Page 94 of Heartache & Playdates
We’d stayed at Lizzy’s for over six hours. We played Hannah’s favorite game of beauty salon and everyone got their nails painted including me. Hannah painted Lina’s nails purple. Lina painted Hannah’s pink with sparkles. I painted Lizzy’s nails light blue and she painted mine white. We’d all watchedThe Little Mermaid, which was Lina’s favorite Disney movie, and played four rounds of Go Fish.
It was one of the best days of my life. And it felt nearly perfect. But I just kept thinking how much better it would be if Peyton was there. Which reminded me, I was going to need to tell Hannah that Peyton was Lina’s mom.
Hannah had taken everything in stride so far. Lizzy being pregnant and having a big sister. I hoped that finding out that Peyton was Lina’s mom would just be more of the same.
I’d sent Peyton several pics of Hannah and Lina. One of them watching the movie together. One of them playing outside with Bubba, Lizzy and Ryan’s boxer. And one of them doing each other’s nails. But she hadn’t responded to any of them.
I checked my phone again, and still there’d been no response. I was beginning to grow concerned. It couldn’t hurt to stop by and check on things after I dropped Lina off. Just to make sure she and Nonna were okay.
“Hannah is adorable,” Lina said as she stared out the window. “She reminds me a lot of me at her age.”
I was still trying to come to terms with missing out on Lina’s entire life.
There was nothing that I could do about it now. Unless I had a time machine, I couldn’t change the past. But my mind kept wondering what would have happened if I hadn’t moved out of the group home and Peyton would have gotten a hold of me.
At the time, I was a sixteen-year-old kid without a dime to my name, but I’ve always been resourceful as hell. My circumstances would not have stopped me. I would have found a way to get Peyton home to the States and figured out how to support us. Just like Alex had done at the same age.
It would have been a struggle, but I was sure that Peyton and I would have made it. We would have gotten married and raised Lina. My mind filled with all the memories that had been robbed from me.
First step. First tooth. First day at school.
But then, if I would have gotten to experience those firsts with Lina, I wouldn’t have had them with Hannah. Hannah wouldn’t exist.
I’d always hated when people claimed everything happens for a reason. But I was starting to think they might just be right.
“I’d love to see pictures or videos of you growing up, if you have them.” I was sure Peyton would, too.
“My mom has a ton. I think because she tried for so long to have kids of her own, she just wanted to document every second of my life. It was annoying sometimes, but now, I’m happy I have them. I can have her send you some, or if you want to see them you can follow her on Instagram.”
“Would that be okay with her?”
“Are you kidding me?” She let out a forced laugh. “My parents have been ready to jump on a plane since I told them about you before I even got the internship. And now it’s not just meeting you but Peyton and Hannah, I’m sure they both have their bags packed by the front door and are just waiting for the green light. I told them to give me some time to get to know you before we bombard you guys. They are amazing, but they can bea lot.”
“I’d love to meet them. And thank them for—" I wanted to say raising my child, but I wasn’t sure what was appropriate. “—everything.”
“My mom willdefinitelycry when you do. Like, a lot.”
“I can handle crying.”
“She’s going to tell you I’m a miracle and the greatest blessing in their life,” Lina sing-songed, as if it was something she’s heard a million times. Like it was the soundtrack of her childhood.
Knowing that’s what she’d been told over and over again growing up, that she’d been raised by two loving, kind people who made her the center of their world had my own eyes welling up a bit.
“Youarea miracle and I’m sure youarethe greatest blessing in their lives.”
“I mean, I guess.” She shrugged and then shifted toward me as she pushed her glasses up on her nose. “I would get it if they cared about any academic stuff or my aptitude and IQ. But they never did. You know all the things that everyone at school and in the world thought made me special, none of that stuff ever mattered to them. I mean, they were proud of me, but only if I was happy. Like, every time they thought I was getting too stressed about school or my work, they would force me,literallyforce me, to walk away from computer and go outside for a walk. Or volunteer at the women’s shelter. Or go get my nails done.” She lifted her hands and wiggled her freshly painted fingers at me.
I grinned.
“They always told me that there was more to life than school, computers, algorithms and code. But I don’t think they understood that my brain doesn’t know that. To it, that is all that exists. It won’t shut off. It’s like once there’s something I need to solve, I can’t sleep, eat, or do anything until I solve it, you know.”
I glanced to my right and saw from her expression that she thought I was going to take her side on this. Ididunderstand what that felt like. To not be able to shut my brain off and not concentrate on anything until I could complete a project. But I was on her parents’ side on this one.
“I do know what that’s like but it’s sounds like they did exactly what you needed.”
She sat back in the seat and for a second, I thought I might have just fucked up. She’d wanted backup and I hadn’t given it to her. I felt like an ass that she’d opened up to me, obviously thought that I would be the one person who would understand what her brain was like, and I hadn’t had her back.
But then, she sighed. “Yeah, the older I get I’m starting to see there was probably a method to their madness. But at the time, I would just be counting the seconds until I could get back to my schoolwork or program and plotting ways to try and make that happen. I oncefakedbeing sick so I didn’t have to go to my friend’s birthday at an amusement park because a program I’d developed had a glitch in it and I knew that there was no way I could eat a churro or go on a roller coaster ride without fixing the code.”
