Page 64 of In Every Lifetime
“Sarah,” she prodded, “what aren’t you saying?”
Fai had always said Jackie had a knack for seeing into every recess of your soul, finding the pieces you wanted to hide. It seemed he was right.
I sighed and leaned back into the couch cushions. “Look… it’s really not a big deal…”
“Sarah,” she urged.
“We slept together, okay? Emotions were high, and neither of us was thinking clearly.”
Jackie stared at me with wide eyes, and I could see her holding back her anger. She hadn’t had the best upbringing—her parents never showed her the love she deserved—and it always affected her actions. In arguments, she didn’t yell. She didn’t fight. She knew the damage it could do firsthand, but she still felt things so deeply. Her words were sharp as she never censored herself, but she refused to be cruel. I watched her work on composing herself, trying to understand her own emotions.
I couldn’t blame her. Things with Fai… they were so complicated.
“Jackie,” Will whispered to her, reaching across the divide between the chairs. It must have stirred something in her, as she stood abruptly and walked out the front door. It closed behind her with a click.
“Is she still angry about Fai?” I asked Will.
He shook his head. “No, she’s just confused. She wants her friend back, but she doesn’t want to see you hurt. I think she is processing it all, trying to reconcile her anger over his actions, the hurt he caused, her love for him… and her love for you.”
“What do you think? About me and Fai?”
Will smiled. Most people wouldn’t recognize it as one, but the slight uplift of his lips and the sparkle in his eyes—I had seen that smile from him throughout our entire friendship. “I want you to be happy, and I trust you. If you want to try things again with him, I’ll support you fully. And if he hurts you again, I’ll slash his tires for the rest of time.”
A laugh spilled from my lips, though I knew he was being completely serious. I was grateful he would at least stop at slashing Fai’s tires. I motioned toward where Jackie had fled and followed my slightly emotionally constipated friend out thefront door. She was sitting on the front steps, her blonde hair reflecting the porch light. She turned when she heard me, her eyes wet with unshed tears.
“Hey,” I murmured, sitting next to her and wrapping my arm around her. “What’s got you so upset?”
She huffed a humorless laugh and rested her head on my shoulder. “You just spent a night in a cave after running away from a madman. My issues are not that important.”
I shook my head. “We don’t compare trauma. We support each other. Now tell me: why does this thing between Fai and me make you sad?”
She looked up, pursing her lips as she tried to hold back the tears. “I… I’ve missed him,” she whispered. “I’ve missed him so much, and I can’t reconcile that after everything, he could just get sober. This whole time… this heartbreak, this pain. It didn’t have to happen. Before… before, I could be angry. I could be angry because he relapsed. I could be angry because he caused so much pain.”
She ran her hands through her hair, the frustration radiating off her in waves. “You know… my life was falling apart and the bitch fired me. Do you remember that?”
I did. Vividly. It was when I first knew something was going on with Fai. I didn’t know he had relapsed, but I knew that after me, Jackie was the most important person to him. It was six years ago. Jackie was in the midst of a case at work, having just met Will, and was falling in love with him. She had confronted her parents and reconnected with her oldest brother, but she was also being harassed. While it had been resolved and the people who had hurt her were behind bars, in the midst of the chaos… Fai abandoned her.
He didn’t just abandon her; he pushed her away and all but spat in her face.
He had fired her, claiming she was putting herself and the journal at risk. We later found out it was a bald-faced lie to protect himself. He knew that she would find out about his drinking, so he pushed her away.
When she needed him, he refused to come.
“I didn’t listen. I still went to work, pretended like it never happened, and even then he didn’t talk to me. For years, he pushed me away. He was all I had for so long…”
“You have your siblings here now…” I interrupted.
She nodded in agreement. “Yeah… but they weren’t here at first. When I came here, when I met him and you, I had no one. I had nothing. He gave me a family—a support system. He helped me find my passion. He was…” She finally let a tear fall, the drop trailing softly down her cheek as it shone in the porch light. “I just don’t understand how he did it. How he could hurt us so easily.”
“And it makes you angry?”
She laughed again without humor. “That’s the thing… it doesn’t. It should! I should be furious. I should never forgive the dickface! But… I get it.”
I took her hand in mine, the two of us connected not just by touch, but as the two people Fai had hurt the most.
Besides himself.
She huffed a breath, her demeanor deflating along with it. “I remember how ridiculous my mindset was when I was in active addiction. It was volatile and completely nonsensical. But in those moments… all my choices felt necessary for my own survival. I can’t blame him. I should, but I can’t.”
