Page 35 of Clueless
I nodded.“Yeah, one was senior year in high school, one was in college, and the other was Brandon.”
“Huh.”He sank back against the cushions, breaking contact.“Then why the hell would you want to sleep with me?It wasn’t just an impulsive decision that you felt you had to go through with because?—”
“No!”I wasn’t even sure I could make sense of it myself.“I’ve just never been drawn to a man like that before.The way you looked at me… I knew you could make me feel incredible.I wanted to know how you kissed, how you tasted, how you’d sound when you ca?—”
He cut me off with a lingering kiss before finally looking into my eyes.“I’ve never felt like this either, Grace.It’s wild.When I’m not with you, I’m thinking about you.Wanting you.Fantasizing about you.That’s never happened to me before.”
I loved that he thought about me when we weren’t together.But was it all about the sex for him, or was there more?When I thought about him, I imagined how we could fit into each other’s worlds.I imagined date nights.Concerts.Movies.Vacations.All the things real couples do.But if he only thought about all the things he’d like to do to me between the sheets, we were in real trouble.
He traced the line between my eyebrows with his fingertip.“You’re frowning.What’s that about?”
I didn’t want to come on too strong, ask for too much of him too soon, but I couldn’t help leading with my heart.It’s who I was.“Um, you said you fantasize about me.Does that mean all your thoughts of me are sexual?”
“What?No!”He leaned back, tipping my chin with his fingertip so we were making eye contact.“How can you even ask me that?”
I took his hands, trying to find the right words.In my line of work, I overthought every word, and it was a hard habit to break in my personal relationships.
“I just need to know that we’re on the same page.I know we agreed to spend more time together, and that we wouldn’t be sleeping with other people, but, um, you said you don’t do real relationships.”Before he could interject, I raised my hand.“And I totally respect that.Some people need to be self-aware enough to admit that relationships aren’t for them, before they drag innocent people into their mess.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?You think I’m a mess who can’t ‘do’ a relationship?”he asked, making an air quote around the word.
“No, that’s not what I meant.”Ugh, for someone who made her living making people feel comfortable enough to open up, while asking the right questions, and directing conversations, I was making a mess of this one.
He was still frowning when he asked, “Then what did you mean?”
I smoothed my damp palm over the flowy skirt of my dress, trying to calm my racing heart.I didn’t want this to escalate or turn into another fight.I wanted to try and figure out how to make things work with this sexy, infuriating, insecure, talented man, who clearly had a short fuse and a big heart.He was a conundrum and I wanted to sort all the pieces and help him put them together.
“Sometimes people say things they don’t mean.Or they mean exactly what they say, but people only hear what they want to.”
He curled his hand on his forehead, rubbing his temples with his thumb and forefinger.“Girl, will you please stop talking in riddles.”
He was right, I did that sometimes.“You told me you’re not good at relationships.Fair enough.But are you at least willing to try?Or is this not… a relationship to you?”I gestured to him.“What we’re doing.Does it still fall under casual sex or?—”
“Jesus, Grace.Do you have to overthink everything?It must be exhausting to be inside your head.”
He had no idea how draining it was, but I assumed most therapists were like me.My best friend was, and my personal therapist had been too.Being analytical, trying to dissect thoughts and feelings, and solve problems, was part of the job description, and I didn’t know how to turn that off.
“I’ve been told being with me is hard,” I admitted.“That I’m a lot.And I know you’ve already got a lot going on in your life, trying to launch a new career and make contact with your daughter.So, starting something up with me would probably be more than you could handle.”
“What are you doing?”he asked, scowling.
“What?”
“Why the hell are you throwing up all these roadblocks?Putting words in my mouth?Trying to shut us down before we’ve even had a chance to see where this could go?”
I wasn’t doing that, was I?“I’m just trying to give you an out, in case?—”
“I don’t want an out.”He waited for that to sink in.“And I’m not ready for a girlfriend.”
Ouch.“Okay.”
“I don’t even really know you yet, and you don’t know me.But that’s what this is about, right?Getting to know each other, seeing if this could work?”
“And having sex while we figure things out?”I didn’t know why, but that stuck in my craw.
“What’s wrong with that?You don’t want to have sex with me?”
I hadn’t expected the evening to take this turn, but I blamed myself.I’d gone places I had no intention of going, knowing that it was too soon to start pressing him with questions he couldn’t answer.And now I just needed time alone.To process.
