Page 82 of Payback
“I’ve missed you too, baby. So much.”
“I had a lot of time to think though.” She pinched her lips together. “Even took some time off work to think, and journal, you know, just trying to process my thoughts.”
“Did it help?”
“It did. A lot.” She smiled. “I’m so grateful to Stella for that first journal she gave me. It really has changed my life.”
“She’d be happy to hear that.”
He’d been missing Stella something fierce the past few days. He knew his old friend would have some sage advice for him, on how to fix the mess he’d made with Bella. But she was gone and he didn’t want to burden his mother with his problems, so he’d suffered in silence. And, as Bella said, took time to think and process his own feelings. About himself, his father, their relationship, but mostly about the woman sitting next to him and how much he needed her in his life.
“People make mistakes, Loran.” She squeezed his hand. “And I know you made a mistake that night. You didn’t mean to hurt me—”
“I didn’t. I swear.” He’d take a bullet for this woman, or beat the shit out of anyone who tried to hurt her. He hoped she knew that, or that he’d have a chance to tell her, and show her, every day for the rest of their lives.
“We all say things we don’t mean sometimes, in the heat of the moment. I’ve been thinking about what I said to you and how it might have been misconstrued, especially given where your thoughts were taking you.”
“It’s not an excuse, I know—”
She leaned in, pressing her lips to his to silence him. “I know.” Her eyes locked with his. “It’s okay. I know.”
He felt like he could finally breathe. That didn’t feel like a good-bye kiss. It felt like the kiss of a woman who still wanted him. “You do?”
“Yeah.”
She glanced at a framed photo of them on the mantle. It was taken at a family gathering at her parents’ place and they were wrapped in each other’s arms. It was his favorite picture, because she looked so damn happy, like she couldn’t wipe the smile off her face if she tried.
“It hasn’t been an easy journey for us,” she said, chuckling. “That’s for damn sure. But it has been worth it.” She looked at him out of the corner of her eye. “I wouldn’t change a single thing. You know why?”
He shook his head, getting caught up in how beautiful she was. When they’d first met it was her outer beauty that bowled him over, but after getting to know her, it was her inner beauty that hooked him. For life.
“Because it made us stronger. As a couple, and each of us as people.”
He nodded, because he couldn’t find his words when she looked at him like that. Especially since he feared he’d never see that look again.
“I sorted out my mess over the attack. You sorted out your mess over your dad. And together we’ll deal with the miscarriage and how that affected us.”
He leaned in kissing her cheek. “I want you to have my babies, Bell. More than anything. Don’t ever doubt that. I’ve grieved for this baby, believe me. And I know you have too.”
She stroked his face, a sad smile tugging at her lips. “I have. I don’t know why it happened, but it did, and I have to accept that. But it did make me realize something.”
“What’s that?”
“I’m ready to be a mom.”
He couldn’t hold back his grin. “Really?”
“Really.” She smiled. “But it would probably be best if we waited until after the wedding. You know, because stress isn’t good for baby or mama.”
He hauled her in for a kiss, curling his hand around the back of her head as he released all of his anger and fear and self-loathing. He felt free. Free to start over. Free to love her the way she deserved… and to learn how to love himself, for the first time in a hell of a long time.
“I love you so much,” he said, against her lips.
“I love you too, Loran.”
He reached for the engagement ring on the coffee table, knowing he would never take a single thing for granted again, especially where Bella was concerned. “The first time you agreed to be my wife there was still this niggling fear in the back of my mind, like maybe I’d do something stupid and lose you, because I didn’t trust myself to be able to love you the way I needed to.”
“I love the way you love me,” she whispered. “Don’t ever doubt that.”
