Page 41 of Pursuing a Duke
Emmeline stared thoughtfully into her cup of tea. She was happy for Lilly and her marriage to Langford, but she did miss her terribly. She was always a breath of fresh air on the dullest of days. An uncomfortable silence descended on them, and she wondered when Andrew would take his leave.
“May I have a private word with you, Emmeline?” he finally asked.
Her mother rose from the settee, and Andrew did as well. “I will leave you two to speak.” As she exited, she left the door ajar just a crack.
“May I?” He indicated the settee with his hand.
She scooted over as far as she could to make room. He didn’t look pleased, but he sat down, respecting the space between them.
“I’m hoping we can discuss what happened and move forward.”
She was unprepared for this conversation, but now that it was forced upon her, perhaps it would ease the constant tightness in her chest. “That night in the garden when we overheard Caldwell and Lady Clarice talking,” she said softly, “it was as though it was the day Aiden died all over again. The painand anguish slammed into me. I never saw it coming. And your deceit wrecked me. It made me second-guess our friendship and our relationship. To be honest, I’m still struggling.”
He reached for her hand, and she let him hold it. She tried not to acknowledge how much she missed his touch and how the warmth from his large hand eased the coldness inside her body. Before she could pull away, he did. “Words cannot express how sorry I am for what pain I caused you. I should have told you everything the day of the accident. Why I didn’t, I can’t say—except I was trying to make Aiden’s death easier on you. And I know Langford and Caldwell felt the same.” He paused. “Though, believe it or not, we have never talked about what happened. I imagine that does not help anyone move forward. We were all devastated that day. You the most.”
“I’ve struggled with my own guilt from that day.”
Andrew looked at her in silent question.
“It’s a long story, but I’ll shorten it. I miscarried one week before the house party.”
His hand reached for hers again and gently squeezed.
“Aiden didn’t handle it well. He was angry and overindulging in spirits. We quarreled—something we seldom did. I blamed myself for insisting we attend the party even though I was still recovering physically from the loss. I wanted him to be with his close friends. I thought it would help him recover mentally. Except, if I hadn’t insisted we go, he would still be alive.”
“Emmeline, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.” The compassion in his voice touched her.
“No one did, except for my mother.”
“Is there anything I can do for you now? Is there anything you need from me?”
Love. I need your love.But it was not something she would ask for. She felt ashamed now for how she’d treated him, and she wouldn’t blame him if he never wanted to see her again.The cause of Aiden’s death was a combination of Aiden’s own recklessness, and racing inebriated.
Yes, Andrew had instigated the race and let Aiden ride his wicked horse, but he hadn’t intentionally planned on seeing Aiden dead. “No,” she finally said. She didn’t know why she was still holding on to her anger at Andrew. She’d never been indecisive before.
“If you need anything, anything at all, please send word.” His hand lightly touched her hair as he stood and took his leave, his sorrow only fueling hers.
No sooner had he exited than she curled up on her side, her face in her hands, and she broke down and cried.
*
“I’m sorry, Iforgot my hat... Emmeline!” Andrew gasped. Pushing the table aside in a panic, he knelt before her and gently stroked her hair and back. “Please don’t cry,” he murmured. “If I could take all your pain away, I would. Please. I hate to see you like this.” He moved to the settee and maneuvered her so he held her in his arms, her face buried against his chest.
Her body shook with deep sobs, and his heart ripped in two. He would do anything for her. Anything. He held her, his hands stroking her back while he murmured soothing words into her ear. Tears stung his eyes at the magnitude of her anguish, and when they trickled down his cheeks, he ignored them. They shared in their renewed grief for Aiden, and he would not choose to be anywhere else in the world but right here with her. No matter what she said or how many times she pushed him away, his love for her would never die, and he would spend eternity trying to prove to her that he was worthy of her even if he wasn’t.
“Emmeline, love,” he murmured as her sobs turned into hiccups, and then slowly, her breathing evened out, yet he still cradled her to him. “What can I do?”
“Just hold me.” She wrapped her arms around his waist and snuggled deeper into his chest. “I want the pain to go away. I’m tired of it.”
“Oh, my dear. What I wouldn’t do to take it all away.” Hearing her cry tore at his insides. Holding her close to him now, he realized how fragile she was. He had only seen her broken once before until today, and he’d hoped never to see her broken again. She deserved all the good that life had to offer. She had the biggest heart of anyone he knew. His hand ran through her silky tresses, hoping it comforted her. Time stood still as he soothed her until she disentangled herself from him. She walked over to the window, and he felt a deep chasm build between them.
“Forgive me for being such a watering pot.”
“There is nothing to forgive.” He forced himself to stay seated and not go to her, wrap her in his arms again, and hold her close to his heart. The need to go to her had his body quivering. The intensity of his emotions for her frightened him some days. And today was one of them. He had to remind himself she had broken down. She needed him to be strong, not the other way around. Even if truth be told, he was weak without her. He needed her like air to breathe. Like food for nourishment. Like the beating of a heart to survive.
“Still. Thank you for comforting me.”
Standing, he moved several steps forward but avoided getting too close. “Nothing you can say or do to me will change how I feel about you. I will always be here to comfort you if you so need. And even though I’m undeserving of you, I hope you will one day trust me again, so we can be together.”
“Why do you say you are underserving?”
He exhaled. “Because you are kind and generous. Thoughtful and compassionate. Loving to all who know you.” He paused, unable to think of how he might be worthy of her. “I’m moody, selfish, self-destructive, and I have many other bad qualities to name. I am entirely underserving of you.”
“You are wrong.” She still didn’t turn around, and his feet stayed stuck where they were, and his breathing labored. “You may have been those things once, but not anymore. When I see you, I see a kind, compassionate, and loving gentleman. You treat everyone from the lowest servants to young debutantes to the elderly matrons with kindness and respect. People admire you for what you have accomplished in your life. You have proven yourself worthy of any person’s respect.” She inhaled loudly. “I want to forgive you, be with you, but I need time.”
And there it was. Her words hit him in the chest, causing it to constrict in excruciating pain. His eyes narrowed on her, and everything else in the room faded to black. His eyes only saw what he so desperately craved and wanted. Instead of his heart pounding and his breathing increasing, everything slowed down to the point he didn’t think he still lived.
She hadn’t said there was no hope for them and he tried not to get too optimistic. All the secrets were out in the open, and something still kept them apart. Without saying goodbye, he turned on his heel, grabbed his hat off the chair, and inhaled deeply. He shuffled on heavy feet out of the drawing room, took his cape from Harrison, and left. He would do what he had done the past three years and bury himself in his work. He had work aplenty between Mayfair Imports and Exports and his ducal commitments to keep him busy.
