Page 82 of Heartache & Playdates
“Yes, I interviewed her last Friday and spoke to her at the interns’ lunch on Monday. But I needed to talk to her about this. About being her father.”
She stood back up and her voice raised. “You went and talked to her about this without me?!”
“You had our baby and didn’t tell me for twenty years,” I shot back.
She flinched at my words, like they’d been a slap in her face, and I instantly wished I could take them back. I realized then that I might have some feelings about this situation that I wasn’t dealing with. I knew that Peyton wasn’t to blame, but I couldn’t help feeling that my child and the love of my life had been taken from me. I’d been robbed of the life that I’d always wanted.
“I’m sorry.” I moved toward her closing the distance between us.
“No.” She shook her head as her shoulders dropped. “Don’t apologize. I deserved that.”
“No, you didn’t. And I didn’t mean that. The truth is, I needed to know why she’d applied to be an intern instead of just coming to me directly. I wanted to find out if she was angry or upset that she’d been adopted.”
Her eyes widened, misting with emotion as she nodded. “And? Is she?”
“No. Not at all. She had a great childhood and only looked for us because she was curious about where she came from.”
“What is she like?”
Peyton and I sat at a table, and I told her all about our daughter. I showed her pictures and even sent her the background report on her. It felt surreal and completely natural at the same time. This definitely wasn’t how I’d imagined and dreamed my parenting experience with Peyton would go, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t grateful. I did get part of my wish, it had just been granted in an unconventional way. Apparently, I should have been more specific.
34
PEYTON
People around me chatted,ate, drank as I sat in a booth staring at my phone. I didn’t know why, but I was sure that Lina was going to cancel.
When I’d messaged her asking if she wanted to meet after Maddox came to see me last night, she’d replied right away and said that there was a restaurant she’d been dying to try and that she was free tonight.
So here I was. I still wasn’t sure that this happening in a public place was the best idea. But I didn’t want her to come to Nonna’s because my grandmother was under the weather. Plus, I sort of wanted it to just be me and her the first time I met her.
I had to do this alone.
I checked the time again. Only one minute had passed from the last time I’d checked, but it felt like ten. Time felt like it was standing still. I’d shown up a half an hour early and I was waiting on pins and needles.
This was the most important moment of my life, and I still had no clue what I would say. I would apologize, of course. But after that…I was drawing a blank. Maybe she would have questions. I know that I did. I wanted to know everything about her life. Her childhood. Her teen years.
I’d read the background check that Maddox shared with me. I knew that she was a genius. She got that from her father. She’d graduated with a double masters from MIT at nineteen.
As proud of her as I was, there was another part of me that wondered if she might judge me harsher because of how she clearly had her shit together at that age. I was only two years younger when I gave her up.
Not that I’d had much of a choice. Or any choice at all. At least, at the time I didn’t think I did. Looking back, I should have called Nonna. I’d just been so scared. I’d always told myself that I’d been scared of what my dad would have done if I had, and that was partly true. But now I knew that I was also scared of disappointing Nonna. She was the only adult in my life that loved me.
Maddox told me that he had already explained the circumstances surrounding Lina’s birth to her. He said she didn’t have any animosity or anger or abandonment issues. He said that she loved her adoptive parents and was grateful for her life.
As happy as I was to know that the tiny baby girl the nurses had taken away from me before I could even hold her was okay, was better than okay, I still wished things were different.
“Can I get you anything while you wait?” Carson the server with a mullet and handlebar mustache asked for the third time.
He had to be in his early twenties yet struck me as someone so confident who knew exactly who he was. I was still trying to figure it out in my mid-thirties.
“No. The water’s fine. Thanks.”
A vodka water sounded like just the thing to take the edge off, but I didn’t want any part of this to be dulled. I needed to be totally present. I just hoped being totally present wouldn’t lead to a panic attack. It was a fine line to walk.
My foot tapped on the hardwood floor as I waited for my daughter to arrive.My daughter. For so long I’d done everything I could to suppress the memory of having her. I worked so hard to block out her existence. I actively forced myself not to wonder about where she was, how she was doing, what her life was like. But no matter what I did, my mind still demanded those answers. Those questions haunted me. They didn’t let me rest.
Now I had the answers and more. I was actually going to meet her face to face. I was going to know what her voice sounded like. What her mannerisms were like.
