Page 8 of Heartsick & Lipsticks
NICK
I rolledmy shoulders in an attempt to center myself and calm the anxiety that was coursing through my veins as I waited in front of my daughter’s school. Part of my nerves stemmed from my own reaction to seeing the woman who gave birth to me. It was difficult to refer to her as my mom since she’d never been that to me. But another part was exposing my daughter to death.
I’d prepared Bella for the arrival of my mother by explaining that her grandma was very sick and would be living with us until she passed away, exactly as all the therapists had advised me to do. I’d answered all of her questions, including why she’d never met her before. I’d explained that adults had consequences for their actions, just like she did. I’d told her that her grandma had been in prison, which was sort of like time out.
The doctors were very clear that Naomi had less than six months to live. I was knowingly bringing someone into the house who was, for all intents and purposes, a complete stranger who was going to die right in front of my daughter.
But what if this was the wrong decision?
What if it damaged Bella?
What if the therapists and psychologists I’d spoken to were full of shit?
Those questions had been keeping me up at night. There had been so many times I’d decided not to bring her home and just put her in a facility. But something always stopped me.
My gut. It was the one thing that I’d always followed, even if it seemed crazy to other people. And my gut was telling me this was the right thing to do. Not only that, but if I didn’t, I would regret it for the rest of my life.
I just hoped this wasn’t the first time in my forty years that it let me down.
“Hey!” I felt a hand clap on my shoulder and turned to see Maddox and Alex standing behind me.
I immediately felt better just seeing their faces.
Our daughters all went to the same school, but because of our schedules, we were rarely all there at pickup together. I knew they’d shown up today for me, to support me.
We had each other’s backs. Always. Our bond had only gotten stronger since the girls were born. They’d all arrived in the same year but under wildly different circumstances.
Alex was married to his high school sweetheart, Ashley. Their son, AJ, was fourteen when his wife found out she was expecting for the second time. Tragically, a drunk driver hit Ash and AJ when she was nine months pregnant. They were rushed to the hospital, and, in one of the cruelest twists of fate, neither survived but the baby did. Lexi was a healthy, happy baby girl. Maddox and I did everything we could to be there and support our friend through his grief, but things hadn’t really turned around for him until he met Sadie almost two years ago. Now the two of them were planning a wedding and had a one-year-old daughter named Penelope and a newborn son named Tommy.
I couldn’t be happier that my friend had another chance at happily ever after.
Maddox’s journey to fatherhood was much different. His daughter Hannah’s mom, Lizzy, and him had been friends-with-benefits for years before she peed on a stick and it came up positive. Thankfully, the two of them weren’t just fuck buddies; they had a really strong friendship foundation and decided to keep the baby.
They were co-parenting rock stars. Seriously, they should write a book. Lizzy married her ex from college when Hannah was one, and Maddox walked her down the aisle. Then last year, Maddox reconnected with his first love, Peyton, and Lizzy was going to be a bridesmaid in their wedding.
I was the only single man standing, and my journey to fatherhood was a little different than Maddox and Alex’s, who had been with and knew their partners. I woke up one morning and found Bella in a car seat on my doorstep with a note from someone saying that she was mine. The author of the note then went on to explain that she’d thought she would be able to do this but just couldn’t handle it all.
After determining it wasn’t a prank and recovering from the shock, I got a DNA test done, which verified I was the father. And then I hired a private investigator to find out who the mother was. It turned out she was a model I’d hooked up with the year before.
I reached out to her and had her officially sign over custody to me so there wouldn’t be any surprises down the road. I hated surprises. But I never kept her from seeing Bella. She usually showed up once a year, around her birthday, and hung out with her for a day or two, but other than that, she wasn’t really involved in her life.
“How are you? We’ve been trying to get a hold of you.” Maddox was the youngest in our group, but he was also the most nurturing and what my therapist referred to as emotionally mature.
“Sorry, things have been busy.”
“Is she home?” Alex was the strong, silent type. He was a man of few words, but that didn’t mean he cared any less than Maddox or I did.
“She’s home, yeah.”
“Are you okay? How was it seeing her again?” Maddox asked.
“It was strange. I haven’t really spoken to her. I didn’t want to see her at the prison; that just seemed like too much. When we got home, it was sort of hectic. The paramedics got her set up in the room, and the hospice care nurse, Gary, was there and needed to go through some paperwork with me and then with her. I gave them space, and when I stopped by to let her know that I was going to pick up Bella, she was asleep.”
They both nodded.
“So, are you okay?” Maddox asked again.
“Yeah, I think so. The strangest part was just seeing how much she looks like Bella. They have the same hair and eye color. The same round face and nose. Even the same lips.” I shook my head. “I’d forgotten what she looked like, or something. I thought I knew her, but seeing her today, it’s like Bella is her twin.”
