Page 79 of Payback
“No.” He knew if she had there’d been extenuating circumstances, like alcohol and coercion involved. “But I thought maybe she’d had a few too many drinks on a business trip, or maybe someone slipped something in her drink and took advantage of her.” He shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know, Grace. All these crazy scenarios were going through my mind. Then when she told me about the pregnancy, I was still thinking about that, the fact that someone may have taken advantage of her and she’d been too afraid to tell me, so I just blurted it out, not thinking about the consequences.”
“What a mess,” Grace said, dropping her head.
“You’re tellin’ me. Question is, what do I do to fix it?” When Grace gave him a sympathetic look, his gut tightened all over again. “Don’t tell me it’s too late, that I can’t fix it. I’m not hearin’ that, Grace. I can’t.”
“I wish I could help, both of you, but I don’t see how I could. My loyalty lies with Bella, you know that, but I know you love her. I don’t think you’d intentionally hurt her this way.”
“I wouldn’t. I swear to you.” If only he could find a way to convince Bella of that.
“Problem is, aside from what you said, and how much it hurt her, she thinks you don’t trust her. And that’s something she can’t get past.”
Of course she would think that. In her position he’d think the same thing. But it wasn’t true. He’d trusted Bella with his life. And he knew the only way she’d ever go to bed with another man is if she was forced. Then… he’d have to seek retribution on her behalf. Because as long as there was breath in his body no one would ever hurt her, without paying the price.
Ironically, that’s what he was doing now. Paying the ultimate price for hurting her.
“Maybe I don’t deserve her,” he said, when that realization set in. “Maybe I never did.”
“You don’t really believe that, do you?” Grace asked, slack-jawed. “After all you two have been through?”
He thought back to the early days. The fight that almost ended them before they even started. That was the result of jealousy and insecurity too. Every problem in their relationship had one common denominator: his fear of losing her.
“I need to sit down.” He gestured to the family room in the back of the house. “You want a drink?”
“No thanks. My mother-in-law’s with the kids. I have to get home soon.”
Her mother-in-law was supposed to be his too, and the realization that may not happen now slayed him. He sank down on the sofa and tipped his head back.
“I asked you a question,” Grace said, sitting on the arm of the sofa across from him. “Do you honestly believe that you don’t deserve her?”
He stared straight ahead, trying to sort through his feelings. Why the hell did this keep coming back to haunt him? No matter how good his life was, he felt the need to punish himself, because…
He didn’t feel worthy? He was struggling with guilt? Over what?
Flashbacks taunted him. His childhood. Moments with his father. Their last phone call. The hatred he felt toward him for being greedy and selfish. The anguish over his death, when he realized he could have helped, but didn’t.
It all made sense now. He couldn’t accept the fact that he deserved Bella and her love because he’d never forgiven himself for letting his own father die alone and penniless. He feared Bella would wake up one day and realize she didn’t want to be married to a man who would make the choices he’d made. But that wasn’t fair. His father made the choice to leave. To cut all ties with their family. It wasn’t his fault that his father left, and as much as it pained him, it wasn’t his fault he died.
He could have made things easier for him, but his old man could have made things a hell of a lot easier for Loran too. They’d both made mistakes, and he had to forgive himself for the mistakes he’d made or he’d never believe he was worthy of a woman like Bella.
“What are you thinking?” Grace asked.
“I need to see her.” He had to share his epiphany with Bella and pray she understood. “Where is she?” He jumped up, grabbing his wallet, keys and phone off the coffee table. “At her office? At home?” Home was the house she shared with him, but he needed to convince her of that.
“I don’t know if she’s ready to see you just yet.”
Loran gripped Grace’s shoulders and bent to look her in the eye. “Listen to me, please. I’ve probably made one of the biggest mistakes a man can make, accusing the woman he loves of sleeping around, but I can’t fix this if I’m sitting here feeling sorry for myself while Bella’s heart is breaking.”
Grace nodded. “She got a call from the contractor on your site,” she said. “She was headed out there when I left.”
He leaned in, kissing her forehead. “Thanks, Grace. I won’t forget this.”
