Page 21 of Sticks and Stones
“I wasn’t ready to be the man you needed me to be,” he said gently. “Not then. But maybe now—”
“You can’t build a future on maybes. We tried that once before, remember?”
She had every reason to be guarded with him. He’d already let her down numerous times before.
“I know I was a lousy boyfriend, but I really think I could do better this time.”
“I don’t want you to be my boyfriend,” she said, looking sullen. “I’m not twenty anymore. I need more than that.”
“I get that, but we have to start somewhere, right?”
“We already know each other better than we know anyone else on the planet,” she said, covering her face with her hands. “We shared our lives for fifteen years. How can we possibly go back to being what we were? It wasn’t enough for me then and it won’t be enough for me now.”
Her tone softened when she said, “Look, I don’t think you’re a bad guy. And I don’t resent you. Not anymore. I just think we’re different people who want different things out of life, and that’s okay. But we can’t continue trying to force something that was never meant to be.”
Never meant to be.Those words echoed in his ears, mocking him. He felt the opposite was true, that Gianna was the only part of his old life that had been real. “I used to wonder why the hell you craved quiet and solitude. I’d watch you retreat to our bedroom with a book and wonder what was wrong with you.”
Her lips tipped up. “I remember. I tried explaining to you that I was just an introvert. I needed my alone time.”
“Yeah, and you’d tell me these stories about how you grew up. The fun you used to have in a small town, and it all sounded boring as hell to me. I needed action and excitement the way most people need food and air.”
“I know.”
“But the past little while, I’ve been feeling unsettled, like maybe I don’t belong in that world anymore. I’ve started bailing early at parties, dodging invitations, even fans. I dress to blend in now, not to stand out. Instead of a stretch limo, I’d rather hop in my truck and—”
“Wait a second,” Gianna said, raising her hand. “Did I just hear you say you bought a truck? Like a pickup truck?”
He chuckled. “Well, it’s a Cadillac, but yeah. I just find it easier to blend in when you’re not riding around in a vehicle that makes you stand out.”
“Makes sense, I guess,” she said, reaching for her glass of wine.
“As a kid, I felt invisible.” He swallowed, remembering how painful those days had been. “I’d been told children weren’t to be seenorheard and I’d usually be banished to my room by my foster parents. They had one job: to keep me alive so they could collect the check.”
“I’m sorry, Gunnar,” she said, leaning over to cover his hand with hers. “That must have been awful.”
He’d made no secret about the way he grew up, but he’d never told anyone, not even Gianna, how it affected him. “I just wanted someone to notice me,” he said, staring out the window. “To see some value in me. To help me find something worthwhile in myself.”
“That’s when you turned to music?”
“Yeah, we had one of those stupid talent shows around seventh or eighth grade, and my buddies and I got up and did a cover of one of those eighties hair bands. Platinum Blonde or something, I think.” He smiled at the memory. “And I realized I had a pretty good voice.” Better than that, but he didn’t want to brag. She’d heard him sing. “But more importantly, I loved being up on that stage. Finally, people were noticing me. The more I played, the better I got and the more love I felt from the crowd. That became my drug of choice. I never needed anything else.”
“Why haven’t you ever told me any of this before?” she asked, resting her chin in her palm. “It makes so much sense to me now, helps me understand you in a way I never did before.”
“It’s not easy to be vulnerable, Gi. To admit how needy you are.” He leaned in, curling his hand around hers. “But I realized something when you left me. If you don’t tell someone how much you need them, they’ll never know.”
“That’s true,” she said, looking away when he licked his lips.
“So, I’m telling you now. I need you.” He watched her close her eyes and he was sure she was battling her feelings for him. “And another thing, Gi. I really do love you. I know I should have said it before. Hell, I should have told you every day we were together, but I wasn’t sure it would be enough.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I wasn’t sure I could ever love you the way you needed me to.” He tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “You loved me with your whole heart, right from the start. And I assumed that was because you’d been taught how to love. I never had. I was afraid I’d screw everything up. I was selfish and arrogant and…” He shook his head. “You deserved so much better. I wasn’t even sure I had the right to love you. You were too good, too pure, too damn perfect for the likes of me.”
“You’re wrong,” she whispered. “I’d never have fallen in love with you if I hadn’t seen the things you couldn’t see in yourself. I never would have had your baby. I sure as hell wouldn’t have had a second baby if I hadn’t seen with my own two eyes how much you loved our daughter. You’re a good man, Gunnar. But it’s not enough for me to tell you that. You have to believe it yourself.”
Everything she said made sense, but it wasn’t easy to hear. “Maybe I don’t need the adoration from fans anymore,” he said, mulling it over in his mind. “Maybe it’s enough to have family and friends who love me.” He knew the first step was learning to love himself, but he would need the help of the people who cared about him to accomplish that monumental task.
Her eyes softened as she stroked the stubble on his jaw. “No one has ever gotten to me the way you do.”
