Page 87 of Before the Bond
The bed was a moderate queen-sized bed with matching beige blankets and pillowcases. The towels sat on top of it. I remembered how Maureen would place towels on the reading chair instead. I shut that down.
I dropped my bags near the door and didn’t bother to unzip them.
The bathroom light flickered once when I turned it on before finally settling on a gaunt white light. The curtain over thewindow didn’t quite close all the way and let in a thin strip of parking lot light that cut across the floor like something left over from another guest’s problem.
Every shadow pulled my shoulders tighter. I tried to remind myself that there were no wolves here.
Once I was finally “settled in”, I sat down on the bed.
New place, same routine, I thought.
I sat on the edge of the mattress and tried to think. The thing about numbness was that it worked. I could process things from a distance without feeling any more hurt.
I tried to run through my head everything that I knew now about Northern California. I thought about how the animals moved so fast, I couldn’t identify what they were. I remembered my parents getting in front of me so I could run ahead of them.
I started counting what could’ve changed it. If I didn’t go up to chase that hawk, Caleb wouldn’t have seen me. If I didn’t make a sprint for the car, the wolves would have focused on me and spared my parents.
It wasn’t random. It was all because of me and my bond to Caleb.
I pressed my hands flat against my thighs. Tears came again. I cried quietly, letting the tears roll down my face as the rest of me dropped into the bed sideways.
Despite myself, I wondered how Caleb felt about my decision to leave.
“You’re free.”
There was no resentment in his voice at the time. And I was too shellshocked to register the somber, distant tone as possible sadness.
Everything there came back. Every intimate conversation. Every laugh. The small routines and rituals I established while I was there. Taking care of Jake. Stella and Donovan. The fireplace…
They probably all knew. It explained why, even after the night of the attack, things didn’t become fully open to me. I didn’t resent them. But it didn’t make the pain in my chest hurt any less.
I have nothing…It was the first time I truly acknowledged that. I used to be proud of that. But now, it was truly sinking in that the last seven years had nothing in them.
And now that there was something I cared about, even just briefly… It was taken away from me once again.
Angry sunlight slipped through the blinds and spread across my ceiling.
I don’t know when I fell asleep. I didn’t really care, either. Every part of me was sore; no doubt a repercussion of the overnight drive I made.
I tried to drag myself out of bed, but my arms felt like molasses. I closed my eyes again. When they opened, the sunlight was still there, but now more even.
I parted my lips to find them sticking together. I hadn't eaten or drunk anything, I realized. The nurse inside me kicked in.
I pushed myself up from the bed a second time. The blood from my head rushed downward and I wobbled.
After steadying myself, I grabbed the water. Nausea hit me, and I regretted it immediately.
I could make my way to the diner near the gas station and grab a quick bite to eat. I had no intention of staying there, or I would end up replaying the conversation with Elias in my head again.
Before anything else, though, I pulled up my phone.
There were several missed calls from the night before. I refused to look at the names, but I had a strong feeling it was Stella
After swiping the notifications away, I opened the agency site.
I would have to explain to Daisy why the current assignment didn’t work out. She wasn’t going to be pleased, but she would set me up again if I could transition fast enough.
A couple of months ago, taking on a new position usually excited me. I got to see a new place, brush up my expertise on necessary skills, and figure out if the place had a nice view. They excited me because I knew they would be fleeting, in the same way I knew that if I didn't like it, it would be over soon enough.
