Page 77 of Payback
Chapter Nineteen
Bella was at work the day after she broke off her engagement, and lost her baby, trying to pretend the walls weren’t closing in on her. Just twenty-four hours ago she’d been on top of the world, now she felt like she was buried in a hole so deep she might never crawl out.
“Hey,” Grace said, sticking her head through the half-open door. “Feel like a little company?” She held up a tray with a paper bag and coffee from their favorite bakery. “Apple danish.”
She’d never been so happy to see her best friend. Bella was driving herself crazy with her own thoughts. “Get in here.” She studied Grace, trying to read her expression. “You know?”
Grace set the tray down before walking around the desk and pulling Bella into her arms. “I am so sorry, honey. Loran told Ethan what happened after you left the wedding last night. I can’t even imagine what you must be going through.”
Bella absorbed Grace’s warmth. Ever since she’d left the wedding she’d been chilled to the bone and couldn’t get warm no matter how many layers she added. Not even the hot bath or heavy duvet helped. It was like ice had settled into her veins.
She held Bella at arm’s length. “Talk to me. Tell me what you’re thinking, how you’re feeling.”
“Honestly, I’m numb.” She didn’t know if Loran had the guts to tell Ethan the whole story or if Grace was referring to the miscarriage. “I can’t believe this is happening.”
“Come here,” Grace said, putting her arm around Bella’s shoulders and leading her towards the two-seater sofa in the corner of the room. “Sit down. I can’t believe you’re even here today. You should be at home resting.”
“Home,” she echoed, feeling a new sense of emptiness settle over her. Since their engagement, home had been the house she shared with Loran, but last night she’d gone back to her place. Thankfully the tenants she’d rented to didn’t move in for a few more weeks, so she had the place to herself until she figured out how to sort out the mess that was her life. “I’m not even sure where that is anymore, Grace. I thought home was anywhere Loran was, but—”
“After the horrible things he said to you, you’re not so sure?” She sighed. “I get that, believe me. If your brother had asked me that question when I announced I was pregnant with our baby I think I would have strangled him.”
“Then you do know the whole story.” Bella was surprised Loran had the guts to come clean with her brother. Maybe his conscience made him do it.
“Yeah, Loran told Ethan everything.” She passed Bella the paper bag and pushed the tray of coffees closer. “It doesn’t make sense. Loran knows how much you love him. How could he even think you’d do something like that?”
“I wish I knew.” Bella set the danish on a napkin to appease her friend, but she knew the delicious pastry would taste like sawdust. She’d hadn’t been able to eat anything since before her blow-out with Loran last night. “I guess it’s his old insecurities coming back to haunt him.” She pulled the plastic lid back and took a sip before wrapping her hands around the cup. “I thought we were past all that, but clearly I was wrong. He still doesn’t trust me, and if he doesn’t trust me now, he probably never will. And I can’t live like that, under a constant cloud of suspicion, when I’ve done nothing wrong.”
“I don’t blame you.” Grace squeezed her arm. “But honey, you really need to think about this. Loran is…” She bit her lip. “God Bell, he’s the love of your life. I’ve known you forever and you’ve never felt this way about anyone. You’ve never been happier than you’ve been with him either. Maybe you guys could work this out? Counselling or--”
“He accused me of sleeping with someone else, Grace.” It still felt like a punch to the gut every time she thought about it. “How do you get over something like that?”
“I’m not sure.” She bit her lip. “But I know couples who’ve moved past some pretty terrible things. Infidelity, secrets, lies…” She shook her head. “I’m not saying it would be easy. But maybe it would be worth it?”
Bella wanted to believe it was possible to salvage their relationship, but would going back to him make her a fool? He’d already proven he didn’t trust her, and hadn’t gotten past his issues, in spite of the strong foundation they’d been building. How could she just overlook that?
“Would it be worth it?” She took a bite of her danish, knowing she needed to put something in her stomach. “Or would I just be setting myself up for a lot more heartache down the road? What if he never learns to trust me? What if his jealousy eats away at him and erodes our marriage? I travel a lot, so does he, and if there are kids involved…” She swallowed, trying to push the pain back down. “It would be so much worse.”
Grace closed her eyes. “I’m so sorry about the miscarriage, Bella. I know you guys weren’t planning to start a family yet, but still, it must have been a terrible blow.”
“It’s weird,” she said, still trying to process her feelings about the pregnancy. “Having a baby hadn’t even been on my radar. I mean, I knew we’d have kids eventually, but I didn’t think it would be this soon.”
“How did you find out you were pregnant?” Grace whispered, her expression pained. “Did you have any symptoms or—”
“I’d had a lot of lower back pain, which is unusual for me. I didn’t want to say anything to Loran because I didn’t want to worry him. My cycle wasn’t normal either. It was more like clotting and the cramping was a lot worse than it usually is. So I went to the doctor and he did a blood test. It confirmed the higher HcG levels, so I was, or had been pregnant but—”
“It’s okay,” Grace said, taking the coffee and putting her arm around Bella when she started crying. “I know how horrible it must have been, finding out like that.”
Bella covered her face with her hands, shaking her hand. “I was going to tell Loran as soon as I got home, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was still in shock, to be honest. I just wanted to curl up and go to sleep for a week. But I let him talk me into going to that wedding and…” Reliving that day was almost as painful as living it had been. “I looked at him across the room and realized I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I had to tell him what happened.”
“But you never expected the reaction you got,” Grace said, sighing. “God, I still can’t believe it. I can’t even imagine how you felt.”
“I don’t know what to do.” She shuddered and tried rubbing her arms to ward off the chill. “I know I ended it, but did I do the right thing?” She couldn’t imagine another alternative. It wasn’t only that he’d hurt her deeply with his question, but he’d acknowledged he didn’t trust her. And how could she marry a man who didn’t trust her? It didn’t seem possible.
“I think you did the only thing you could do under the circumstances. In that moment, you were acting out of anger and fear. Disappointment and sadness.” She frowned. “He was supposed to be there for you and he wasn’t.”
On the ride home in the Uber Bella realized that hurt almost as much as his accusation. He hadn’t even attempted to absorb her pain. He’d actually implied losing their baby may have been for the best, and she didn’t know how to process that.
Loran wasn’t cruel. He wasn’t insensitive. And she never could have believed he would have hurt her intentionally, but there was no way she could just excuse his abhorrent behaviour. No man, no matter how much she loved him, or how sorry he claimed to be, was going to turn her into a doormat.
