Page 85 of Rome
I chuckled as Abby giggled, and I relished the sound. “I did tell her that there’s no fuckin’ way I’ll ever tell King or Jagger what I overheard. I won’t unburden myself at their expense. She agreed that as long as I talk about it in therapy, or with you, that will help.”
“You can always tell me what you’re feeling, Caleb. I guess I thought you knew that.”
I tipped her chin up again and dropped a kiss on the end of her nose, which caused her to wrinkle it. She looked fuckin’ adorable, and I had to resist the urge to kiss her freckles like I used to.
“I guess I thought you knew you could always tell me anything, too, baby girl. I wish you had. I would have gladly taken on that pain if it meant it didn’t fester away inside you all these years.”
“I wish I had told you, too. I just didn’t see the use in bringing up shit from before we were together. I didn’t really feel like I had a right to, and to be honest, I didn’t want to think about it, let alone talk about it. I didn’t want to hear you confirm what I already knew, so I just shoved it away in a little corner of my mind and tried to forget about it.”
“It didn’t stay in the corner though, did it?” I whispered. I kissed the top of her head before resting my cheek against it. “It erupted in a fiery ball of rage backed by a helluva lot of pain, and I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t see it for myself before then. Actually, that’s not right,” I confessed.
“I did see it, at least part of it. I’m sorry I didn’tacknowledgeit. I’m sorry I didn’t drag it out from that deep, dark corner into the light where we could deal with it. I’m sorry I didn’t man the fuck up and take responsibility for the shit I did back then.”
She looked up at me with her luscious lips twisted into a rueful smile. “I’m sorry I didn’t woman the fuck up and call you on it sooner.”
That startled a laugh out of me, and she chuckled.
“So, aside from finding my voice and talking about my feelings, transparency is another big way to help with my drinking. I’ve told the entire club, I’ve told Dax and Lacey, I even told the new guy, Diego. They will all help hold me accountable, but I was serious when I told you I don’t see myself ever being even tempted to drink again.”
I threaded my hand through her hair. It felt so soft, like the finest silk as the strands slipped through my fingers.
“Kim’s helping me find coping mechanisms to deal with stress or frustration, since my drinking usually started as an attempt to relax and unwind. We’re working on finding hobbies or activities to replace the booze. I’ve been working out at the gym with Trick, and that helps when I’m really aggravated about things, especially when I can pound away on the punching bag.” I hesitated for a second, afraid of bringing up bad memories and spoiling the truce we seemed to have going on at the moment.
“I’ve decided to limit my time at the clubhouse. I gave up my room there the day I told them I wanted to change my road name. I haven’t set foot upstairs since that morning when I woke up. Jagger and Lucky packed my shit up for me, so I didn’t have to go back up there. I just couldn’t face it. I’ve been back there for Church, and I’ve stayed for lunch with the family afterward sometimes, but other than that, I haven’t been hanging out there.”
“Were you afraid you would be tempted to drink?”
“No, not at all. I just…well, let’s just say that you aren’t the only one with bad memories of the place.”
“I hate that for you, Caleb. I really do. The clubhouse was a second home to you, from the time you were a baby. Those men are your family, and I hate the thought that you’re avoiding them.”
“Maybe it will be different now that we’re working things out, but when I’m there, all I’ve been able to think about is that it’s the scene of the crime. It’s where I made most of the biggest fuckin’ mistakes of my life. It’s where I’ve hurt you, over and over again.”
“It is, but it also has a lot of good memories for you. Even for me, if I’m being honest. It’s where I met your dad, Pop, and Grandma Frankie. It’s where Viking taught me to play poker. It’s where I worked for hours every week for the past three years trying to keep the damned offices in order. It’s where Ethan took his first steps. It’s where we saw your Aunt BeBe for the last time, at the Fourth of July cookout the weekend before she was killed. Remember, she got pissed at Ace and threw that plate of cupcakes at him? He looked so damned stupid with red and blue icing in his hair, and he was livid when we all laughed at him.”
I laughed at the memory. BeBe had overheard Ace running his mouth about some decision Cowboy had made regarding the strip club, bitching again that he’d been passed over for VP in favor of Cowboy. She had not been pleased, and she’d let her infamous temper fly, along with the baked goods.
“Did you know there’s still a tiny blue stain on the corner of his name patch, from where the icing got smeared on his cut?” I smiled as I pictured it in my mind.
Abby snickered, then sighed. We were both quiet for a minute before she said, “Caleb, the clubhouse is part of you, and I think we need to find a way to deal with that, instead of avoiding it. We can talk about it, maybe at a couples’ session with Kim? She might have some ideas.”
“We can do that. No matter what else we decide, there is one thing I’m not going to budge on. I’m never going to any party there unless you’re with me, not because I think I’ll be tempted to drink, but because I don’t want you to be worried or upset about it. I don’t want to do anything that will trigger you, baby girl, and I think that would be a big one.”
She took a deep, shuddering breath, and I hugged her tighter until I felt her relax again.
“Yeah,” she said softly, “that’s probably a good idea.”
She looked up at me, and I saw her gaze linger on the spot just above my collarbone where that fucking hickey had been. I’d noticed her doing it countless times in the months since I’d cheated, and I couldn’t stand the flash of pain that I’d see on her face every damned time. I decided to tell her something I’d been thinking about for a while.
“Abby, what would you think about me getting another tattoo?” She looked surprised by the question, and I gave her a sad smile. “I’ve seen you look at that fuckin’ spot on my neck, and I know every time you do it that you’re remembering that damned day. It’s just like the fucking Romeo patch all over again. So, I thought maybe I could cover it, but then I wasn’t sure if the sight of the tattoo will remind you of it anyway.”
“I’m sorry. I’ve tried not to let it bother me, but I just can’t unsee it. Sometimes, the memory is so real that for a second, I think it’s still there. A tattoo would probably help with that part of it, anyway.”
“I’ve been playing around with some designs. If I do it, I want something that reminds you that I’m yours. Since I already have your name over my heart, I thought I could add a branch from a Japanese cherry tree curving over the top of that, running just underneath my collarbone. It would have cherry blossoms in bloom, and some of them would spread over my collarbone and extend up my neck to cover that spot. What do you think?” I asked hesitantly.
She was quiet for a minute, then looked up at me with tears welling in her eyes. She nodded, and I felt my tension ease a little.
“I think that sounds beautiful.”
