Page 135 of Heartsick & Lipsticks
NICK
There weren’t reallyany words that could describe the way I felt as I sat in my mom’s nearly empty room. It had been two weeks since she passed and one week since the funeral, and somehow it still didn’t seem real to me that she was gone.
She wasn’t the first person I’d lost that I’d been close to. Alex’s first wife and son were family to me. Their deaths had been sudden and tragic. It came out of the blue, and in an instant, the entire world changed.
Somehow, this was different. I’d known that Naomi was dying, and I thought I’d been prepared for losing her. But I wasn’t. It still felt sudden and unbelievable. One minute she was here, and the next she was gone.
I checked my phone to see if Skye had replied to my last message. She hadn’t. I knew the best thing to do would be to give her space. But I wasn’t. I kept calling and texting her under the guise of being friends, when that was the last thing I wanted. She must see through it, though, because it took her a day or two, or sometimes three, to respond to me, and even then, it was only ever a one-word or emoji text response.
When we’d talked, she’d said that the only reason I had feelings for her was because I’d formed a bond with her over a trauma, so it wasn’t real or sustainable. She said that once things went back to normal, I’d feel differently. I’d argued with her that she was wrong, but she wouldn’t listen.
I wish I could make her understand. I’d never believed in love at first sight, but that’s exactly how I felt when I walked into my kitchen and saw her standing there. I loved her. Not that I’d been able to tell her that. I’d wanted to, but the time just never seemed right. I didn’t think when she was trying to tell me that even my caring about her wasn’t real, that I should drop, “Yeah well, guess what? I love you”.
Nothing seemed right about the situation, but I didn’t know what to do about it. I just wanted to be with Skye. I wanted Callie and Bella to grow up together.
It was strange that just a few weeks ago this room was full of people, pictures, and other things. Now, it was so empty. Carmen had cleaned it out. She’d bagged up all Naomi’s clothes and things and asked me what I’d want done with them. I asked Bella if she wanted anything, and she chose her slippers. I kept the cardigan that she’d worn every time we went to the beach. The rest we’d donated to charity.
The only thing left in the room now was a box of her personal effects. I hadn’t opened it because I felt like it was private. But as I sat there now, the box was staring at me, and I knew that it was time and I had to do it alone.
I walked over to the bed and sat down. I lifted the lid and found stacks of letters. There had to be over a hundred there. They were all addressed to me. I pulled out the first one and saw that it had been written a few months after I was born.
Dear Nick,
Today was the worst day of my life because today was the day that social services came and took you away. I’m so sorry that you are going to have to start your life without a family to love you, care for you, and tell you every day how amazing you are. I’m so sorry that I can’t be there with you. I’m so sorry that I can’t be the one to love you and care for you, and tell you how amazing you are.
I love you more than you’ll ever know.
Mom
I flipped through the rest of the letters, opening different ones at random. One was on my eighth birthday; another was when I turned thirteen. There were letters written at Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, and the Fourth of July.
A single tear rolled down my face. Each one I opened was different but had one common thread. She apologized in each and every letter. She told me how much she loved me and how much she missed me. She talked a little about her life, but mostly she just talked about her hopes for me. She wanted me to have a happy, healthy, and full life with love, kids, and family. And she said that the only thing that kept her going was the belief that one day we would be reunited.
More tears fell down my face as I pulled more envelopes from the box. When I did, I noticed that there was one that wasn’t the same as the others. It was in a different envelope, and instead of blue ink, it was black.
I opened it and saw that it was dated a week before she passed.
Nick,
I know my time is almost up. I can feel that I won’t be here much longer. I wish I could find the right words to tell you how much these past few months have meant to me. Even though I don’t think anything I say can accurately sum up how I feel, I’m going to try.
I am so proud of you, my son. Not just because of the success you have in your professional life. Although that is so impressive, and I am proud of that, but you could have all the success and money in the world, and if you were a horrible person, none of it would mean anything.
Your true worth is in who you are. You are a kind, loving, hard-working, funny, loyal, honest, and caring man. You are an amazing father and are raising the most beautiful, incredible, independent girl who is going to be able to do anything, and be anything in this world because of the foundation and safety net you’ve provided for her.
You just turned forty, and you know I didn’t give you a gift. I tried to think of what I could get for you, but what do I give the man who has everything? So instead of giving you a gift, I wanted to tell you something.
First, let me start by thanking you for the gift you’ve given me by allowing me to be in your and Bella’s lives. These past few months, being part of a real family has meant more to me than you will ever know. It’s all that I ever wanted, and you gave me that, so thank you.
I wish I had more time with you. I wish I had years instead of days. But that’s life, or, I guess, in this case, that’s death.
Sorry, too soon?
I felt myself smile as a tear fell down my face.
Second, I wanted to tell you that facing death after being incarcerated all of my adult life has given me a unique perspective. I know that you think you have plenty of time, and I pray that you do. But the reality is that no one is promised tomorrow.
Love, true love, is the greatest gift in this world, and if you’ve found that, like I think you have, then, Nick, don’t let it go. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s not real. Remember, people do things and don’t do things for a lot of reasons. Sometimes it might be out of misplaced good intentions or sometimes out of fear. If you know something is real, don’t let anyone tell you it’s not.
