Page 40 of Gray Hair Don't Care
Lela quietly scanned his face like she was looking for clues. “What happened? That you weren’t able to be around when she was little?”
This wasn’t an enjoyable story to retell, but he wasn’t about to hide it from Lela. “Genevieve struggled after Echo was born. She had postpartum depression. Echo didn’t sleep a whole lot, and she had trouble nursing. We had no clue what we were doing, and we were living in my apartment in the city. My upstairs neighbor was constantly complaining about the baby crying. We were sleep-deprived and miserable. We needed help and we needed space, so we came up here.”
“To this house? To live with your mom?”
“It was our only real option. Genevieve’s parents were in England and that just wasn’t a leap we were ready to make. My mom seemed like the logical choice, but it was really hard. Even in this giant house. She was always offering unsolicited parenting advice, which really rubbed me the wrong way. She was not exactly the model parent.” The biggest guiding force during that time in Donovan’s life was that no matter what, he was not going to be like his dad. He was going to stick around, especially through the hard times. Unfortunately, every bit of criticism his mother launched at him felt like she was telling him he’d never be anything but exactly like his father. “So, yeah,” he continued. “It was hard. After Echo turned one, Genevieve said she’d had enough. We’d given my family a try and it wasn’t working out, so she wanted her turn. We moved to London to be near her parents. It was great for awhile, but the happier she became, the less she wanted me.”
“Oh. I didn’t know that.”
“She said she felt like I wasn’t present in our marriage. She asked for a divorce right before Echo turned three. I agreed, left England, and came back to the states. I didn’t really know what else to do. She didn’t want to be married to me and I wasn’t equipped to be a single parent. After that, I saw Echo maybe once or twice a year. It felt like I wasn’t her dad anymore. I became more like this guy she knew. That was heartbreaking.”
“I’m so sorry.”
Donovan hated that their conversation had become so heavy, but it did feel good to tell someone what had happened. “Thanks. It’s okay. I know it’s all water under the bridge, but it still bothers me.”
“Can I ask you a question? About when you and Genevieve got married?”
“Sure.”
“Echo told me about the timing. I had no idea Genevieve got pregnant when you were still in school. Why didn’t you tell me?”
Very little of that time was clear. In fact, the whole thing was a blur. But he knew at least some of the answer to the inquiry. “Because I thought you’d be disappointed in me.”
“Why would you think that? Have I ever struck you as a judgmental person? In the slightest?”
Confronted with that question, he had to think even more about why he hadn’t told her what was going on. It tore at his heart and his conscience in ways very few things did. “Truth?”
“Please.”
“I didn’t tell you because getting married to Genevieve was not what I wanted to do.”
“Oh.”
“And I was sure that you would be able to tell that I was just talking myself into doing it.” He turned and looked into her deep blue eyes, which were wide with surprise and at least a sliver of betrayal. “But I had to do it. I had to take responsibility. I wasn’t going to be like my dad.” He hadn’t admitted that aloud to anyone, ever.
“Wow.” She shook her head slowly, seeming stuck in disbelief. “It’s going to take me a while to wrap my head around this. I was sure you were so madly in love with Genevieve that you didn’t care about me anymore.”
So many details of his relationship with Lela broke his heart, but that was especially difficult to hear. “I always cared. Always. Even when I wasn’t around. Even when we didn’t talk. I was just wrapped up in what I felt like I had to do. And my ego wouldn’t allow me to go in a different direction. I know that now. I’m sorry you didn’t know.”
“While we’re dredging up the past, can I ask you one more question?”
He sighed. Whatever was coming, he deserved it. “Of course.”
“Three years ago. Why did you take off before I woke up?”
“I started to feel really anxious…” Donovan hadn’t told a soul about this, either. He knew what Echo would say—that he needed to go to a doctor. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see a physician. It was that he wasn’t ready to feel like an old man, and there was something about this that made him feel like exactly that. “I started worrying about what you might expect from me, and I started to have chest pains, and I didn’t want to wake you, so I left.”
Her expression turned to pure horror and she reached for his arm. That one touch—there was no way she understood what it did to him. “Donovan. Why didn’t you wake me up? That’s super serious. I could’ve taken you to the doctor. Are you okay?”
He frantically scanned the immediate area. “Will you lower your voice?” He looked back over his shoulder. Luckily, there was no one there. “I don’t want anyone to know about it. Okay?”
“It’s okay to be human. I know you probably very rarely feel like that, but it truly is okay.” She rubbed his elbow with her thumb, stirring up something inside him that he was desperate to tamp down. “What did the doctor say? I’m assuming you went straight to the hospital.”
“I didn’t go to a doctor. I took a cab to my hotel and eventually it went away.”
Lela stood up and planted her hands on her hips. “Donovan James. What in the hell is wrong with you? You can’t mess around with that. You could’ve died.”
He shrugged. “I went eventually. Like a year later…”
