Page 56 of Clueless
“So, what am I supposed to do, Codie?I can’t just give up on him.I’m already in too deep.”
“What does that mean?”
“I’m… in love with him.”My sister knew I wasn’t playing around.She’d only heard me make that claim two other times in my life, and I hadn’t said it in years.
“And he feels the same way?”
“Yeah, he does.”I pulled my legs up to my chest, resting my head against my bed’s upholstered headboard.“I’m the first to admit, he’s jealous, insecure, scared, angry at himself, but I’m all of those things too, for different reasons.”
“Why are you angry at yourself?”
“For falling in love with someone like Taz.Someone who’s so… lost.”I hated myself for admitting it, and wouldn’t have, to anyone other than my sister.But I knew how important it was to speak my truth and get this stuff out.“Don’t get me wrong, I think he’s starting to find himself, through his music and?—”
“You.”
“Pardon me?”
“He’s starting to find himself through you.”
She stated it so matter-of-factly, like it should have been obvious to me, but it wasn’t.
“Having a girlfriend like you, an attractive professional who’s got it together, allows him to distance himself from the incarcerated gangbanger and deadbeat dad he used to be.As long as he has you, he can see himself through your eyes, and project that image to the world.An image of himself he likes a hell of a lot better.”
I didn’t want that to be true, but my sister’s insight was usually spot on.I often trusted her to see things I couldn’t see, when I was too close to a situation to be objective.
“You think he’s using me?”My stomach pitched and roiled.God, I didn’t want that to be true.
“Not intentionally.But you know better than anyone, romantic relationships serve a purpose for all of us, sis.They can sometimes help to heal old wounds.Make us feel more secure.Give us the confidence to try new things and become better versions of ourselves.And I think Taz, without even realizing it, may be using his relationship with you to accomplish all of those things.”
“And you think once he does, once he has a relationship with his daughter again, and has all the confidence that comes with being a rich and famous musician, he’ll just cut me lose?”
“I can’t say that for sure, but you need to acknowledge it’s a possibility.”
She was right.It was more than a possibility.It was a probability, which meant I had to keep my guard up or risk being devastated when he left me.
I had a break at work, so I stopped by our favorite deli to pick up sandwiches for me and mama.I hadn’t visited her in a couple of weeks, and she’d called daily to make me feel guilty about being too busy for her.
I hadn’t told her about my relationship with Taz, but after my talk with Codie last night, I wasn’t even sure I should.I wouldn’t outright lie to her, if she asked whether I was seeing someone, but I wouldn’t volunteer it either.
“There’s my baby,” she said, wrapping me in her arms as she met me at the door.“I’ve missed you so much.”
I tried not to roll my eyes, but she didn’t make it easy.“Mama, we talk all the time.And it hasn’t been that long since I’ve seen you.”
She sniffed before closing the door.“Too long, if you ask me.Would it kill you to stop by for dinner once a week, just to make sure I’m still alive?Your sister is busy too, but she still stops by at least once a week.That’s all I ask.I’m not asking you to be here every day.”
My mother was the guilt-master, which was part of the reason I’d spent years in therapy.She could also be controlling and manipulative and I had to learn how to politely and lovingly shut her down, so she didn’t drive me crazy.
“That’s because Codie works right around the corner.I don’t, Mama.”
“But you live and work in the same city as me, for heaven’s sake.It’s not like you’re living on the other side of the world.”She led me into the small eat-in kitchen Codie and I renovated for her birthday last year.“My friend’s kids visit them?—”
“Mama, I’m here now.Can we please just enjoy our lunch without it turning into an argument?”I’d learned a long time ago that the best way to diffuse a situation with Mama, was to shut her down before she could go off on one of her tangents.
“Of course, I was just making conversation.”
About what a terrible daughter I am.Good talk, Mama.
I smiled sweetly, before setting the white deli bag on the table, along with my cell phone.“So, what’s on the agenda today?Bridge with the ladies?Book club?Bowling?”Mama had kept busy after retiring from her grocery store job, which thrilled Codie and I.It meant she had less time to meddle in our lives.
