Page 95 of Crowned In Blood
Her voice grew softer. "Do you believe you deserve to be loved, wanted? Cherished? That you have worth exactly as you are, not for everything you think you have to do or who you have to be for everyone else?"
I bit the inside of my lip hard. It was the only way to distract myself from the turbulent, overwhelming feelings choking me. If I didn't, if I let them out now, I'd sob like a little baby.
This woman could only be a few years older than me, and yet, the amount of wisdom she had was insurmountable. I couldn't imagine ever being like her. "Are you… do you believe those things now?"
Her smile turned slightly sad. "Most days. Some days, like today, the world still feels like it's falling apart, but it's not as severe as it once was." She interlaced her fingers. "It can be something small, like my children crying, and no matter what I do, I can't get them to stop or cheer them up. But the nightmares of what I've gone through have stopped. And I know that I'm not only a good wife, a good mother. A daughter, sister, and friend, but I'm also a good person to myself." Her eyes warmed. "Ibelievein myself, IknowI have worth, and that I deserve at least better than I've been through, and that'senough."
I nodded. I'd never thought or tried to grasp any of that for myself. To me, living just meant being free. I'd never thought about love to others or to myself. I wasn't even sure I knew what that looked like.
I believed in myself to overcome anything I needed to, but that was simply because I wouldn't quit. And that wasn't what it sounded like for her, like having trust and faith in myself.
"How did you get there?"
"Estelle, a loving man that I get to call my husband, my children, and friends who have become my family."
Could I ever have that?
Yes, I was here to meet with Estelle, and I knew I cared about Marco just as he cared about me. But could he be my husband one day? Could we have children and dedicate ourselves to one another in such a permanent way?
That future scared me, knowing how much it would hurt if it never happened. If Marco disappeared from my life, he'd take my heart and happiness with him. I'd never be whole again.
I'd given him so much of me, far more than I'd realized, and I trusted him to hold those parts of me in his hands. But marriage, a family? Was that life really in the cards for me? Could that really happen one day? Could I even be a good mother when I'd never had an example of one?
"I don't know if I could ever have that. I'm scared to even fantasize about it. I don't even have any friends." I hung my head and whispered, "I'm not even sure what friendship looks like.”
"You do now."
My gaze snapped to hers, and she smiled.
"My name is Johanna, but my friends call me Jo, and if you'd like, I'd love to be friends with you."
"I-I don't think… I'm not sure I'd be a good friend. I don't know how to be one."
Her smile grew, and her face softened. "You don'tneedto be anything else than who youare. Let me have the honor of getting to know that person. That's more than enough for me."
I wanted to tell her no, that it would be better if she stayed far away from me.
But then she pulled a card from her purse. "My husband's here to get me. Think it over, and if you decide you'd like to try, this has my personal cell number and email on it."
She got up, waved goodbye, and left. And even though there were a million reasons I shouldn't have, I added her as a contact in my phone.
It had beenthree weeks since I started therapy, and I'd never had such a volatile hate-love relationship with anything in my life.
I cried more than I ever thought possible and felt as though I was constantly coming apart at the seams, which was exactly what Estelle thought I needed.
She had a lot of concerns regarding the frequency of what I had now learned were anxiety and panic attacks, especially since they had reached the stage of blacking out. She thought it was best for me to learn how to actually feel my emotions safely. So we met in her office once a week and I checked in with her over the phone twice a week.
Estelle didn't go easy on me. She asked questions and listened, probed when I was quiet, but gave me time to sort my thoughts. The woman was brilliant and a bit terrifying. It made me respect her.
Though difficult, her therapy sessions gave me a lot of answers. She explained I had PTSD, which gave me something to research. And what I found made me feel like there were others like me, like I wasn't so alienated from the rest of society.
It was one of the very reasons I’d succumbed and called Johanna. Because if Johanna had seen herself in me, and had grown into someone who could allow love, family, and relationships into her life, that meant one day I might be able to do the same.
We talked almost every day, from texts to phone calls. She had even introduced me to some of her friends and family members, Daniella and Mya. It had been good for me, really good.
But now, I needed to shift my focus.
The police had closed the investigation into the shooting, which meant it was finally time to get revenge against Felipe.
