Page 154 of The Blade in the Ashes
And the more I spoke, the more my illusions fell.
I didn’t need them anymore.
I hadneverneeded them with Nikolai. My magic breathed a sigh of relief as it relaxed in this place of safety that he had created for me. One by one, tiny pale scars began appearing across my skin. At first his attention flicked to them, but then he focused on my eyes once more.
The pad of his thumb brushed aside my tears, all while his other hand reached to take hold of mine. His gaze turned so intense that his eyes shone a brighter green than I’d ever seen them before—such a beautiful shade of green.
And finally, once the story had fully spilled out, once the pain of it all tore itself out of me and lingered in the space between us, I released one ultimate shudder of pure relief.
“That’s why I pushed you away,” I confessed to him, feeling oddly tired after telling him all my ugly truths. “I already lost you once. Then I lost her. It was easier to reject you at first than risk any more of that pain. I won’t lose you again.”
Nikolai watched me, brow furrowed in thought as he absently reached over to knead my tense shoulder. But then, after a moment, he pulled away. I looked at him, trying to figure out his thoughts by just the look in his eyes alone. Waiting for his response was a new form of torture I hadn’t yet experienced.
When he averted his gaze from mine and swallowed tightly, the apple in his throat bobbing obviously, I felt every wall I’d torn down threaten to slam back into place.
Maybe I had been wrong.
Nikolai wasn’t the kind of person who could accept every part of me. Now that he truly knew me, he didn’t want me.
I set to work covering those tiny scars with my magic once more.
“Iris,” his voice wavered as he kept his gaze locked on the fire in the hearth. “I understand. I understand why you couldn’t allow yourself to be with me.”
He shifted away. It was a small movement, but it felt like an earthquake rattling through me.
“But you deserve to find that kind of joy again.” Nikolai shifted forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “You deserve to love and be loved. I want you to allow yourself that, even if it’s not with me.”
I froze, his words replaying in a loop in my head.
Even if it’s not with me.
I understand why you couldn’t allow yourself to be with me.
I want you to allow yourself that, even if it’s not with me.
My scars burst to life once more.
Reaching forward, I brushed his long hair back so that I could see his face, even as he kept it turned from me.
“After everything I’ve told you, after these past few weeks, you still think that I’m notwillingto love you again?”
His jaw worked. His body was stiff under my touch. “It’s okay, bird. I understand your reasoning.”
A tiny sound escaped me, part scoff and part disbelieving laughter. He glanced over his shoulder at me, a frown on his face and pain in his eyes visible before he quickly turned away again.
“You don’t, though.” I shook my head at him. “You don’t understand at all.”
Without another word, I gently pushed on his shoulder, forcing him to lean back on the couch so that I could throw a leg over him and straddle him. Careful of his lingering injury, I held my weight as I took his face in my hands and forced him to meet my gaze.
His breath hitched under me, hands coming to rest gently on my hips, “Iris—”
“When I say I won’t lose you again, Nikolai, it’s not because I intend to turn you away. I say it because ifyouintend to leave me, then I will follow you. Even if that means following you to the Underworld. I am going to allow myself to find joy again because you showed me I can. I can find that joy with you.”
Words tumbled out of my mouth. Simple phrases that felt like life-changing declarations.
I paused, needing to find my breath and courage.
“If you’ll have me.”
