it was real for me, too. What I felt… What I feel for you is real. I wouldn’t allow myself to see it. I made excuses. I told myself that it was just sex. But I was lying to myself.” I exhale. “My dragon figured it out before I did. So did Flint, and I shut both of them down.”
She’s very still.
“Figured what out?”
I look at her straight. “That I’m falling for you as well. I enjoy being with you. It isn’t just sex. Maybe that’s how it started, but?—”
“You should stop there.” Her voice is deadpan.
“I care for you. I have real feelings. It may have started out as an arrangement and an assignment, but somewhere along the line, it changed.”
She shakes her head. She lifts one hand, palm out.
She looks so together, while I feel like a colossal mess.
“Don’t,” she says. “Please don’t.” She takes a breath. “Thank you for coming. Thank you for what you did to free me, and for saying this. I know it couldn’t have been easy.” Her hand drops. “But I told you from the beginning I didn’t want a relationship. That hasn’t changed.”
“You told me you were falling in love with me,” I say it quietly.
Her eyes soften for a moment, but it doesn’t last.
“I was,” she says. “I said that I was falling, not that I was in love with you. I’m almost glad that things happened the way they did. It made me realize I’m not cut out for love.”
“Of course you are,” I tell her.
“Nope.” She meets my eyes. “I’m really not. The long and the short of it is that I don’t want anything serious. It was great while it lasted. I really enjoyed the sex. Thank you. This can be a story I tell my friends at the old age home one day.” She gives a little laugh, managing to sound like she means it. And maybe she does.
“Don’t say that, Robyn. You deserve to be loved. To be?—”
“No.” Her voice doesn’t waver. “We had an arrangement. It ran its course. You helped me, and I’m grateful. Let’s walk away while we still can. It’ll be easier for both of us. Please leave it at that. I don’t want to have to kick you out of my apartment. There is nothing you can say to change my mind.”
“I don’t want easier,” I tell her. “I want you.”
“You can’t have me.” She holds my gaze. She shakes her head. “We’re done.”
“Robyn.” My voice is a rough rasp.
“No.” She walks to the door and opens it. “I hope you have a wonderful life, Ridge. I really mean it.”
