Page 125 of Heartsick & Lipsticks
That’s why Skye said she couldn’t move back in. Because my feelings would change.
How had I not realized that when she said it?
Dr. Lavine shifted back in his chair, crossing his legs and striking what I referred to as his monologue pose. Every time he sat in that position, I knew I should get comfortable because he was about to launch into a soliloquy.
“I look at it this way: if love is a pie, then feelings are just a tiny sliver of a piece,” he began.
Here we go.
“Of course, romantic love is attraction. It is desire and passion. But there are so many more pieces than that. Love is commitment. Love is forgiveness. Love is actions. Love is showing up every day as the best possible version of yourself for your partner. Love is communicating and listening. Love is accepting your partner for who they are now, supporting their growth, and continuing to get to know every version of them. Love is being kind even when you don’t feel like it. Love means investing time and energy into your relationship. Love is a decision that you keep making over and over again. Love isn’t just a feeling; it’s a choice. So the only question really is, do you choose Skye?”
Well, fuck, when he put it like that…
For the rest of the session, Dr. Lavine’s words kept sinking in. I’d been so scared about not being the person that Skye deserved that I’d gotten so in my head that I hadn’t realized love is a choice. I was in love with Skye. I knew that now. I choose Skye.
Now all I could do was hope that she chose me. She’d been quick to point out that I’d never had a committed relationship. Maybe she wouldn’t think I was capable of being in one.
When the session ended, I did something I’d never done before and pulled Dr. Lavine into a hug.
He returned the embrace and patted my back. “And just in case there’s any doubt in your mind, you deserve love, son. You deserve love.”
It wasn’t until that moment that I realized I wasn’t sure I did. His words erased a doubt I’d never recognized I had. It didn’t matter how old I was, how successful I was, or how much money was in my bank account; there was still the little kid who got shuffled from foster home to foster home, from group home to no home, inside of me who didn’t feel worthy.
I’d spent so much time and money in this office, sitting across from Dr. Lavine, over the past ten years. There had been moments—a lot of moments—when I wondered if it was worth it because I’d never experienced the illusive “breakthrough” or had any “Oprah aha Moments” until now.
This past hour made every second and dime I’d spent worth it.
“Is this our Good Will Hunting moment?” I teasingly asked as emotion welled up in me.
In our first session, Dr. Lavine asked what my goals were in therapy. I’d told him that I wanted to have a moment like Matt Damon’s character Will Hunting had with Robin Williams’s character Sean Maguire when he told him that the abuse he’d suffered in his childhood wasn’t his fault. I’d only been partly kidding.
Dr. Lavine chuckled. “I think it is.”
On the drive home, I tried calling Skye. Twice. Both times, it went straight to voicemail. She wasn’t scheduled to work until tomorrow night, but there was no way I could wait twenty-four hours to tell her how I felt. I’d promised Bella I’d be home to read her a story, but after I tucked my burrito baby in, I’d try Skye again. If she didn’t answer, I’d show up on her doorstep tomorrow morning.
I loved her. And I had to believe that she loved me, too. I could feel it when we were together. But it wasn’t just about feeling it. She’d broken fifteen years of self-imposed celibacy to be with me. She’d told me that nothing else could happen between us, and it had. Twice. Being with me was completely out of character for her. She was a rule-follower. She did things by the book. She wouldn’t break a rule, even a self-imposed one, if she didn’t have feelings for me.
Still, I was doing my best to temper my expectations. This was real life, and just because I knew how I felt now and what I wanted, which was her, didn’t mean that she would be in a place to accept that. Or even want that now. It might take time. I’d never been a patient man, but for her, I’d wait forever.
I pulled into the driveway of my house with renewed determination. I parked the car and got out, rehearsing in my head what I was going to tell her when I saw her or spoke to her. As soon as I walked into the house, I could feel that the energy was different. It was heavier and, at the same time, emptier. I pulled out my phone to check and see if I’d missed any messages. There weren’t any.
Before I made it to the kitchen, Bella raced up to me and jumped in my arms as she exclaimed, “Daddy!”
She held me tightly around my neck, and I knew then, for sure, something was wrong. “Hey, Squirt.”
Bella leaned back so she could look directly into my face. “Grandma’s been talking to her mom.”
“She has?” I continued into the kitchen and saw that Jada was not the only one there; Callie was seated at the kitchen island beside her, and both were wearing matching sympathetic expressions.
If Callie was here, that meant Skye was as well. But the only reason that Skye would be here is if Naomi… Emotion clogged my throat as an invisible band wound tightly around my chest.
“I don’t see grandma’s mom, but she does,” Bella explained.
“Oh, okay.” I tried to keep my expression neutral and calm as I spoke to her. “Well, I think I should go check on her. What do you think?”
Bella nodded her head up and down as I set her down.
“Come, help me finish my picture.” Callie smiled, and Bella ran over to her.
