Page 55 of Clueless
I laughed, but the amusement was short-lived when I realized that could have described my situation with Taz too.“Um, let me ask you something, but please don’t freak out or lecture me, okay?”
“Uh oh, when you lead with that, I know I’m not gonna like it.”
Why did my loved ones always feel the need to protect me?I’d proven myself to be smart, level-headed, and responsible.Yet my sister, Mama, brother-in-law, and now Taz felt the need to shelter me.
“So, you know I’m on the pill.But one night Taz and I kind of forgot to use a condom.”I closed my eyes, preparing for my big sister’s tirade, but when it didn’t come, I continued, “And we haven’t used one since.”
She heaved a sigh.“You’re a big girl.I don’t have to lecture you about safe sex.Have you guys at least talked about the ramifications?You haven’t been with Taz long and you don’t know a lot about his sexual history, I’m guessing.”
“He swears he’s used a condom with every other woman he’s ever been with, except his daughter’s mama, when he was nineteen.”
“And you believe him?”
“Yes.”My sister may think I’m naïve, but my gut told me Taz would never lie to me.If anything, he’d been painfully honest.
“Okay, but you don’t need me to tell you birth control pills aren’t one hundred percent, sis.Have you guys talked about what would happen if you got pregnant?”
I cringed.“Don’t even go there.Taz isn’t sure he ever wants to have kids… or get married.”My sister was silent so long, I thought I’d dropped the call.“Codie?”
“Yeah, I’m here.Just counting to ten, so I don’t say something stupid, and piss you off or make you defensive.”
Both my sister and I had been through years of therapy, so we knew all the tricks to diffuse a situation before it escalated.“I appreciate that, but it’s okay to let me have it.I can handle it.”
“If Taz feels that way, he needs to be a responsible man, and wrap it!He can’t think with his little head, only considering what feels good.He’s too damn old not to know the consequences of his actions.”
“Hey, it’s not all on him.It’s me too.If I’d freaked out after we forgot the first time, of course he would have continued to use them.”
I’d never been so protective of a man.Normally my sister could unleash on any man I’d dated in the past, or tell me the unvarnished truth about them, without me freaking out.But that wasn’t the case with Taz.I was too quick to jump to his defense.Maybe because I knew how much he beat up on himself, and didn’t want to hear anyone else piling on.
“If you say so.But how do you feel about him not wanting to get married or have kids?That’s always something you’ve wanted.And you’re willing to sacrifice that… for him?”
She made it sound ridiculous to sacrifice something so important for the man I loved, and maybe it was.Perhaps, if our relationship evolved and I agreed to just live with him, without marriage or kids, I would become bitter and resentful.But for now, I didn’t want to think too far ahead.I just wanted to enjoy being with him.
“I didn’t say that.We haven’t been together long enough to think that far into the future, sis.Although…”
“What?”
When I didn’t fill her in right away, she said, “Gracie, what are you not telling me?”
“He kind of asked me to move in with him.”
“Shut.Up!”
I knew she’d be as shocked as I was by his seemingly impulsive offer, but I wanted her take on it.“Yeah, I was just talking about my student loans, and wanting to save up money for a house, so I could get out of this apartment.And he said I should move in with him.That he was going to be on the road a lot, and wanted me with him when he wasn’t.”
“Hmm, I suspect it was more about wanting you there when he got home.And knowing where you were when he couldn’t be with you.Namely, in his bed.”
“You make him sound like a jealous, controlling, manipulative?—”
“I didn’t say that, kid.Don’t put words in my mouth.I like Taz a lot.We’ve become friends, and I really think he’s one of the good guys.”
“But?”
“But I don’t want to see you waste time with a guy who doesn’t want the same things you do.Taz does have issues.How could he not, given the life he’s lived, right?He was in prison for twelve years.In gangs.He has a daughter he’s never even met.That would do a number on anyone.”
“I know.”I just didn’t want to admit how broken Taz might be, especially since he didn’t seem willing to get help.
“Honey, we all have our issues.But we’ve put in the time and effort to work through them.If Taz just wants to gloss over them, pretend they never happened, or continue to beat himself up for them, that will eventually affect you and your relationship with him.I don’t have to tell you, of all people, that.You’re the professional.You know.”
