Page 142 of Iced Up Love: Part Two
My hand comes up to cradle the back of her head, pressing her gently into my chest, my face dropping into her hair as I breathe her in, and that’s when it hits fully, when everything I’ve been holding back finally breaks through without anything left to stop it.
“I’m sorry.”
The words come out raw.
Unsteady.
“I’m so fucking sorry, angel.”
My chest tightens, my grip shifting slightly, not enough to hurt her, never to hurt her, but enough to feel her, to keep her close.
“I didn’t keep you safe,” I whisper, the words breaking apart as they leave me, emotion catching on every single one. “I was supposed to protect you. That’s what I do. That’s what I promised, and I didn’t... I didn’t. I should have been there, I should have been there, I should have—”
My voice fails.
I force it back.
“I let him take you,” I continue, the guilt settling heavier with every word. “I let him touch you. I let him hurt you. I wasn’t there when you needed me, and you were alone and I... I should have been there, I should have been there, I should have been there!”
My breathing breaks, my body starting to shake with it.
“I’m sorry,” I repeat, over and over, the words tumbling out now, uncontrolled. “I’m so sorry. I should have been there. I should have stopped it. I should have kept you safe. You trusted me to do that and I failed you, I failed you, I failed you.”
The admission lands deep.
It doesn’t leave.
My hand slides down slowly, trembling, coming to rest over her stomach, and the moment I make that connection, the knowledge of what’s there, what I didn’t know, what I didn’t protect, it breaks something open in me completely.
“I didn’t protect you,” I whisper again, softer now, more broken, my voice barely holding together. “I didn’t protect either of you, I didn’t even know and I still should have, I still should have kept you safe anyway, I should have—”
My throat tightens painfully.
“We were supposed to have this,” I continue, the words uneven, emotional, spilling out without control. “You were supposed to tell me. We were supposed to find out together. I was supposed to be there for that, not... not like this, not in a hospital with you, I should have known, I should have seen something, I should have—”
My voice cracks completely.
“I’m sorry,” I repeat, pressing my hand more firmly, protectively, over her stomach. “I’m so sorry I didn’t protect our baby. I should have protected both of you!”
Tears fall freely now, soaking into her hair, my grip tightening slightly as I pull her closer, desperate in a way I can’t control.
“If you come back to me,” I whisper, the words urgent now, almost frantic, like I’m trying to make a promise that will pull her back, “nothing will ever touch you again. Do you hear me? Nothing. I will destroy anything before it ever reaches you. I will not let this happen again, I don’t care what it takes, I don’t care what I have to become—”
My voice drops, rough, shaking.
“I won’t fail you again, I won’t, I won’t let myself fail you again.”
I press my forehead against her hair, my lips brushing against her temple again and again, like I can push the words into her, like I can make her hear me.
“I love you,” I breathe, the words constant now, repeated over and over. “I love you. I love you. I love you, please don’t leave me, don’t leave me, don’t—”
There is no stopping it.
No controlling it.
“You have too much to live for,” I whisper, my voice breaking again. “You don’t get to leave me. You don’t get to decide you’re done. I won’t let you go like that, I won’t!”
My chest tightens painfully.
