Page 41 of Payback
“In terms of a family… do I want one?” She knew the impact her response could have on their relationship and held her breathe as she said, “I do. But not right away.”
“Okay.”
“I need time to sort myself out.” Only recently had she begun to recognize how messed up she was. “I’m not proud of the fact that I let things that happen years ago determine whether or not I could have a happy, loving, trusting relationship with a man.” She didn’t expect him to get it. He hadn’t walked in her shoes.
“Hey, don’t beat yourself up. Any woman would have felt the same way in your position. You gave your trust to the wrong man. He abused it. It’s only natural you’d be fearful of making that same mistake again.”
“But that’s just it…” She hoped she could explain this in a way he’d understand, but she still wasn’t sure she’d made sense of it herself yet. “I trusted myself, not him. I trusted my own judgement when I let him in. So it wasn’t so much that he’d betrayed my trust that wrecked me. It was that I didn’t feel like I could trust myself anymore. I started second-guessing everything after that. Whether I should stay on at school, my major, my living arrangements, my friends. Nothing in my life made sense anymore.”
“You’d been through a traumatic event—”
“I’m still not sure things make sense.” She expected those words to jolt him and they did. “I built my life around the things I wanted before the attack, because I didn’t trust myself to make any major changes when I was still so vulnerable.”
“Baby,” he said, curling his hand around the back of her neck. “I can’t believe you didn’t go to your family with this. You know they would have been there for you.”
Her heart sank. “Please tell me you didn’t tell my brother about this. He can’t know. Not ever.” She knew her family would feel guilty they hadn’t been there for her, and angry with her for keeping them in the dark.
“I know.” He leaned in to whisper, “I would never betray your confidence. You don’t have to worry about that.”
She closed her eyes and felt the gentle pressure of his touch. He was rock solid. Reliable. The kind of man she could count on. She didn’t know how she knew that only that she did. And it felt wonderful to feel her faith being reborn.
“I know I don’t.” She wanted him to know that she believed him, that shetrustedhim. “You’re the only man who’s ever made me want to try.”
“Try what?” he asked, his lips curling in amusement.
“Try to have it all.” She’d long ago given up on the idea that was even possible, but with someone like Loran by her side nothing felt impossible. “A career. A family. The kind of love that lasts forever.”
“I want that so much.” His grip tightened as the air seeped through his lips in a hiss. “You have no idea.”
“But I meant what I said earlier. I need to figure out how to fix what’s broken inside of me before I can make any promises to you about the future. I’d never forgive myself if I disappointed you—”
“You’re too hard on yourself,” he said, leaning back to put some space between them. “No one expects you to be perfect at this. Least of all me.” He chuckled. “Don’t you know how clueless I am when it comes to this whole relationship thing? I’m no more experienced at it than you are.”
“But you seem so confident.” While she got anxious every time she thought about settling down with someone. Even someone as amazing as Loran. “Like you’ve got it all figured out.”
“Here’s what I know,” he said, looking somber. “I’ve been a lot of places, met a lot of women. But no one has had this kind of hold on me. I tried to forget about you. I told myself it was never gonna happen, that you were done with me. But I couldn’t let go. I kept hoping maybe we’d find a way back to each other someday.”
“I guess that day came sooner than you thought, huh?” Bella never ceased to be humbled by his feelings for her. When he first told her she’d felt overwhelmed. Terrified even. Now it felt amazing to hear him speak the truth.
“Not soon enough.” He smiled. “I don’t know what you need. I’m not even sure you do yet. Just know that whatever it is, whatever I can do to help, I will.”
There was no question in her mind about that as her lips met his. Her heart told her Loran was the man who could help piece her back together again, repair parts she didn’t even realize were still broken after so many years.
