Page 63 of Payback
“No!” Damn. She’d heard it all. Now he had to figure out how to convince her they weren’t the problem. He was. “That’s not it.”
“Isn’t it?”
She looked so sad. It tore him up knowing that he’d hurt her. “It’ll get better,” he whispered. “Easier. With time. We’ll learn to trust each other, to trust in what we have. The fear, apprehension, it’ll go away and—”
“You’re apprehensive?” A tear slid down her cheek and she brushed it away with her fingertips. “Why didn’t you tell me that? Why’d you let me fall in love with you if you were having doubts?”
“Bell.” He grabbed her shoulders, trying to make her see the truth in his eyes. “Listen to me. I am not having doubts about us.” Except he was. Not about whether he wanted to be with her, but whether she would always want to be with him.
“You’re lying.” She narrowed her eyes. “To me and yourself. I can see it when you look at me.”
He dropped his arms and turned his back on her, reminding himself to breathe. This was shaping up to be one of the worst days of his life. He could not lose two people who were so important to him within days. He’d never survive that.
“You don’t understand.” He’d tried to suppress it but it kept bubbling up so he had to let it out. “I’ve played with guys who retired and lost it all. Their wives, kids, houses, money, all of it. Gone. They went from being on top of the world to having nothing. Some turned to alcohol, others drugs…” He shook his head, trying to ignore the images burned into his mind. Friends who were suicidal, trying to find one single reason to go on living.
“And you’re afraid that’s going to happen to you?”
“My father was a homeless alcoholic when he died. Is it such a stretch to think I could end up just like him?” He drew a deep breath. “Okay, maybe not homeless, but a drunk. After what happened in Vegas I hit the bottle. Hard. I almost lost my spot in the rotation. The Skip told me if I didn’t get my act together I was going down to the minors until I did.” He snapped his fingers. “Just like that everything I’d worked for almost slipped through my fingers. So don’t tell me it can’t happen. It can and it does.”
She stared at him, like she couldn’t process his rant. “And you believe it will.” Her voice was soft, raspy. “You believe you’ll retire and I won’t want you anymore.”
He bit down so hard on his lip he expected to taste blood. His hands were curled into fists and it felt like there was ice running through his veins.
“You can’t promise me you will.” He’d had friends whose wives promised they would never leave. But they did. “You don’t know what it’s like to live with a former athlete, a guy who’s lost his will to live because he can no longer do the one thing he’s loved since he was a kid.” He didn’t know why he was saying these things, why he was driving her further away, but he couldn’t help himself.
It was the reason he’d never let himself fall in love before. Because he’d seen too many of his friends and former teammates lose their families the same year they lost the game they loved.
“No, I don’t.” She looked up at him and he saw the anguish in her eyes. “Sounds to me like you’re letting your fear of something that may never happen get in the way of what we could have.” She held her hand up when he started to object. “Believe me, I get it. I did the same thing, remember? Let my fear get in the way.”
Why did they keep doing this, he wondered? Were they destined to keep hurting each other? “I’m trying to get a handle on this, Bella. Believe me, I am.” But he wasn’t doing a very good job of it, clearly.
“I know you are.” She reached for the banister and started to make her way back upstairs. “I just hope you can. For both our sakes.”
***
Loran woke up the next morning with the taste of bitterness, scotch and regret on his tongue as his talk with Bella came flooding back. It wasn’t even an argument. That might have been easier to deal with. What they had felt more like a resigned exchange. Like they both felt helpless to control their feelings or their fears.
He forced his eyes open and stared at the ceiling, wondering what he should do next. He couldn’t just send her flowers and apologize for the things he’d said. He hadn’t said anything he didn’t mean and she knew that.
His phone rang and he snatched it off the nightstand, praying it was her. He didn’t know what to say. He just wanted to talk to her.
Ethan. “Hey, E.” Maybe he’d talked to his sister and was calling to let him have it for being a dumbass and hurting her again. Loran wouldn’t blame him. “What’s up?”
“You feel like hittin’ the gym today?” He laughed. “I know we both have home gyms, but sometimes I go a little stir crazy at home, ya know? Need to get out.”
“Yeah, sure. Sounds good.” Loran wouldn’t mind working some of his frustrations out on the heavy bag. “You talked to Bella yet today?”
“No, I kind of thought she might be there with you. She’s not?”
“No, she went home last night.”
Ethan paused. “Everything okay between you two?”
Loran grabbed his forehead. Nothing was okay. It felt like everything was up for grabs. Again. “I wish I could say it was, but—”
“What the hell happened? You guys were so tight at my parent’s place.”
“She overheard me talking to my mom last night.” If anyone would understand his fears, Ethan would. He’d seen it too, former ball players losing it all, and fighting just to get through the day. “I was telling her that I was having a hard time believing me Bella would…”
