Page 151 of The Blade in the Ashes
I knew that—knew that if I didn’t immediately seal this hole, he was going to die. Still, the moment I pressed that searing blade onto his flesh, the contact making a terrible wet sizzle before his screams tore through the tiny house, I hated myself for it.
He passed out after I cauterized the wound.
And then he didn’t wake for a day.
I didn’t sleep for a second, though. I remained on that floor, staring up at him on the couch, monitoring the wound every so often and counting his breaths. Occasionally, I would wander to the well behind the house so that I could fill a bucket with cold water. Then I would press a damp rag against his feverish brow.
He trembled as I did.
Even though his skin was scalding hot to the touch, he trembled. I wasn’t sure I’d ever been so frightened in my life as I was staring at his pale, shaking body.
“You don’t get to die,” I told him as I pressed the rag against his hairline, tears falling freely from my face. “I won’t allow it. You hear me? I won’t lose you.”
I couldn’t.
I couldn’t lose him like I’d lost her.
More than that, though, I didn’t want it to be temporary. When he finally woke, I didn’t want him to open his eyes just for us to part ways once more.
Just when I pulled his head into my lap and felt myself slipping towards sleep against my wishes, he stirred, dark lashes fluttering rapidly before his eyes blinked up at me.
“Beautiful bird.” His voice was gravely. Too dry.
A shuddering breath escaped me, relief so pungent I could almost smell it in the air. Golden-flecked eyes met mine, and my fingers shook as I brushed them through his hair.
“You are so beautiful.”
“Hush,” I pressed that rag against his brow and down his neck. “Save your energy.”
“If these are to be my last moments in the realm, I want to spend them complimenting you.”
His words picked at that unhealed wound inside me, and I railed against them, a vicious frown forming across my face. “You will not die, Nikolai.”
He released a labored sigh, reaching up to knead my shoulder. “It’s okay, my bird. You’ll be okay.”
How could he say that to me? How could he eventhinkit?
I wouldn’t be okay. If I had to bury him—if I had to leave him here—while I moved on and my life continued, Iwouldn’tbe okay. No, Nikolai Legum didn’t get to decide that I was going to be okay without him just at the same time that I had finally decided I wanted him.
I needed him.
With salty tears running down my already stained cheeks, I set aside that damp rag and cupped his cheek. He leaned into the touch, closing his eyes briefly and breathing me in.
“You do not get to die,” I told him again, more forcefully this time. “I won’t lose you.I won’t.“
“Iris—”
Bending, I didn’t waste another second before I pressed my lips to his.
He stiffened at first, not expecting it, but eventually his mouth parted against me and he tangled his tongue with mine, a soft moan escaping his lips. I poured all of my anger, pain, and fear into that kiss. I poured all of my need into it. Our breaths mingled until there was only the two of us.
No war. No injury. Just this singular moment.
Just his head in my lap, his hand pressing against my shoulder to pull me closer, his eyes burning into mine as I pulled away.
“You are not temporary, Nikolai.”
There was relief in the declaration, and a sense of permanence that seemed to reverberate through us both.
