Page 16 of Heartsick & Lipsticks
NICK
My Apple Watchread 2:50 a.m. Since my alarm was set for five thirty, even if I fell asleep now, I’d get less than three hours sleep. So the question was, do I get up and start my day or try to force myself to drift off? I was still trying to decide the best course of action when my door creaked. I looked up and saw Bella in the doorway wearing her Princess Tiana pajamas.
“Daddy?” Her tiny voice carried into the room.
“What’s wrong, Squirt?”
She rubbed her eyes. “Can you tuck me back in?”
Ninety percent of the time, Bella slept through the night. She’d always been a good sleeper. But occasionally, she woke up to use the bathroom and she always wanted me to tuck her back in. Most of the time, I was doing so half asleep because I’d been woken up. Tonight, I was wide awake.
I followed her back into her room, and on the way decided I would give up trying to sleep altogether and just go down to work in my office.
“Is Grandma going to live with us for a long time?” Bella asked as I tucked her into bed.
It was going to take some getting used to hearing my daughter refer to Naomi as Grandma. She seemed to have really latched on to the title. Since Bella’s mom wasn’t really in the picture, she’d never had grandparents before. I hadn’t realized how much she must have felt that was missing in her life.
The therapists I’d contacted prepared me for Bella asking a ton of questions, sometimes over and over again, because she was a bright child and it was an unusual circumstance. They all agreed that I should always tell her the truth; the key was to do it in a language that she could comprehend and process.
“Well, she’s very sick, so I don’t know how long she’s going to live with us.”
“So, she’s going to live with us until she dies?”
“Yep.”
“Like Goldilocks?”
“Yes, like Goldilocks.”
Goldilocks was a goldfish that Bella was gifted at a birthday party she attended for a classmate in her preschool. Side note: What kind of sociopathic parents gave out live things as party favors?
I’d never had a fish before, so I had no clue how to care for one. After a trip to the pet store, we set up Goldie in the large tank, complete with a castle, greenery, and even a mirror, so she wouldn’t feel alone. She lasted eighteen months before we found her floating at the top of the tank. Some of the other parents whose fish hadn’t lived as long told me that they’d just replaced their child’s fish, with them being none the wiser. I’d decided that I didn’t want to lie to her. We held a ceremony to say goodbye, which ended in us flushing her down the toilet.
“Okay.” Bella seemed content with that answer, turned over, and curled up on her side.
I tucked her in, pushing the blankets to hold her snuggly, then kissed her on the forehead. “Goodnight, my little burrito baby.”
I wasn’t sure how much longer our nightly ritual would last, but I had a feeling its days were numbered. I doubted she’d want to be tucked in like a burrito once she hit double digits, or maybe even sooner. I wanted to treasure every second that she was still my burrito baby.
Bella’s eyes drifted closed, and I slipped out of her room after turning off her light. When I did, her galaxy nightlight illuminated her ceiling with stars and planets.
As I walked down the hallway, my mind was all over the place. I was out of sorts. I told myself it was because the woman who’d given me half my DNA was under my roof. But the truth was, I didn’t think that was where my agitation was originating from.
That distinction, I feared, was due to another woman who was under my roof.
Never in my life had I had such a visceral reaction to a woman before. When I’d walked into the kitchen and found Skye at the sink, my entire world shrank to a pinpoint where she was all that existed. As soon as I saw her, my mind quieted down. All the tabs closed. The only thing I could think about was her. I’d felt attraction, lust, and even infatuation before, but never all-consuming desire. I’d never been struck speechless by the sheer beauty and poise of someone before.
I knew that poise was an odd word to use to describe someone I’d never even spoken to. But that’s exactly what she had. Before she’d even said a word, I could sense who she was. I recognized her even though I knew that was the first time I’d ever laid eyes on her. When she asked if we’d met, I hadn’t meant to respond so forcefully. But I wondered if she’d felt the same way I had.
When she walked out of the room, my brain turned back on, like a computer booting back up. For the past few hours, I’d replayed our conversation again and again. I couldn’t stop thinking about it—about her.
After walking downstairs, I stood in the foyer and was faced with a fork in the road, or in this case, fork in the hall. If I turned right, I would head to my office. Left would lead to Naomi’s room, where Skye was. Therightthing to do was to goright, but instead of listening to my brain, my feet moved to the left. It was almost as if an outside force was pulling me. Like I had no control over where I was going.
Halfway down the hall, I told myself I’d just go check to make sure that there was nothing Skye or my mother needed. That was a totally normal thing to do. So that begged a few questions.
Why was my heart pounding out of my chest harder with each step that I took?
Why was I questioning what I was doing?
