Page 27 of Pursuing a Duke
Glancing over her shoulder, she smiled. “I will.” Her hand delicately pulled a book from a shelf. “I have always wanted to read this book.”
“Which one?”
“The Lady of the Lake, by Walter Scott.”
“Good choice. I’ve read it.”
“You have?” Her eyes lit up with surprise.
Chuckling, he took a seat on the settee without choosing a book. “Spending so much time at sea, the captain’s quarters always have a supply of books to read.”
She sat beside him, leaving a good amount of space between them, and he tried not to let it bother him. “I thought you would be on deck at all hours of the day and night perched up at the helm.”
“At times, yes. At other times, down below, going over maps and tide charts. When there are storms, that’s when all hell—excuse me—breaks out. But trust me, there were times at night when I was in my bed and couldn’t sleep when a book eased my lonely soul.”
“I never thought of that. Is reading how you dealt with the loneliness?” Her concern touched him.
“Spending weeks or months at sea is trying and lonely, but fulfilling as well, knowing the cargo in the hold represents money for the sailors to support their families.” He snorted. “And I’m not going to lie, it also feels good to be able to line my pockets, donate money to charity, and invest for my future wife and children. But to answer your question, yes, reading helped me.”
“What about not seeing your family for so long? That couldn’t have been easy.”
“In the beginning it was good to be away. To clear my head and get away from my failings. After my father and I mended our relationship, I did miss my family. As for my mother, I regret what I did to leave in the first place. I missed her and felt guilty for leaving under such damaging circumstances. I put a strain on my parents’ relationship that I never meant to. My mother was furious with my father for what he did and said. But I’m glad he threatened to disown me. Who knows what would have become of me otherwise? I could be long dead.”
He paused and swallowed the lump in his throat. “As for my sisters, they have been married for over ten years, and I haven’t seen them but a handful of times since then. I miss them, but they have made new families for themselves.”
She looked at him with such sadness in her eyes that his stomach tightened. “Please don’t mention your death. I can’t even think about what it would be like if you had died. I don’t think I would have survived losing you, too, after losing Aiden.”
Now he felt like a bloody arse for saying that. He hadn’t been thinking about it from her perspective. “I’m sorry to upset you. It wasn’t my intention.”
She reached for his hand and held it. “I know. Ever since Aiden’s death, I’ve been afraid for everyone close to me. Deep down inside, it always felt as though I must have done something wrong for Aiden to be taken from me. And I continue to believe it, though I know I shouldn’t, thinking at any moment someone else I love will die.” Her hand released his, and she wiped the tears from her cheeks. “I hate that I’m crying.”
He moved close, placed an arm around her shoulder, and held her. “It’s my fault you are crying. I should not have brought up death. Christ.” He ran his free hand through his hair. “I’m such an idiot. I seem to be asking for your forgiveness repeatedly lately.”
“No need. You can’t possibly know what’s going on in my head and how I’ve dealt with Aiden’s death. Sometimes I think I shouldn’t be so emotional six years later. But then, what do I know? Some people mourn for a lifetime.”
Every muscle in his body tensed up at hearing her words. Could it be that he was the only one in love? He felt sick. Was his mind playing tricks on him, thinking she’d responded favorably to his advances in the gazebo? No. No. That wasn’t right. She had responded to him, just as eager to be in his arms as he was to be in hers. Perhaps she lusted after him and nothing more.He needed to shut his mind off before it ruined their budding relationship.
“I need to say something that is long overdue.” He removed his arm from her shoulder, and took both her hands in his and looked directly into her beautiful but guarded eyes. “The night I visited you before I set sail from London with Langford, I spoke hurtful and hateful words to you.” He squeezed her hands as her eyes glistened with tears, and he fought back his own. “I accused you of making Aiden unhappy which contributed to his death.” His voice shook. “You made him the happiest man alive. I lashed out, wanting someone else to share my pain and guilt. I’m sorry and do not expect your forgiveness for what I’ve caused you with my intolerable behavior.”
She squeezed his hands as tears trickled down her rosy cheeks. “I forgive you. I always knew your words came out of your own grief.”
Pulling her into his arms, and cradling her close, his heart was a tad healed for her forgiveness. There was still much healing to do because there was so much more he needed to beg her forgiveness for. In time, he would confess all. Meanwhile, he would cherish every second he had with her from this moment on. No more wallowing in self-pity and making her sad. He would spend the rest of the house party catering to her every whim and need. Starting with the tea tray the servant had placed on the table only moments ago.
“May I pour?” he asked.
Laughter spilled out of her as she wiped away the last of her tears. “Do you even know how?”
Now, it was his time to laugh. “Contrary to what ladies might think, gentlemen know how to pour tea—at least this gentleman does. You forget I grew up with twin older sisters who insisted I join their tea parties when we were in the nursery.”
“I wish I had seen that,” she said, amusement shining in her eyes.
“No, you don’t. They would make me wear their dresses and call me Lady Andrea.” The sound of her laughter lightened his heart.
“Indeed I do. I wish I could have seen you as a cute little blond boy wearing a frilly pink dress and a bonnet on your head.”
“I never said I wore a bonnet.”
“A proper tea party is never complete without a bonnet.”
