Page 25 of Ahelno
“Delicious,” she said. “Sweeter than most Ptexari food I have tried while on holiday. Much of the food here is too spicy for me.”
“Yes,” I agreed. “I’ve been learning to cook here because I generally prefer things on the sweet or salty side. Or both.” I smiled at her.
Anixa positively radiated goodwill. She had a calming presence, and even though I suspected she could rummage around my head at will, she refrained.
“Tell me what is troubling you,” she began.
I started at the beginning and told her the whole sorry tale.The kidnapping, the cell, the journey here, the crash, the assault, and the aftermath. Even the suicide attempt.
“It’s been so much better since I moved to the village,” I assured her. “I haven’t had any desire to self-harm, and I have made good friends, so I don’t feel isolated anymore.”
“You went through a lot of trauma in a short period of time. Yet, you seem to be recovering well. Has something new happened? Why did you request my assistance?” she asked.
“I saw a mating ritual two days ago, and it was very triggering.”
“Describe what you saw.” I described the ritual. I hesitated when I told her how Miravel had said ‘Ahelno’ and Canticor gave chase. I didn’t fully describe the actual mating, but told her how I had a panic attack and threw up, and went home.
“This word, Ahelno, means ‘mate’ in Ptexari, but is a term of negation in your language, yes?”
“Yes. The Ptexari believe my rape was actually a misunderstanding on the male’s part. He thought I was initiating the mating ritual, but really I was saying ‘no’ and begging him to stop, but he didn’t speak my language and didn’t understand.”
“And what do you believe?” she asked.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“You said the Ptexari believe the rape was a misunderstanding. What do you believe?” she asked.
“I’m not sure. Maybe they’re right. But that means I’m at least partially responsible for what happened to me,” I said.
“You were not at fault,” she said.
“I know,” I said, but I wasn’t entirely sure.
“Based on what you told me, the male is not entirely at fault either.”
“Exactly. Seeing Miravel’s mating ritual, how closely it matched my experience, I could see his perspective. If this iswhat he grew up seeing and expecting, then I acted just like Miravel. There’s no reason he would think I wasn’t consenting. The way she fought Canticor was exactly like I fought.The words she said, the chase, the fight, everything was exactly what their mating ritual is supposed to be. Seeing it in person, I can’t ignore that it wasn’t really his fault.” My shoulders deflated.
“Does this bother you?”
“Well, yes.”
“Why?”
“Well, because if it wasn’t his fault, then it must be mine.”
She let me sit with that for a minute. It was the first time I had admitted it out loud. I knew I blamed myself. I had projected that anger onto Prince Dakleth because he was an easy scapegoat, but deep down, I felt like it was all my fault.
“What happened to you was NOT your fault, Andie,” Anixa said, gently.
“I’m not sure if I believe that.”
“Mistakes happen. This was a cultural misunderstanding - with the very worst outcome, to be sure. You did not know the Ptexari language. You did not know their ritual. You did not ask to be kidnapped from your home. You had just gotten out of a shipwreck and were not even in your right mind. I can sense that you speak truly when you say you did not wish to have sex in that moment, and no reasonable person could have expected you to know that your words and actions would trigger a mating ritual with a species you had never seen or heard of. Give yourself grace and accept that this wasnot your fault.”
“I’m not sure I can,” I whispered.
“Tell me, what would you have done differently? You had just been through an awful experience with one alien that you suspected intended to sell you or keep you in sexual slavery. Thenanother giant alien confronts you with his penis out of his skirt. What were you supposed to think? Were you just going to stand there and let him rape you? Because that is what your brain would logically have expected to happen if you did NOT attempt to flee or fight.”
I thought back to that first meeting. Dakleth was staring at me, eyes glowing, cock out, looming over me. Could I have stayed still, held my hands up in surrender? No. A thousand times no. I would have reacted the same way every time. And given the circumstances, that was a reasonable response to what I was seeing.
