Page 65 of Clueless
“I hope that won’t be a problem?”
“No, it’s not a conflict of interest or anything.I just didn’t realize I’d be meeting with you today, so it kind of caught me off guard.”
“Grace is part of the reason I’m here,” I admitted, taking a seat in one of the two armchairs he gestured to.“I’m, uh, having a hard time with the break-up.”
He sat down across from me and opened a leather-bound notepad.“Okay, why don’t we start there.”
I swallowed, knowing I would have to dig deep to find words that would do it justice.But since words were my bread and butter, I trusted the right ones would come to me.
“I didn’t expect her.”Remembering the night we met was gut-wrenching, but I forced myself to relive it.“I mean, I never expected to meet anyone like her, and if I did, I sure as hell didn’t expect her to be interested in me.”
He crossed his legs, shifting his body towards me.“Why is that?”
“I guess the world is made up of two kinds of people, right?She’s one and I’m the other.”
“Hmm, so you don’t believe opposites attract?”
“I don’t know.Does it really matter?”I just wanted to get to the crux of what was bothering me, so maybe he could guide me towards some answers.
His smile was slight when he said, “We can circle back to that.Why don’t you tell me about your relationship with Grace and why you ended it.”
“I’ve never met anyone like her.She made me want to be a better man… for her.”I didn’t know if I was making any sense, but the way I felt about her didn’t make sense.It defied what I’d always considered love.“I wanted to be the man she saw in me, if that makes sense.”
He nodded.“And what do you think she saw in you?”
“Someone who hadn’t been through the shit I had.”I cleared my throat, realizing I should check the profanity.“Just a guy who was trying to fix his mistakes and make a better life for himself… and his daughter.”
“And you’re not that guy, the one Grace saw in you?”
I tried to be objective, to see my life as it had been since I was released from prison.“I guess, but she’s everything I never thought I deserved.”
“Is that why you broke up with her?Because you didn’t think you deserved her?”
That had probably been lurking in my subconscious, since I’d grappled with it so many times.“Maybe that was part of it, but the main reason was my daughter.I was in prison when she was born, and her mama didn’t want us to have a relationship, which I get.”
“You feel, because you were incarcerated, you didn’t deserve to know your daughter?”
“I didn’t.”
Jasper’s expression was neutral when he asked, “But you have a relationship with her now?”
“We’re working on it.”Most days it felt like we were taking more steps back than forward, but I was still committed to trying.“But she didn’t want there to be anyone else in the picture.She’d grown up with a lot of men in and out of her life, her mama’s boyfriends, and she’s tired of dealing with that.If we were going to build a relationship, she wanted it to be just the two of us, no one else to compete for my attention, I guess.”
“And how old is she?”
“Sixteen.”
He smiled.“Not an easy age, regardless of the family history.”
“That’s for sure.”I cringed when I thought about what I’d put my poor parents through at that age.It was a miracle they were still talking to me at all.
“So, your daughter gave you an ultimatum.And you chose your relationship with her over Grace, is that correct?”
I hated hearing it put like that because it didn’t feel like I had a choice.“I’ve always wanted a chance to be a father to her.I hated myself because I couldn’t be.So, for the past four years, since I got out of prison, I’ve been laying the foundation for this.Getting a steady job, buying and fixing up a little house, and trying to catch up on all the child support I’d missed when I was locked up.”
“And you didn’t have any romantic relationships during this time?”
I was a little embarrassed that I couldn’t even call them casual.“Just one-night stands with women who understood it could never be more.”
