Page 153 of The Blade in the Ashes
His words hit me like a rush of cold water, leaving my chest constricting tightly.
I knew we needed to leave—knew that the world waited for us, and that this little peace we’d found in this tiny home had been fleeting but having that respite now taken away felt crushing. I folded my book and set it aside, lifting myself into a proper sitting position.
“You’re sure you feel up to it?”
Part of me hoped he would lie.
His eyes scanned over me, tracing me from head to toe, and I could tell something was weighing on him, something more than just disappointment about this all ending.
“Come sit with me?”
Frowning, I did as I was told, moving to his side and allowing him to take my hand in his. He ran his thumb over the skin of my knuckles, avoiding my gaze as he did. It left me with an icy feeling of apprehension.
“Iris, for a moment there, you thought I was going to die.”
Protests rose easily to my mouth, all while I forced away the image of him bleeding out in front of me and ignored the ringing sound of his screams which still haunted my nightmares. “I did not—”
He squeezed my fingers. “You did, bird. And it scared you.”
My jaw snapped shut, and I swallowed over the rising lump in my throat. “Of course it scared me.”
What kind of heartless fool wouldn’t have been frightened by what he’d gone through?
Nikolai sighed, giving a sad sort of smile that made me avert my gaze. Gently, he gripped my chin with his thumb and forefinger, forcing my attention back to him. “It scared you deeply, Iris. You showed the kind of fear that comes from a different sort of pain.”
Damn him.
Damn him and his never-ending perceptiveness.
I used to think I was the most observant person in the kingdom. I used to think that my days in the Order had trained me better than anyone to notice those little quirks and tells.
But Nikolai had always beaten me at that game. He had always seen me far more clearly than anyone else ever would.
I locked my trembling fingers together in my lap, trying to avoid the images of Lorelai that flashed in vivid procession in my mind. Still, I couldn’t avoid them all.
I couldn’t stop the images of her and the love that I had lost, or of Thea and the friendship I had abandoned.
There were other memories that floated in too. Memories of the times Lorelai, Camilla, and I had all laughed together. If I were honest, not all the pain that lingered inside my soul was just for Lorelai and Thea. I hated Camilla for what she did, and yet I ached for the loss of someone who had been like a sister to me my entire life.
I grieved her as much as I grieved Lorelai.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” Nikolai assured me. “But I felt inclined to remind you that you could.”
There was no hiding the way my lips trembled—not quite able to let out all the agony that had been festering inside me. It was second nature to hide it all away. Whether I was hiding behind gowns or hiding behind anger, I’dspent years shutting my true self away from everyone. And it had worked because no one had ever even noticed.
Not until I met a man who seemed to recognize me no matter whose face I wore.
I stared at him, taking in each of his features and the deep sincerity in his gaze.
In the momentary quiet, I realized that she would have liked him a great deal. And that realization made it that much easier to let to story pour out of me.
“Her name was Lorelai.”
For a heartbeat, I expected to crack apart just by saying her name aloud.
But all I felt was relief.
A weight lifted off me the second I breathed life back into her name. I shuddered against the feeling, and once the first sentence clawed its way out of me, the others followed easily. The entire story poured effortlessly like water from a never-ending fountain. From the moment I returned to the castle after leaving him, to the very second he found me again in those woods. I opened myself to him in a way I had never revealed myself to anyone before.
