Page 64 of Savored Sins
“I didn’t really mean for it to happen. I mean—I guesskindof I did, but I wasn’t proud of it, and I told him to keep it a secret. Which is probably messed up, I don’t know. But we slept together, and it wasso good?—”
Lydia waves a hand at me. “You can skip the specifics.”
“Oh, shit. Yeah, sorry,” I say, blushing. I need to remember this is her almost brother-in-law. “I only bring that part up because it wascrazyhow, like, taken care of I felt… compared to how it was with Patrick. And anyway, I thought it would just be that—just sex. Like, good for me, right? Getting laid after such a long time of not feeling desired? But then it was… more than that.”
Lydia’s quiet a moment as she studies me, her expression soft. “Yeah? What was it?”
“I think…” Almost as soon as I start to speak, my voice trails off, the rest of the words caught in my throat. Because I know exactly what it was. I’m just not sure I can say it aloud—so Idance around it. “We hadfuntogether. Like, he made me feel alive again. You know?”
Lydia nods, swooping in to refill my cup. “That makes sense. He’s a lively dude.”
We sit there for a moment, drinking our wine. The waves crash below us, sending the occasional spray of mist our way, and the late afternoon sun warms our skin as it starts to sink toward the town at our backs. I’m feeling looser, lighter than I was before, but I know there’s more I need to say. I’m still so lost, and I don’t know how I got here.
“Zekewantedme,” I blurt out. “For so long I felt like I was undesirable, and then here comes this super fun, super hot dude—who everyone and their fucking grandma wants—and he wantsme. He pursuesme. And even after I slept with him, he didn’t go away. He wanted to hang out with me, spend time with me…
“We had so much fun together, Lyds. It was like somebody finallysawme, and even more than that, helped me seemyselfagain. I kind of forgot who I was before Patrick, you know? With Zeke, I can just… be my real self. And my real self was good enough.”
Lydia’s gazing out across the water, her legs still tucked up under her. When she speaks, she doesn’t turn to look at me, but she’s smiling softly. “You fell in love with him.”
“Yeah. I think I did.” It’s the first time I’ve acknowledged it, even to myself. “Somewhere along the way, I fell in love with him—and I have no clue where that leaves me now.”
“Well…” Lydia says, bringing her legs out from under her and shifting so we’re sitting side by side on the rock. “You said you could be yourself with him—that he likes your real self. Did that change?”
“No,” I admit. “I mean, I don’t think so. But I also don’t think I was seeing things clearly. You saw what happened today—he obviously doesn’t care enough about me to even bother to showup sober at my show. Heknewhow much that mattered to me, and now…”
I gesture helplessly. I still can’t believe he did that. That show I spent so many months putting together, put so much effort into planning—into making sure every single detail was just right… fell flat.
“Mm…”
“So whether or not he still ‘sees’ me feels kind of irrelevant. He’s just as irresponsible and immature as I thought he was—as everyone makes him out to be—and I deserve better than that. I was a goddamn idiot. I should’ve known better.”
“You do deserve better than that. He’s an asshole for what he did,” Lydia agrees. She stares out at the water, swinging her feet. Finally, she turns to me. “But Autumn—you know you’re one hundred percent enough, right? With or without Zeke to make you feel like it, your real self is already good enough, and you’re absolutely going to come through this one way or another.”
“I guess.”
“Nope. No guessing. Those are facts. I won’t try to tell you what to do about Zeke. That’s between the two of you. But keep your chin up, and don’t worry about what youshouldwant—or not want—okay? That’s all bullshit.”
I cast her a sideways glance because… is she saying what I think she’s saying? She looks at me and shrugs, but there’s still that same softness in her eyes that was there before. Part of me wants to grab her by the arms and shake her, beg her to tell me what to do.
But I know she won’t. Shecan’t.
It’s for me to figure out.
But right now, I need to forget about today. To shake myself loose from the pure, undiluted disappointment that washes through me every time I think about Zeke vomiting on thesidewalk this morning. He didn’t just ruin my show. He ruinedus.
Or maybe there neverwasan us. Maybe it was all in my stupid little desperate-to-be-loved head, a dumb story that some pitiful part of me made up to make myself feel better. I don’t know. And I don’t know if I’ll ever find out.
What I do know? I need more wine.
I reach over and grab the rosé from Lydia, tipping the bottle directly into my mouth. She shakes her head and laughs, then grabs it back from me and does the same.
And we sit like that for I don’t know how long, passing that wine back and forth between us, teasing and scoffing and giggling and swinging our legs until the sun melts into the horizon. Thank god for Lydia. We share that summer evening like only two girlfriends can.
thirty-two
ZEKE
Zeke: Autumn. I’m so sorry.
