Page 14 of Night Fall
His simple touch whisked her tension away so quickly, she had to bite her lip to keep it from quivering. Taking a shaky breath, she said, “I understand it is not only for human protection but for our own. I understand that myself, Gregori, and Lucas are not strong enough to defeat hordes of humans. We are too young as vampires, and while we could win against perhaps five or ten or fifteen humans together, we could not defend ourselves against the entire town. I understand, truly I do, but I wish at the very least that we could have been honest with one another.”
Another tremor swept through him. Erik pulled her closer, as if he hoped to use his body to stave off her concerns. “I have seen you sad and angry. I have seen your hate, yet I have never known how to fix it. Tell me how I can fix it. Whatever it is, I swear I will do it.”
Mya looked up at him, eyes blurry by tears she refused to let slip. “Be honest with me, for once. Let me see you, learn about you, understand you in all the ways I have yet to. I, in return, will be honest with you. Starting right now.”
She took a deep breath and let it out, squared her shoulders, and fought to keep her voice steady. “When those four men attacked me, my hatred overtook me. That was why it was so easy for me to succumb to my vampire nature. I wanted to hurt them. Not only because I was a vampire, but because I hated them just as I hated this world. That startled me. It scared me. I have never felt that way before, or perhaps I have always felt that way and I simply stowed the feeling away.”
Mya took another deep breath, and her hands grasped Erik’s broad shoulders. “But I cannot live my life that way. If I do, something will eventually happen again.”
Erik’s eyes burned into hers. “That will never happen. I will never let that happen to you again.”
“You do not know what the future holds. Rape occurs all the time, all across these countries. Women are raised to endure it, sold to their kings, to their emperors and their lords to pleasure them in whatever way they require whenever they require it. The only thing that has protected me from that fate has been your status. But after that happened…”
She trailed off and shook her head to clear her thoughts. “I understand that I can protect myself, but only if I know myself. I do not want to lose myself to hatred again. I have lost time, Erik. I have lost time with my family, time enjoying my life, time with … you. I wanted to kill those boys, Erik. I should be upset or disgusted at myself for that, and yet I feel nothing but pride. In that moment I was finally able to have the power to complete an action that was entirely my own.”
Erik pulled her head to his, bending to meet her midway and level his gaze with her own. His next words were said gently, carefully. “Those boys, their deaths were warranted. But it should have never been on you. It should have never gotten to this. You know that. Tell me you do.”
Mya nodded. “I do, but I still want to learn what you did. I want to learn how to defend myself. I wanted to kill them, and I hate that you were able to take their lives when I could not. That truth, that knowledge, has left a stain on my soul. Erik, how many women hurt this way? How many children are stolen from their homes? How entitled are the rich of this world allowed to be?” She squeezed his shoulders tightly, begging him to see her, to understand. “My soul craves vengeance, Erik. I need this taste of independence. Please, teach me how to fight.”
He shook his head, his voice tight as if pained. “Mya—”
She refused to hear him decline, instead deciding to push him harder. “I need you to teach me how to fight and how to work through this, because I will put all of us at risk if it ever happens again. I will lose control, Erik, we both know that. You have kept our vampire abilities and power a secret from me. I know you have done that for a good reason. I know I am not responsible. I know I am not reliable like my brother or a jovial entertainer like my cousin. I have far too much darkness in me for that. It is easy for me to be angry—”
“Because you have a reason to, fagr skjaldmær min! Do not belittle yourself.” Erik squeezed her, clutching at her back. “Your life is not as fair as ours. The life of a woman in these times is not easy. The troubles you face are terrible. You are allowed to feel the way you do, and I would be surprised if you did not. I wish you could see that. I wish you were not so hard on yourself.”
Mya’s arms flew through the air, then slapped down at her sides as her anger burst out of her. “I am hard on myself because I do not understand where I belong! I do not understand my strengths or my weaknesses. I do not understand any of it. You have given me preferential treatment for … whatever reason you have, but that is no longer enough, Erik. Show me how to fight as you showed my brother and cousin, or I will learn how to do it myself, but I guarantee I will make a mistake without you.”
A tic started in his jaw, and he averted his eyes from hers.
Mya lowered her voice, begging, pleading, all anger gone. “I want to be better than this. I am so tired of feeling weak and not good enough. I believe that if I can at least find a way to gather strength, to explore my anger in a healthy environment with someone that I trust”—she cupped his chin and his gaze met hers—“I will feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable, to be better, more alive, more appreciative. I do not just want to be angry like this world is angry, Erik.”
He sighed and hugged her to him once more. “Mya, I will always do anything that you ask me, whether I should or not.”
“Thank you,” she murmured into his chest.
For a while they stayed that way, holding and swaying against one another until Erik whispered, “Tell me what else you thought of.”
Mya felt Erik’s body tighten against her own as if he was preparing himself for some sort of battle. She bit her lip. “Am I right to assume that you only kissed me as a distraction against my vampire nature?” she asked quietly.
Erik remained silent, and that silence ate away at Mya’s heart. She could feel it pounding against her body, blood roaring and pumping furiously through her veins.
“Tell me, please,” she begged. “I cannot continue to just stand here wondering—”
“It is not the only reason.”
His confession was quiet, and yet it seemed to echo in her ears.
“Then why did you kiss me?”
“Do not make me have this conversation with you, Mya.”
“We have to!”
“Mya.”
His tone made her stop, the absolute dread and fear within it making her abandon everything, even breathing. In all the years she had known Erik, she had never once heard him sound afraid. He took a worried breath, one that she mimicked.
“I worry that if I tell you why, you will never look at me the same way again,” he said finally.
