Page 57 of Loving an Earl
Lilly stood up and paced the room, the worn line from last night still evident in the rug. If only Henry were alive to give her counsel. Of course, she wouldn’t be in this predicament if he were alive. She didn’t want to disappoint Henry and fail to find what he wished for her. But the more she looked, the more she realized what a rare commodity marrying for love was.
She met very few married couples of thetonwho were in love. Many flirted outright in front of their spouse with little regard for their feelings, gentlemen and ladies alike. Had they no shame? Her insides screamed again. Would that be her future if she married Peter? She didn’t believe she could ever behave so, but would he?
Suddenly, the last thing she wanted to do was go out. Her only saving grace was that she would be with Emmeline and Blackstone.
A knock on her door startled her. “Enter.”
“Blackstone and Redford are downstairs. Are you ready?” Emmeline asked, looking splendid in a ballgown of robin’s-egg blue and silver.
Lilly picked up her reticule that matched her ballgown’s elegant shade of green. “I’m ready.”
“Are you feeling well? You seem out of sorts and pale.”
“Peter wants an answer to his marriage proposal tonight.” Lilly had confided to Emmeline and Aunt Vivian about Peter’s proposal at breakfast that morning.
“Please don’t let him force you into making a decision when you aren’t ready. Marriage is for life or until death takes one of you.” Emmeline reached out and squeezed her hand. “Make the decision on your time, not his.”
Lilly felt the knot in her stomach ease. “You are right. If he truly wants to marry me, he will have to wait. He told me he loves me, but I can’t say it back.”
“Do you love him?”
“I don’t, but I think perhaps I could in time. I like him well enough.”
“Tell me what you feel when he kisses you.”
“His kisses are nice.”
“Oh, Lilly, you know kisses with someone you love should not only be nice. They should be...” She paused and shook her head. “They should be more.”
“I know.” And she did know. She had kissed someone once who made her feel more than she wanted to. “We should go. We don’t want to keep the gentlemen waiting.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
The carriage rideto Vauxhall Gardens took time, as carriages clogged the streets in every direction. Lilly fingered her mother’s emerald necklace as she contemplated her life and future. The problem was that Peter wasn’t in it whenever she dreamed or daydreamed about her future.
On the surface, Peter would make a suitable husband. He’d never asked anything of her. He had odd-colored eyes that didn’t show emotion easily, but could she fault him for something he was born with? His kisses were pleasant enough, certainly not revolting. As for the marriage bed, now that she had experienced it with Langford, she wasn’t frightened and was sure she could muddle through.
Tears pooled in her eyes, and she willed them to go away. Her heart constricted quite painfully, and an empty feeling took over in the pit of her stomach. A future with Peter didn’t feel right. It didn’t matter how many good qualities he had; deep down inside her soul, she knew he wasn’t the man for her. If she accepted his proposal it wouldn’t be fair to either of them.
Her eyes fluttered closed and she heard Henry’s voice. “I want you to marry for love and have a family made from love.” She whispered in her mind,I will. Her eyes popped open and she knew she had the strength and courage to turn down Peter’s proposal.
She would refuse his proposal tonight after the ball—no need to ruin everyone’s night by doing it before. In the meantime, she would simply pretend all was fine with Peter and enjoy his company and the ball.
Lilly’s eyes scanned her outdoor surroundings as they finally alighted from the carriage. The place was positively beautiful, and no amount of money was spared by the duke and duchess to make it resemble a fairytale. The dance floor was set up outside in front of the three terraced building, the top resembling a crown. The orchestra played from the first terrace, and oil lamps illuminated the gardens and the perimeter of the fencing. Informal seating was scattered around for socializing or more intimate gatherings. Her heart pounded at the excitement of it all as they made their way to greet their hosts.
Lilly curtsied. “Your Graces. What a beautiful place to hold a ball.”
The duchess whispered, “My dear, please tell me how Langford is.”
Her heart dropped at hearing Langford’s name. “He is recovering nicely.”
“You and Mrs. Fitzpatrick must go dance and have a wonderful evening. I will see you both at my home on Wednesday.”
Lilly curtsied again, “Thank you, Your Grace.”
When they left their hosts, Peter asked Lilly to dance just as the first strings of a waltz played.
She placed her hand on his outreached arm, and they strolled to the dance floor, already overflowing with couples. It was not the first time she’d waltzed with Peter, but she would have preferred not to be this close to him since she decided to turn down his marriage proposal. His hand on her waist felt wrong, and her hand holding his was awkward. But knowing people were watching, she smiled and looked at him, pretending to be having a good time and enjoying his company.
